Dismantling

I located this piece in my pieces in progress folder on my desktop. It was written on March 6, 2020, a week before I departed India to arrive here in the US. I find it fascinating that today, really I am in awe, of all the days since I have written with piece, over 18 months ago, this is the piece I discover, uncover in the pieces in progress folder. And as I write this, I have a sly smile knowing this morning I was called to write a piece titled Enough which I will post once I sit with it for a few days.

“What brought you to India?” as a question, in various forms is a common question to receive.  Up until yesterday, I have shared a version of my “story,” which begins with “looking back, I can see now that I have been slowly dismantling my life, to make this possible.”  Slowly dismantling my life.

I have been really looking at my ego, very aware of its presence, its energy, its patterns, its desires. Since I was asked once what my ego looked like, I have given my ego a look, a role as a character. I see it as a phantom in a cape with a dark hood covering its head. He has a sinister look in his eyes and his hands are often up, slowly touching each finger to one of its counterparts on the opposite hand. I regularly invite my ego to the table or to pull up a seat to have conversations, to have an exchange. I have recorded few of these conversations and I have had the strength to go back and listen to them. As I spend time with my self and my ego, yes, I know they are separate. POWERFUL.

I am not my ego! I recognize and acknowledge all of the energy and power that my ego uses to try to dominate and to control and I KNOW that I am NOT MY EGO.  My ego made up, it is a false identity and it needs my lower mind, the mind that is consumed in worry, self doubt and fear to reign. The ego thrives only on fear. Fear is its fuel.

EGO, for me shows up as what I do, what I have done, my successes, my failures, who I know, my connections, where I went to school, where I grew up, the clothes I wear, the friends I keep, the decisions I make, the jobs I work. In my experiences, I have found that ego is consumed by doing actions.

I am a human being. Not a human doing.  I am so grateful to be here, to simply be here to have this awareness rise and bubble up within in.  I have known that I am a human being, this notion, idea, phrase, descriptor has risen within me before India, it now has a new meaning, there is more depth.

Here is an example, I am currently volunteering at Mother Miracle School.  I got the call, well it was a text that read: What day are you coming to the school. We want to schedule you to take the heights and weight of 444 kids. Ready….

I showed up. I arrived with a heart full of love and a wide smile, ready for whatever is asked of me.  That is how my experience continues daily, I show up with full presence, no expectations, completing what is asked of me. I am. I am here. I am present and with that I am simply being.

Yesterday, I was sitting, enjoying being kissed by the sun, drinking a warm chai and the actual meaning of “mantel” arose. A mantel meaning, a structure, a support that is above a fire, a space to hold or place things. I looked it up. I looked up to different spellings because the le, el rule is a s rule that I have not yet mastered (as well as alter and altar- thanks Mom).

I was in awe, pleasantly charmed with the meaning of both variations of the spelling (ah yes, homophones. I know they are different words, with different meanings that sound the same).

Take a look:

Mantel- a beam, stone or arch serving as a lintel to support the masonry above the fireplace.

Mantle- a loose sleeveless cloak or shall, worn especially by women.

It also means to clothe in or cover; cloak or envelop. To be covered with a coating. To spread over a surface. In ornithology it is a bird's back, scapulars, and wing coverts, especially when of a distinctive color. In zoology it is outer or enclosing layer of tissue, especially (in mollusks, cirripedes, and brachiopods) a fold of skin enclosing the viscera and secreting the substance that produces the shell. In geology, the mantle is the part of the earth that lies between the crust and the core.

***As I edit and add pictures, preparing to post this piece, now in October 2021, I also read that mantle means ‘an important role or responsibility that passes from one person to another.’ I am going to sit with this, be with this and allow it to soak in.

It was then that I realized, it isn’t that I have been dismantling my life, I have literally, taking off what I placed on the mantle what I placed there, to show. Right, we place things on our mantel to show what has value and meaning to us. In that moment, I realized that I have literally been taking off the mantel, my identity, my ego, what I thought I was.  I see that I am also removing the covering, the cloak I wear as well as removing the outermost covering and accessing what lies beneath the surface. So it that sense I am doing both, dismantling and dismanteling.

This is HUGE.  Seven years ago I choose to leave my job, my career, my profession is a defined sense as a classroom teacher with a salary and benefits, two and a half years ago my marriage ended, and I left my home and all that was wrapped up in that behind. Its not that I was dismantling my life, for here I am, living this life. I was dismantling my identity, the things I surrounded myself with that identified me. I am a teacher, I am married, I have a house and a garden and a dog (who I love so, so, so very much).

I remember when I was preparing to depart for India and I asked my sister to watch an oil painting that I purchased when I was in Maui for my first yoga retreat. It was a few months after my divorce was final and it was a huge step for me to take to embark on journey inwards with my body.  Carol and Ariel Mann, two beloved teachers of mine hosted Sole to Soul weekend and one day while walking in Makawao my friend walked into an Jordann Gallery. It was there that I spotted this beautiful octopus painting that I knew would be coming home with me.  Rather than having Mister Octopus, as he is named, sit in a box, I asked my sister to have him. She placed him on a shelf, that looks like a mantel in her kitchen and said to me, “it is not like you are going to die when you are there.” Softly, under my breath I said, “pieces of me will die when I am there, many parts of me that are no longer needed will die off and fade away.” While it is not that I died, aspects of myself have fallen away and I see how I no longer give or hold value to these aspects.

With those “things,” with those identities no longer defining me, I am me. I am here. And there are pieces of my identity that I still identify with and cherish- I am a woman, I am a daughter, I am a sister, I am an auntie. I am a friend. I am a leader. I am a guide. I am strong. I am powerful and I am meant to be here, right now.

I am these, yes, and I am also so much more vast and diverse while simultaneously simply and powerfully light and love.

In that light and love,

HUGS

Sara