Trust Sara, Trust

Trust Sara, trust.

All of these moments, steps have led you here. The crow calls. The crow calls. Listen to your gut. Honor the voice within. This voice that speaks without a voice. Cultivate this relationship. This inner knowing. Get acquainted with it. Establish a relationship with this knowing. This knowing quality. Tend to it. Cultivate it. Feed it. Nourish it. Explore it. Get curious about it. Know it fully. Know how it works. Know how to engage with it, with this. Know this. Notice this. Be with this.

This is the invitation of now.

Now.

There comes a time, and it is now.

These are the closing lines of a piece that I wrote and posted on September 9, 2023.  I found my way to it this evening in response to fear being activated, re-enlivened, woken up from dormancy in my cells.  In September, there were signs and signals, today there were feelings and sensations. Real.  Fear is real. While I was not in any danger, my body felt it was. I felt fear arise in my body. I felt it want to move, no longer frozen or stuck. I wanted to move. To be free, no longer caged and bound.

And I did what I could in the moment to protect myself. I took the steps that I was able to take. Yes, I took the steps that I was able to take. I was able to take action. I was able to put into place ---- that felt good to me, I was able to take steps that felt like I was in control and creating some sense of peace and safety when my inner body felt like turmoil.

I was also able to sit. I sat for my practice. I sat in mediation. I followed the lead of what came from within. I chanted. I sat in the sun.

I ate. I turned to vehicles of comfort, devices to soothe and numb. Yes. I did this. And I am here.

Learning.  Growing. Reflecting.

Noticing that I am held in this notion of right and wrong, good and bad. That I am punished for wanting. Punished for having desire and going after it. Punished for ignoring warning signs, of telling myself I can handle what comes my way because my desire for what I want, even when danger stands in my way, is stronger than the fear of what might happen.

Desire. It lives in the body. It feeds and gets fed. I am dancing with desire. This notion of desire. Wanting. Seeing warning signs, knowing the dangers. Ignoring them and pushing on. Pushing through.

Am I speaking to anyone here? Does anyone else relate to this? In some way?  Have you wanted something so bad that you ignore what you have seen, experienced, know? Have you turned your head, closed your eyes? To give second, third and fourth chances? To accept the apologizes when they say they don’t remember what happened, when they come crawling back with their head hung low and their tail between their legs? Have you told yourself, you’ve got this. You can handle it?

In a sense, I did. I did handle what came my way. And as I read the closing from the piece written on September 9th, I am reminded that this is what I am being asked to see now as I stand on this threshold, this liminal space. Shedding the old. Turning towards the new. As my dear friend Rebecca shared in her Instagram post, having the “strength within us to change course as needed and move mountains in service of love.”

I am reminded that in that moment, in that moment on the dirt road:

I knew.

I trusted totally.

I had no idea what I would meet if I stood and walked away.

I knew, or at the very least, had a good idea of what I’d meet if I stayed.

So, what is showing up now is a lesson to trust.

Totally,

In this threshold.

In this liminal space.

To step.

Not knowing and knowing, simultaneously.

On the other side of fear is love, this is what Jeanette offers me.

This is the love that propels us, this is the love that propelled me to step

To walk

To trust

While I had no idea what I would meet.

Yet, and I knew I was held.

I knew this then. I knew this then. I knew this then.

And I am being reminded to remember it now.

That this love is here, that I am held and this love is propelling me to step. To trust.