Enough

What is enough?  What does enough mean? What does enough mean in various contexts?

I have used the word enough in the most recent pieces I have written. Enough as a word is really arising and making its presence known to me. I’ve written- enough already and I am not enough.  I’ve been using this word- enough. So then what is enough? What do I really mean?

Enough.

A quick search reveals this meaning:

As much as or as many as required

With words similar to sufficient, adequate, ample, abundant, as much as necessary

And I smile because when Jeanette asked me, Sara, when you say you are not enough, what do you mean by enough, I responded, “I cannot live up to what I am expected to do, what I think I should be doing or ought to be doing, like it is never good enough.”

There it is again. Enough.

When I was teaching second grade, we would play a game called Broken Calculator.  In that game, we would pretend a key on the pad was broken and to get the numeral to appear on the screen one would have to use combinations of other numbers. For example, the 7 key was broken, so you were not able to press 7 to get to it appear on the screen. You could however use 6+1 or 5+2 or 10-3 or 8-1.

Once, when conferring with a writer I offered a variation of the ‘game’ and instead of having a broken key, I asked the writer to think about what other words they could use to describe the word they were using. And it is this version of the game that arises for me here, now.  If the word enough was broken, or if I could not use it, what would I say instead? What would I use to replace the word to convey similar meaning?

So here is the conversation in my mind:

You are not enough.

What do you mean, enough?

You are not as much as I require you to be.

Okay. Good. Now who is the I that is requiring you?

Others. Others who I have given power to, placed value and importance to, on. My parents, my family, people who do not even know me, who look at me a judge me, who think I am someone, something that I am not. Folks who know parts and pieces of me, who see only what they want to see, who see pieces of me that only fit within their narrow view, their narrative of who they think I am based on what they have seen me do or heard about me through someone else.

Okay, what do they require you to be?

Maybe something that I am not, maybe something that I feel I cannot live up to, their standards, their expectations. Feeling like I am always falling short. Not delivering, not doing.

Does this feel true? Do you really think that others, especially those who love you feel this way about you? Say these things in their mind about you?

Sometimes. Well, when you put it that way, no. No. I do not. I think that is made up, it is a projection. Like the made up conversations I have in my mind when I feel wronged, or when I feel the need to explain or justify. I am making it up, they are conversations in my mind, it is not real. I mean it is real to me, but the person is not there in front of me, I am making up what they would say in response to what I say. I have not actually heard folks say these things to me, well I have. Truth is, I have heard folks say that me being me is not enough. But I know that is not true. There is a deep part of me that knows this is not true. And there is another part of me that has heard this, seen or felt actions towards me that have shown me that this thought, this belief is true. I know I have been in environments in which this is the projection, the story that is told to me, shown to me. And it feels real. It feels true. 

Yes, that is true. That has happened. Those experiences are real. Can it also be true, that the ‘you’ you speak of, the other, the they, is actually yourself?

Yes, it could be. I see how strong my mind is. How crippling it can be, how limiting it can be. I know how hard I am on myself.  I’ve seen how my mind wants me to stay the same, continue doing the same, the familiar the known. It is a creature of comfort and to break free requires work, effort and energy.

What is at the root of this, it sounds to me a lot like comparison. There are also threads of expectations in here.  Who are you comparing yourself to? What expectations are you holding of yourself? 

This idealized version of a person, I suppose. Someone who is doing it all, getting things done, being successful, making money, contributing to society. Someone who is perfect. Living up to this perceived notion of what I should be doing and how I should be doing it. And when I am not, when I think I am not, I feel I am letting myself down, that I am not doing enough. That I am not enough. I fear that others feel the same way about me.

Ah, there is it. The truth of who you think you should be is revealed. Beloved you are all of that. You are doing. You are getting things done. You are showing up. You are sharing. You are leading. You are teaching. You are guiding. You are contributing to society. You are doing all of this is more. You are courageous. You are strong. You have a voice and you are using it. You are sharing your voice, here, with others so they do not feel so alone, so apart. You are being honest with yourself. You reflect on how you can do things differently and you accept how things have been done, how the choices you have made have played out and brought you here to this very moment. Beloved, you cannot get this life wrong. You cannot. You are not a mistake. You are here, living, fully and everything is happening for you. For you to see who you are, truly, for you to come home to the center of your being, by being YOU. 

I often have conversations with myself. In recent years they are softer and more accepting, before that I was so harsh and critical with myself. You see that playing out here in the beginning, on the surface. Once I keep going, staying with the process and going deeper, the truth is revealed.  I step back, I disconnect from my ego mind and witness. I watch from my third eye, in observer mode. I ask myself questions and see what arises. I know that I can separate myself from my mind, from my ego, from the stories. And at the same time, the pull, the power, the tug, the force is so strong.

Okay, to be clear and to bring clarity to this, I would like to share that I am enough. I know this. I am more than enough. I am sufficient. I am adequate. I am abundance. I am me and there is no one else I would rather be. I accept and include every moment that I have experienced that has lead me here to this very moment. 

