No Hesitation, Self-Doubt, Fear and Ego

We walked up the hill from Sattva to the “main” road.  “Where shall we go?” we asked one another. “Wherever the path takes us,” was what we agreed upon.

Our path led us to a conversation about self doubt, ego and fear. Jeanette asked me to describe what ego looked like if I could see it. The first image that popped in to my mind was one of a phantom, a phantom with a dark cloak covering his head and wrapped around his shoulders, revealing his hands clasped in front of his chest as if he was thinking and yellow eyes, intriguing and alluring, the kind that bring you in. 

I had not thought about ego in that way, in a form, and at first I hesitated to describe it, thinking, my ego doesn’t look like anything.  Then the image arose, feeling vaguely familiar, sinister, unwanted, lurking, always there ready to appear.

As we made our way along the path, we arrived at a bungee jump.  I had heard about the jump, I had seen signs and transportation vans, and I knew it was up river. I had not seen it until then.  We walked down the steps to get a closer look.  We spoke with a gentleman who worked there. He shared that many of the folks jump and folks had jumped while we were there, however, we did not witness it.  As we turned around to continue on our path, a car pulled up with two people in it. A man got out and moved at a quick pace down to the entrance of the jump.  A woman followed. Just as quick as he went down, he came back up- the jump was about to close for the day and he needed to get tickets from the shop further up the road.

With a new person planning to jump, we decided to linger.  We watched the woman walk down the steps, across the long bridge toward the end of the jump. We watched her get her harness on, we watched her sit while the bungee was attached to her feet.  We watched her stand on the edge. We watched her lean forward. We heard sounds from her mouth. We watched one of the workers pull her back. We watched her sit down and have the harness removed. We witnessed this. All of this.

Did she plan to jump and hesitate?

Did she plan to jump, get to the edge and change her mind?

Did she plan to jump, get to the edge, look down and change her mind?

Was here intention to walk to the edge and never to jump?

What happened on that platform?

We will never know.

What I do know, what I learned that day, was that I do not want to live a life of hesitation, nor do I want to live a life of fear.

That night, I sat in a chair in my room and invited self-doubt in the chair across from me.

Here is the conversation (I have transcribed it and added it below if you would rather read than listen):

Weeks later, I had an opportunity to float on Ma Ganga. I offered her flowers and fruit as I shared my deep reverence and respect for her. I floated on her and in her. I rode her waves on her and in her. I climbed on her rocks and there, on her banks I leapt, with NO HESITATION.

Grateful for this marvelous, mystery of life,

Sara

*Thank you Jeanette and Ajay for capturing the moments!

**When I made the recording, I did so for myself. There was not even an idea nor intention to share it. I recorded the conversation so I could hear my own thoughts, my emotions, which is very different for me than my usual writing. There is something different about hearing your own voice, especially when it is from a place of vulnerability and honesty. It felt right, to share it with you here now, in this context, within the context of this piece. It is raw, it is real. I share it here, with No Hesitation.

Here is the transcribed conversation with self -doubt:

“So, I am inviting self doubt here into this chair across from me. Because when I look at myself in the mirror I do not see self-doubt. I don’t see it there. And if I close my eyes, I really don’t see self doubt there either. So I don’t know where it lives, I don’t know where it lies, but I know it is there. And it has a grip. It’s had a grip for such time, you, you’ve had a grip. You have had a grip for such time, self doubt. I’ve played small. I’ve made choices that have lead me here. I have also made choices that I haven’t, but they have been for myself. What is it Sara? What is it? I know it is easy for me to say that I played small, that I’ve allowed myself to be dimmed, I’m too much and then in the same breath I can laugh and giggle with such delight knowing that I am the sun, that I can bring such radiance and joy and light. And that I am light. And the vitality and vibrancy. And so I know that, and I know that I am not self-doubt yet it just lingers. Not just, it lingers. It lingers around, it is there. That and fear. It has such a grip. Cognitively, its like okay, you are here in India, you are doing this great work, you are learning about yourself. Your’e evolving, you’re growing and then this fear of money sets in and it is so contradictory to all of the work that I am doing. It feels like, abundance will come, prosperity will come, wealth will come, creatively will come, because I am not doing this for myself, because I am doing this to give. I gifted this time to myself so I can do this deep discovery. I know I am supposed to trust. And I know that is why Jeanette and I went to the bungee today and I saw that woman hesitate. I saw it, I know what it looks like. Its like when you are about to go and you say, NO. No. No. And I hear Anand Ji’s words, the grip is the ego. Hesitation. Ego is the grip in your gut that holds on tight and says no, no. But I am not saying no, I am saying yes. I am not saying no, I am saying yes. I know I am supposed to be here. I know. I know I am doing this work. I am showing up. I am responding to the call. I don’t see fear when I look at myself in the mirror. I don’t see self doubt when I look at myself in the mirror. I don’t see self hatred when I look at myself in the mirror. When I look at myself in the mirror, I smile and say hello. I see joy. I see bliss. I see delight. So all of this is in my fucking thoughts of my ego. All of it.”