A Play with Words

There is a subtle switch between scared and sacred. Do you see it?

There is a subtle shift between scared and scarred. Do you see it?

There is a subtle change between altar and alter. Do you see it?

For me, the experiences of seeing this have been subtle yet profound.  The experiences that come with this seeing shift me. Creating shifts in my knowing. Shifts in my relationship with my self, with others. Shifts in my experiences with my experiences, my memories, that which I remember. Small, delicate shifts that lead to huge shifts, life changing shifts. Shifts that are life altering.

I recall a text I sent to my mom when I was in India that captures the essence of this play with words and shifts.  Here is the exchange:

Ah yes, I have an altar to alter my relationship with myself. For those of you who have witnessed my journey in person or have read about it, you know that I love words. You also know that I used to run from myself, hide, numb, distract, divert, plan, overbook- I would do anything to avoid spending time alone with myself. Alone? Me? With Myself? Why would I want to do that when there are so many other things I could be doing?

Yes, this is how I used to feel. Used to feel. Now, all I want to is be alone and spend time with myself. This is what I mean when I say there is a subtle shift that is life altering.  I used to avoid spending time with myself, until all I had was time with myself. In the beginning, while in India I did not have access to my distraction outlets. I did not have work, emails or drinks and dates with friends. What I did have, was myself. Myself and time. Time to be with myself.

At first, I did not know what to do. How to fill my time. How to pass time. And time felt it passed slowly.  One of the ways I first began mediating was to sit still, to sit through an entire song. To sit without moving, without getting up to do. To sit. To sit for a ten minute song. That was the beginning.

Slowly, slowly, I was introduced to an altar, a place in which special objects, things acquired were placed to focus my attention when it wandered, to help maintain my gaze. I was introduced to mantra, a phrase or sound to repeat again and again, noticing when my mind carried me off to far away places in time- to the past, to the future, bringing my awareness back to the present moment with my mantra.

I also began to have full on conversations with myself, literally pulling up a chair and inviting myself, the shadow side of my self that I did not want to face, that I wanted to ignore, to stuff down, to turn away from, to pretend it was not there to sip of cup of chai together.

Ah, there is the word, pretend. To pretend. How long did I pretend? How long did I ignore my true self, turning away from it out of fear of what I would see, meet? Out of fear of what would greet me as I turned towards myself. How long did I do this?

Looking back, I have always been interested in learning about myself, wanting to know more, asking questions, reflecting, pondering. There was a never settled feeling that drove this, this feeling that there had to be more to this, this day to day, day in and day out way of life that I had been living. I was seeking. I wanted. I sought. And when I couldn’t find or wasn’t satisfied it sent me back to my old ways, tendencies and patterns.

Until, slowly, slowly I gained momentum.  Through the time I spent being with myself, staying committed to my practice, I began to back myself. I began to rely on myself by turning inwards for answers rather than seeking externally. Yes, there were times when I felt alone. There still are. Times when I felt no one else would understand. That I could not locate the words to describe or tell. Until I realized that no one else has to understand. No one else has to ‘get it,’ for it is not theirs to get, it is mine. We have similar experiences, similar stories, similar journeys, yet each is individual, each is our own, each is unique. The energy I put forth trying to locate the exact word to convey how I was, who I was or where I was, drained me. I was exhausted, tired.

Choosing rather to use that energy for me, turning the energy that I would put out so others would get it, would get me, I gave to myself. Softness comes with this. So does permission. An acceptance arises, when you access this sacredness within yourself. There is a subtle shift from being scared of yourself to accessing the sacredness of who you are, of how you came here, of why you are here. An immense grace arises and holds you, embracing you when you surrender in to this.

Scarred yes. The scars are here. Visible marks, traces on the body and mind of the journey that led you here, the steps that have been taken to arrive here. And with this shift, this subtle shift from being scared and hurt, of being a victim softens and you see, with total acceptance all that has happened has led you here, to the very core of your being, the sacredness of yourself.

That every step. Every action. Every choice. Every moment has led you home to your heart.

Upon reflection, looking back you would not change a thing you see this now and you welcome time to pass slowly.

Meeting you here at the altar of this truth,

Sara