The Courage to Let it All Go

This is my response to question six in the series of questions from my aunt.

What are some things that you are doing out of obligation that you no longer want to do?

I chuckled when I first read “obligation” in this question because the timing of this question is perfect, as all things are with me in my life.

Without getting into the specific details there are events of my life transpiring at this moment that invite me to reflect on the word “obligation” and its meaning. A few weeks ago I was typing and the word obligated arose.  I was surprised by its arrival and wanted to know what it really meant, in regards to a definition. This is what I found. An act or course of action in which a person is or morally bound, a duty or a commitment.

Whoa! Yes, let’s sit with that for a moment. An act or course of action in which a person is or morally bound.

There it is, the two words that strike me at my core.

Morally

Bound

To move forward I feel called to write about my understanding, my interpretations of these two words.

Morals - that which drives us, the decisions that are behind my actions and choices.

Bound – to be held, adhere, stuck, tied, restricted, confined

For me, there are layers, there are pieces and parts that are hidden, that are under, that are beyond, that are before, that surround words and their meanings.

Which brings me back to the question, what are some things you are doing out of obligation? We all have choices, we all have the ability to make choices even when we feel limited, stuck and restricted. We all have a choice on how we perceive, how we want to be, how we want to interpret events and interactions in life. Yes, we all have choices. Here, now in this moment, the words that resonate with me within the question are “you are doing.”  These words stand out because I focus more on being than doing which in itself is a larger theme to ponder leading me to, “if I am doing, who I am doing for?”

I ask myself, “What is behind this, what is at the core of this obligation? What is at the core of feeling obligated?” The questions continue, “Who do I feel obligated to?” “Why is it that I feel obligated?” “What do I feel obligated to?”

When I sit with these questions, when I really sit with them, each answer comes back to this:

I feel obligated to uphold, to maintain a vision, a view, a perception that others have of me.

I feel obligated to remain quiet, to remain hidden, to be silent, to shield and hide parts of pieces of myself out of fear of disrupting what has been, what is known, what is familiar.

When I arrive here, I ask myself, “What will happen if, what will happen when you speak up and stand up, when you put yourself first?”

For me, doing something out of obligation is doing for others. Feeling obligated to do something for others, for me, is connected to and as I type and process this, I notice how deeply ingrained with this notion of in order for me to receive, I must do something.

As I delve deeper with this, or as I stay with this rather than shying or running away, I see how it is only me that feels obligated. This has nothing to do with the people or things I feel obligated to or towards. Nothing ever does.  Nothing has to do with others, that is an escape, that is a diversion taking us away from looking at our true selves. Everything has to do with us. For no thing is outside of us, no thing is separate from us. We learn to not take something that is not ours, so why do I feel called, often obligated to take on what others are experiencing? Why do I feel responsible and obligated to fix, to remove, and to save others from what they are experiencing?  It is not mine to take.  There stuff is their stuff, it is not mine to take on.  It is not something I am responsible for. I see clearly how this feeling of obligation is directly related to me, my perception, my interpretation of the moment or the stories I have told and the roles I have played up until this moment. No one else is accountable for this. Only me. Folks will ask me to do something, how I choose to perceive the request is up to me and how I choose to respond is also up to me.  Within that space I can choose if I’d like to do something, have to do something, get to do something or feel obligated to do something.

As I type am recalling a conversation I had when I was a teacher many years ago. I was talking with a mom of a student and she asked me if I wanted to do something. I paused. I stumbled over words. As I attempted to gather a response, she saw my hesitation, she read me before I spoke and said, “Sara, commit to no. It is okay to commit to no.”   I stood there taking these words in, attempting to accept that it is okay to say no, to tell someone no.

For so long and even now, years later, I feel, here it is, obligated to do things out of fear of what someone will think of me if I say no.

For saying no, to me, means putting myself first. And putting myself before others, is as I have picked up along the way through experiences in life is rude, disrespectful and wrong- morally wrong.  The story that has been told to me is putting yourself first is something that you do not do. I have been told that it is best, it is the right thing to do to put the needs of others before your own needs. When I say, I have been told; I do not know if I have been explicitly taught this, shown this or have had it modeled to me. What I do know is that somehow, in this journey of life, I have internalized that having needs, speaking up and wanting to do something for me is wrong.

None of this is to say that I have not put myself first, that I have not acted in ways that are what is best for me.  I have.  At times my choices are met externally with acceptance, at times I have felt rejected. It is these rejected feelings that tend to dominate my field of awareness, cloud my perception, and alter my view. It is within these experiences that I seek to avoid these feelings again, so I tend to say yes, when I want to say no. Or I say yes and know it is time to move on and stay out of that fear, the fear of what someone will think of me when I speak up.

All of this is to say that I am acknowledging my part, my role in understanding and making meaning, my own perception of words and choices. What has been is not how it has to be, for change accompanies time. All change happens in time. All change happens within time. Time is a constant in life. I can maintain the way things are, the way things have been or I can choose to change. I continue to step forward I knowing that I am taking steps with this new knowledge, this new awareness and it is from here, from this place that I will make my choices.

Onward.

Sara

*The title of this piece is a lyric from the Cure’s “Pictures of Me,” the song was playing as I closed the screen of the computer to walk away and give myself space from writing this.

**The photographs in the first row of the grid are from my nieces Scholastic Dictionary. The screenshots in the second row are from a Google search of the words.