What I am becoming more and more aware of, what I am noticing is that there are these hidden stories, narratives, ideas and thoughts that I have picked up along the way. I say picked up because that is how I see it. Somewhere along the way I have hooked into or allowed myself to be hooked into or allowed a hook to be set into me and these hooks, bind me or hold me to these versions, these narratives of me that we were once told, said, projected and I have accepted them to be true, accepted them to be markers of truth, I have allowed them to become melded with my identity, my perception of myself and in this molding, this allowing I have then begun operating from this place which then others begin to see these stories within me and thus the cycle continues, it is perpetuated on and on and on and on.

Until now, because now I see. I mean, it is not new. I have been seeing for some time now, I am aware of this. What I am noticing now as I witness this, is that these stories, these narratives, these conditioned set views of me, of myself and they do not mesh, they do not jive with the essence of me, of who I know I am.

Here, in this place is where I notice the resistance. And the more I disconnect, dismantle, become aware, the stronger the pull. There is this resistance that arises and it is fierce. I am a fierce competitor of myself. Strong and determined. I am a true opponent. At times it is fierce resistance as fierce fight, warrior stance, strong spine, eyes lifted and forward that say, do not mess with me. I grew up loving the movie, Adventures in Babysitting and am recalling the moment when Elizabeth Shue, the babysitter says, “Don’t fuck with the babysitter.” It is like this fierceness arises within, when we have had enough. There it is. Enough. Let’s try the technique,

It is like this fierceness arises within, when we have had as much as we can take, as much as we can stand, as much as we allow.

We can tolerate something for only so long and then we are done. Yet, in the acknowledgement of being done with that, there is the lingering energy, the lingering impact that leaves its residue, leaves traces behind, even when you feel you have taken out the trash, used the garbage disposal, wiped it up or flushed the toilet. When you think you have gotten it all, Whoomp there it is. More arrives, more appears and it surprises you.  Another phrase from teaching is arising now, “When you think you are done, you have only just begun.” There is always more. More. More. More. Always more to see, unpack, revisit, address, acknowledge.

Even when we think, I have had enough, meaning I have done all that I can, all that I have energy for, all that I feel is necessary, there is still more. Always more.

So when I sit and ask myself, what is at the root, what is below all of this self-hatred, self-violent thoughts, what is the cause of all of this and I heard, You are not enough, you being you is not sufficient, I was surprised and simultaneously humbled.

Ah yes. You remain. I see how you linger. How I thought I dove to the depths to excavate you and send you on your way and yet here you are. Always more to be done. While simultaneously acknowledge how much has already been done, be brought to the surface, exposed to the light, become known, no longer hidden in the depths and recesses, in the corners and behind closed doors.

What is that phrase, “Leave no stone unturned.” Yes, yes. I am the path and the path is me. There are no obstacles on my path, every moment, every experience is for me to see.

And within that, the perceived obstacles that I think are on my path are the ones that I have picked up and placed here, the hooks, the snares, the entanglements are all here for me to see, for me to learn, for me to grow.

How do I know this, you may ask? How do I know that these obstacles are a part of my path, a part of the path that I walk on this journey? I know this because there are opportunities again and again and again for me to grow, to learn, to see and to do differently.

Why? Because we come from fullness, we are fullness and when we give we are also full. There is never a place of lack, scarcity, there is never not enough. We are abundance in nature. We are full. We have ample supplies, reserves of energy, of support, of backing. Always. In all ways. We are never alone, even when we feel so alone, so separate, we are always a part, a part of this loving universe. This loving universe. A part of this one expression of intelligence that is always pulsing, always alive, always giving, always receiving. It has no end, there is no end.

How do I know I am enough? How do I know I am abundance itself? I know this because I have accessed this. I have experienced this. I know this from experience of connecting to the pulsating energy that is us, that is in me, that is in you. That is me. That is you. It is the same, and it simultaneously expresses itself as you and as me. It is before the words and can be located to express it, it is beyond any word to express it. And it is. It is this. It is that. It is full. When we take from it, is remains full. When it gives, it remains full. When it receives it remains full. It is always here, this natural intelligence, and its nature is abundance.

A friend yesterday offered a version of memory that I had not been exposed to, or maybe I have but since I have a tendency to forget, I might have forgotten. He shared that memory is here for us to remember what has happened and to use it as a tool to grow, to move forward, to evolve. To not do the same again. To not fall into the same trap, the same pattern, the same way. To do differently. To respond rather than react. To open to love rather than constrict in fear.

While I know no two things can happen the same way twice, I also know that I am presented with opportunities to grow in every moment. I often say to myself, “let’s do that again,” or “take two” or three or four or five or six or seven. I will take as many opportunities offered for me to see the true me. Not the one with projections and stories, not the one that has said you are not enough, you are not sufficient, you are not as much as I require you to be. For each time I step, there is an opportunity that is being presented to me to grow, leading me to a new place, a new space of understanding.

A new space of acceptance.

Isn’t that beautiful?

Loving you as me,

Sara