Being Backed

I write about being backed, backing yourself and I thought, maybe folks what to know more about what I mean when I say being backed.

I have found from experience that we can be backed by our attention, our will, our volition. When we back ourselves, we know we are supporting ourselves, never giving up on ourselves, never turning away from ourselves.

It starts slowly and builds. This backing gains momentum and strength. It gains staying power when we commit to ourselves again and again and again.  This backing comes when we direct our attention, when we are aware of what we are putting our attention to and on. 

Backing and feeling backed by myself has come through a variety of lessons. They could be called challenges to some; I choose to see them as opportunities to grow. For so long I would show up for others, do for others, act and say for others from a place that was disconnected from myself. In this place I was often seeking approval and acceptance from others, so I would act, do and be driven from an external drive.  Until I met myself and began spending time with myself and then I began acting, doing and being me driven by an internal will, an inner volition.

This is a journey, one that I am on every day. At times it feels “easier and more fluid than others.” Do not be deceived, the wavering is still here. This dance, the gentle pull or forceful yank of this play between external and internal is still here, lurking under the water, slowly bringing its eye to the surface to make itself known. There is no end game. There is no end. This is a process that is never ending. There is no, “I’ve got it, I’ve achieved this or I’ve accomplished this and it is over and done with, never to surface again.”  No, what I find is that there is always more, layers upon layers. Each and every time I discover there is more. More arises, more to address, more to be seen. Always more.

It is here, in the moments when this stuff surfaces that I gain backing. When I sit with it, face it, acknowledge it, accept it, it is in these actions that I gain backing. I gain momentum. I access strength. I back myself by facing it fully, rather than running away or diverting attention to avoid or hide. I have gathered practices to support me in this backing and I can turn to mantra, shift my breath or get on my mat. I call a friend or I write. I have learned that depending on what it is that is showing up requires different practices to address it. If a negative thought, feeling or pattern shows up that I am aware of, it requires certain energy to redirect and focus. If whatever is showing has a tight grip and is all consuming it requires a deeper practice to shift.

I know this now. This knowing is backed by the experiences that have led me to this knowing, all of the times that have come before this moment that have led me here. Inclusive of them all, even the ones that I would rather ignore or turn my head from. All. Every moment is an opportunity to learn and grow.  How do you show up in these moments, moments of discomfort? What do you do?  What are your patterns, habits, tendencies? What is your go to response or reaction?  Do you know? You can start by observing, noticing, being curious and paying attention. This is how I began and I know you can learn a lot about yourself from these actions.

We all have to start somewhere. Why not start at the very beginning, with you, the one who has been with you from the start, from the beginning.

For you are always here, always here and the invitation is to return back to yourself. The invitation is for all of us to return to ourselves, the truth of who we are. Who we have always been and will always be. Who else can do this work, besides you?

Meeting you here, in this truth,

Sara