Why?

Umph.  Why? This can be a weighted word.  I see how I come towards it through multiple angles, sometimes in a lighter, curious way. A way of wonder. While, at other times, I approach it in a heavier, really questioning way.  This is how this question showed up on Saturday night during my evening practice. Dense. Heavy. Full of force and resistance.

Here is a transcribed excerpt from my dialogue with myself on Saturday night:

You know, stuff is being churned up. I don’t even know what it is and I don’t really need to know what it is, I don’t really need to know, which is interesting because the only question that I want to know is that. That I want to know. Like I say I don’t need to know what’s being churned up, yet the question that is churning this up is the question of what am I doing? What am I doing?

Why?  Yes, Why? Wanting to know what and why?  Have you found yourself here before. At this intersection. Sitting in this.

I continue:

Am I letting my life pass me by? Am I supposed to sacrifice something? Am I supposed to be working harder? Nothing bad has happened. Nothing dramatic to set anything in motion. Well yesterday maybe, I guess the massage dislodged some stuff. I am finding myself super irritable, just on edge.

On edge.

On the edge of what?

I keep having to remind myself that I am doing things. I am in the process of publishing my book and that this is moving according to the time of others, not me. Not on my time, not within the timeframe that I thought, envisioned, expected, held in my head. And it is happening. It is. I am within the space of this. Within the energy of this. It is just that I told myself that I wanted it to be done by a certain date and that came and went. So I set another date, held another date close to my heart. That is quickly approaching.

As I sat with this, when I inquired deeper about the dates and the relevance, I realize that I am the one who is in the way here. I am the one who is obstructing, placing self imposed, limiting beliefs and timeframes. No one outside of me is doing any of this. Me and me only.

And I’m smiling, thinking of Ganesha. Beloved Ganesha, Jai Guru Dev, the remover of obstacles, the ones I put in my way. And at this juncture in time, I am in my own way. I have gotten in my own way. And it is feeling like work to get out of it.

Here is more that poured from me on Saturday night, this time the emotion has ramped up. While my voice is getting louder, backed by the fire and anger in my belly, it is also at the same time wavering and really fragile. Tired. Weak. Tired of fighting. Weak from the battle. The battle with and within myself. I had begun to ramble about the things that I am not interested in and then I switched, I made a shift in the moment:

I’m not interested in… I’d rather focus on what I am interested in.

I am interested in having income, sharing my passion, traveling and listening to others, holding space and gathering for women to come together, men too, I am not being exclusive. Although I feel I am able to, I suppose my story is universal, not just for women- anyone, or those who will relate. I am not just dog sitting, I am publishing a book. I mean I am not physically publishing it, I am in the process of it and it is coming soon.

I hear, what more do you want?

And all the stories of supposed to are showing up. Practice. Do the work, because there is this piece of me that is like why? Why? I have done the work. What is showing up, what is really shifting? Why is it worth doing the work, I don’t feel like I am getting anything out of it. Yes, you hear me correctly. I want something from it. It’s not just a do it to do it. I do feel good when I do it, right now, in these moments when I am feeling like this, the last thing I fucking want to do, is more work. It takes work to even sit here and do this. And I do want something in return. Of ease. Or joy.

Agh. Yes. And here I sit. With this and in this.

It’s wild, this thing called life. My role and interaction with it. Its timing and unfolding. Last night I learned that I got my first order. My book has actually been purchased. There has been an exchange. I received my first official order. For real. And, I also learned that 10 of the 41 edits and changes that I saw once the book was formatted, were completed. High and low. Expansive and contraction. Inwards and outwards. Simultaneously. This is what I know I can do, hold multiple truths at once. This is what it means to live life fully. To feel all the feels, as a yoga teacher of mine, Heidi used to share. Feel all the feels.

I used to block all of the feelings. ALL. OF. THEM. I became numb. Void. Nil. Distanced. Blocked. Sheltered off from all of it. It meaning anything and everything that felt too much to bear, to get close to, to allow in. So I kept it way, walled in to protect. And what I am realizing is that as I heal, as I allow myself to accept what I have allowed, to acknowledge the betrayals I have done to myself, the forgiveness that I hold for myself and others (which I have found is the same, it all comes back to me), the compassion and love which I experience and wrap myself in, is that I have so much to feel. I have blocked off feeling for years. YEARS of my life and it comes up, with the force of a geyser. This I was led to in my practice on Sunday at a studio. We were working with the second chakra -emotions, sensuality, fluidity, flow, water, expression, feelings, Ganesha and the planet Jupiter. As I rose from pigeon into swan I felt the strength and the power of water, its movement, its force. Releasing after being held back, dammed for so long.

So today, while making the bed and doing routine things around the house, I put on Annie Lennox’s Why. I had totally forgotten about this song. On Friday, I had an opportunity to visit Judy Chicago’s Herstory at the New Museum. As we were leaving, Why was playing and I told myself to make time to listen to it. So today, while placing the fitted sheet on the bed I listened. I sang. My voice quivered. I cried.

Let's go down to the water's edge
And we can cast away those doubts
Some things are better left unsaid
But they still turn me inside out
Turning inside out, turning inside out
Tell me
Why...
Tell me
Why...

This is the book I never read
These are the words I never said
This is the path I'll never tread
These are the dreams I'll dream instead
This is the joy that's seldom spread
These are the tears...
The tears we shed
This is the fear
This is the dread

These are the contents of my head
And these are the years that we have spent
And this is what they represent
And this is how I feel
Do you know how I feel?
'Cause i don't think you know how I feel
I don't think you know what I feel

I don't think you know what I feel
You don't know what I feel

And I hear,

I don’t think you know how I fear.

You don’t know what I fear.

Fear.

Ah, fear is here. Lingering.

Fear….

I cannot control, this I know. I need to get out of my head and out of my own way. I am reminded that I create. I am the source. The creator of it all- stress, joy, grief, sadness….no one outside of me, no one other than me.

Me and me only.

And this is the work. This is the work I have been doing all along. This is the investment that I have made, not 4, 6, 12 years ago. Always. I have always been invested in getting to know myself, learning more about myself.

Which has me thinking to a recent exchange with Sallie. She asked me if I had a full time job, I said, getting to know myself is my full time job and I do not get paid for it.  Yes, getting to know myself is a lot of work. A lot of work. Tireless, endless work that has me elated and giddy with delight at times and cursing, crying and curled up in a ball at others.

I guess I could say I am feeling all the feels.

Why?

Because this is life. And I am living life. Living my life.

Living my life fully. There is no other way.

With a hug,

Sara

Hari Om Tat Sat