It this Self Sabotage?

I am coming off of a month without having a soda or enjoying ice cream. I made and held a commitment to myself in the beginning of October to check myself, to do something about my known patterns and tendencies.

During a celebratory Auspicious Octopus launch lunch, I had a soda.  Ah, I told myself as I saw it sitting on a shelf display, today is the day…. I’ve waited all month for you. Yes, cool, crisp, bubbly… I cracked the soda and took a sip without even being aware. It was as if I had one yesterday.  Moment after I caught this awareness, I paused. I did not even enjoy the sip. It was like any other sip, something that I did. Done. Without any thought.

This paired with my candy consumption from Halloween has me pondering.

Both of which has got me thinking. How many things do I do without thought? Without thinking? On auto pilot, moving from one thing to the next. Going through the motions.

How do I show up for myself?

When do I show up for myself?

What storied do I tell myself?

Deeply engrained within me is the first/then narrative. First ……, then……. First you need to _____, then you can ______.  So I thought, why not embrace this pattern that is here and use it towards expansion, growth and evolution rather than the ever repeating known.

I want candy. Fine. I can have candy.  Candy isn’t bad. It is the compulsion, the habit, the mindlessness in which I am consuming it. So, utilizing what I have engrained within me I tell myself, “First, I need to eat something green, something green and nourishing for my body and then, if I want candy, then I can have it.”

I am all about being resourceful and using what I have.  If the pattern is here, I’ll utilize it. I’ll switch it.  If my mind wants to engage and play, here I am. Let’s go.

Maybe I am prolonging the inevitable. Maybe I am engaging with my conditioning. Ok and I am also switching it up. I am not living in the black and white, the rigid thinking of good and bad, yes and no. I am simply saying, pause. Attend to something else and if this is still here, then meet it then.

This is the pull of Rahu. This is the engagement of Rahu. Rahu, whose energy I am dancing with. Whose gaze in upon me, through the dasha I am running and its location in the celestial realm. Rahu, the head of the celestial snake who has no body. Who wants to consume, but never fully enjoys since it has no body or stomach… he wants to devour. More and more and more.

Rahu is this impulse. I am coming to know this. There have been times when I have received a message and it comes in strong. Accompanying it, there is a sinking feeling, one that doesn’t feel good, yet, in my exploration of making sense of messages that come and acting on them, I act. In my action I am severing, cutting away (this is Ketu. Ketu is the body and tail of the celestial snake and Ketu cuts). This has happened in regards to relationships. I have acted, almost impulsively- thinking it is what is best for me in the moment and in the action, within the choice, I am cutting away something else. I acknowledge this. I see this. I know this. I take responsibility for this.

This is it. It is taking responsibility. Responsibility for me. My actions. My choices. My words. When I am aware of them, I own them. Some stuff I am not aware of, some stuff is deeply hidden in the recesses of my mind and I am not yet aware of them. When they get revealed, I own them. I take responsibility. I hold myself in a loving gaze and take responsibility.  What else is there to do, place blame?  That is off loading and dumping. And I have been dumped on so many times by other people and their shit, I am not going to do this to someone else. At least not intentionally. If I do it and am not aware, then I need it to be pointed out and once it is, then I can own it. How else can one own something if they do not know about it?

Which is why I am grateful for these patterns that are showing up. Revealing themselves, making themselves known. For once they are known, I can do something about them, with them. I have choices. I can make choices. I can take responsibility. I can own them.

Like my candy and soda consumption.

I’ve been telling myself that I like it. That I am enjoying. Am I?  Is this enjoyment or is this self sabotage? If I have these tendencies with food, where else are they lurking?

Ah, craving and aversion. This is one of the teachings of the Yog-vedantic ways of being.  The hungry ghosts…The desire. The wanting. The chasing. The seeking.

And the will power, the inner fire, the stamina to make this shift.

Yes, this is what is here. This dance of the lower triangle.

Let’s explore this further. Let’s look at this in a deeper way…

Swadistana, the sacral chakra, the seat of taste and desire. The seat of experience. Of the unresolved mind, the unconscious mind. Destruction and addiction.

And then I read this in my hand written notes:

It is not the thing,

it is the experience that is generated from interacting with the thing.

Oh. Oh yes. I have attempted to explore the root, the root of the sensation. The connection to what it is about soda, about ice cream that holds me.  I know that there is some aspect of ritual here. I have a green spoon, a plastic, green IKEA spoon that I enjoy eating ice cream with. There is something about the curvature of the spoon, the way it slides and fits in my mouth. With soda, there is something about the twisting of the cap (on a plastic bottle, which I really no longer use) or the inserting of the straw or the pouring of it over ice.  What are these connected to? What holds on to these memories?

What arises initially is this idea of freedom. Of freedom of choice. Ability to choose. I recall getting sick, vomiting after overeating, eating so much candy on a family vacation. It’s like I wanted what I could not have.  Or soda, this connection really showed up in college. When I had the option to drink it every day from the fountain in the dining lodges or food courts.

What I know is that to address this, to access the root of what is here, I need to activate my navel center. My seat of will, commitment, volition, steadfastness.

Manipura. Solar plexus. The place of my first mouth in the womb.

I can use this inner fire to burn myself. I can use this energy to cause destruction and harm or I can use it to transcend and transmute.  I can use the energy to change or I can use the energy to maintain. These desires did not come from the place of thought, they did not emerge from thought itself, so thinking about how and why they are here, is not really the best use of my energy. I am not going to think my way out of this addiction. The thinking quality of the mind, my thinking quality of the mind is skilled, it is crafty, it is strong. It conjures up stories of rationalization and reason. This I know.

I also know that I can and have shown up for myself. In so many ways, so I can do this now too.  I can show up for myself, hold commitments and use the energy that is here, that is showing up and presenting itself to shift my state. To shift the tendencies. To shift from the patterns of the ever repeating known, limitations and familiarity to newness and expansiveness.

I can use the energy to resist the change or embrace the change.

The choice is mine. The choice is always ours. We have to be aware of this. We have to know that no one out there is going to do the work for us. Only we can do the work. Folks can support and guide, encourage and cheer, impede and dampen. We are the ones who are required for the work to get done.

Which reminds me of my first Instagram post, If it is to be, it is up to me.

I decided last night to recommit to my mediation practice. It has slipped and fallen away.  I engage with practices that bring me to a mediative state, a place of expansion and no thought, a space full of bliss and vastness. And I have a specific mediation practice that I have not engaged with in some time.  Last night, I recommitted to myself.

Here is the letter I wrote:

I lit a candle, read these words out loud and thought that I was going to go to sleep.

My will had another plan.

Now is the how, I read. So, the how begins now. And I sat. I sat for 3 out of the 5 parts of my mediation practice. This morning, I woke and sat again.

Bringing me full circle. If I want tea. Fine. First, I do my mediation practice, then I can have tea.  And you know what? My mediation led to a journey which inspired me to record a practice called Time for a Reset, that I will post on The Auspicious Octopus.

As for soda, I am enjoying one now. On ice, in a Phish glass from a show at MSG, with the warmth of the sun and a cool breeze on my skin.

One thing at a time. One thing at a time.

We are not alone. You are not alone.

Hari Om,

Sara