Red Light, Yellow Light, Green Light

This piece was written on September 2nd. I was not able to upload any photos so I delayed the posting… or maybe now is the time and before wasn’t….

I have not written like this in some time. I haven’t felt called or moved to. When I reflect on it now, I realize that I have not felt called or moved to do much recently. I vacillate between the notion of being present in the here and now, reserved to what is or a sense of indifference. Not that I do not care or I am not invested, it is more of a sense that so much feels out of my control, and that I can do my part, take action and show up when things are clear. It is the space when there is no clarity that seems hazy.

I smile, a smirk in way, when I think of all of the rejection (known, said to my face or in an email) and that in which folks feel like I am not worth their time, or if it is not me, it is that my inquiry or proposal or request isn’t. I’ve lost count on how many rejections or acts of ignoring or lack of response I have received in the past couple of years. The nothingness has me pondering if they have even received, listened, read, opened- heard me at all or if they have, simply chosen to not respond. It includes even those who say that set backs are not that, either they are set-ups or that they are detours or diversions, the universe’s way to guiding my way on.

Still, I show up. I follow through. I act. I take action. And then what?  This is what I am asking myself and exploring right now. Do I hold the space and wait? Am I being patient? Is this trust? What is this space that I meet when I am in this? What is this space even, is it an in between? An in between, between what and what? The green light and the red light, or the red light and the green light? Is it a yellow light? What I had and what I want? Where I was and where I want or hope to go?

The waiting seems to be a tricky part, if it is waiting.

The thing is though, what am I waiting for? The idea or even notion of waiting implies that there is something other than this, and in some way that I want this to be over or to move on from this. When I looked up waiting, I met more of the same- a pause, interval or delay, again implying that there is something else and that this moment is an in between or a slow down, like a yellow light.

Then there is patience. Patience, the capacity or ability to accept or tolerate delay, trouble or suffering without getting angry or upset. For me, the acceptance and tolerance of delay seems relevant, again indicting that there is something else or something more.

See, I have been dancing with these words patience and waiting, because they imply that there is something else, something more, beyond, coming, around the corner, approaching… that there is something other than this. And when I dig deeper or peel off the top layer, I meet the notion that there is somewhere else I would rather be or rather, think I should be. And when I meet that, on another level I can see that I am not happy or content here, now, in this moment.

I have a thing with goals and goal setting. I always have. I thought for a while that I resisted goals out of fear of not meeting it, living up to it or achieving it. When I sit with this though and come to stillness around it, I see no sense in making a goal. It is not that I am not motivated or driven, it seems to me that there are so many factors and so many changes that things are constantly shifting and in that sense, so is my direction. This is a thread that keeps showing up. This feeling that I should be goal oriented, that I should set and have goals that I am working towards to meet and achieve. To give me some sense of clarity and direction. Purpose. Although the one thing that remains constant and the same, steady among the shifts and changes is my dedication to myself, my inward journey and my self discovery. That is my North Star, the direction I am constantly headed in. My commitment to learning about myself.

How I show up. What I do when I am alone. How I share my time, invest my time, waste my time, allow time to pass me by. I meet myself in all of these inquires. Sometimes I am tired, sometimes all I want to do is read or rest. I enjoy watching the trees, the birds on the grass, the people walking by.  I could call myself lazy or not driven or unmotivated. I see it more about being true to me in the moment and what it is that I want to do or feel called to do.

Which is why I haven’t written. Until now. In the past couple of days phrases and sentences, ideas and threads have been showing up so I decided to get cozy and open up my laptop to see what comes.

I have been working for some time now to listen to my body. To be true to me, act in an authentic way, a way that is within harmony and alignment rather than by habit or the feeling of obligation or should. I’ve been witnessing myself in this, as I dance in these spaces, noticing what is showing up and arising. The stories I meet here, the projections I place.

A certain level of tiredness has been upon me since the start of the year. I can trace it back to early December of 2023 and it has continued. At first, I thought it was depression. A deep melancholy and sadness. Now though, because it has lingered and my spirits are good (most often) I think it had become a new normal for me, at least in the now. It’s not that I am waiting for it to pass or for it to be over, although in the early stages I did feel that way. Now I am embracing this inward, still, slow almost reserved way, a preserving my energy for what feels right and aligned rather than sharing it or giving it out because I feel I have to, need to or am obligated to. My energy is less and it is allowing an opportunity for me to see what, where, when and with whom I want to share myself with, rather than being free and open. A reserve. A preservation of that which feels scared and special, sharing myself with those whom I choose, when I choose.

This is a big step, because it often requires me to say no or to put myself first, which often feels like I am putting folks out, rejecting, inconveniencing or annoying them. (Oh to be with this, this very thing that I type are the exact feelings of rejection and non importance in which I had been feeling so strongly). Which is it none of, it is simply me taking care of myself (oh the irony!). For so long, as long as I can remember I have always put others first. Their needs, their feelings, my idea of their needs, feelings and view of me. I have shape shifted, adapted, conformed, contorted, hidden, ignored parts and pieces of me to fit in, gain approval and acceptance. And I have gotten so good at it, so familiar with this dance and pattern I began to think it was the only way…

In the rare moments when I did do something for me, spoke up, asked for what I needed, said no and met the response of others around me, I really thought, believed, felt in my body that I caused other people pain, hurt, suffering, anger, discomfort, upset. I thought I was the cause. That me being me was their problem. This is where the shape shifting and adaptation was born, out of this desire to ‘not cause problems, strife and inconveniences.’ I would do whatever, at no cost to them, only cost and harm to me, to make life easy for them. I would endure. I would change. I would take it on. And not because they ever asked me to, at least not directly. I felt I had to. That was my role, my job, my responsibility.

I’ve been reflecting on early messages that I received and even ones that I shared as a teacher, hearing phrases and encouraging others to use the language “When you……., it makes me feel…..”

You know what I’ve learned in my deep dive towards self discovery?  It is not about the other person; it is only about us. And when I hear this phrase all I can think about is off loading and not taking responsibility for what is showing up and arising within us. Instead we put it on the other person, stating directly when you….. making it about someone other than ourselves. No wonder I felt responsible. Even if we were to switch the phrase and put the I feel first,* “I feel….when you……,” Still to me,  we are naming something outside of ourselves that we want the other to change or do differently. When really, from what I am learning and seeing and living, is that the invitation is to change ourselves and the story, feeling, action, pattern, habit within. But to do this, we have to be aware, we have to notice that we do this in the first place. It requires a certain distancing, a separation, so one can notice and witness.

*Actually, this is how you do an I statement, put yourself first and say what you need. But in my mind, I was trained to do the opposite. Even still, it is one thing to say what I feel, it is another to tell someone what I need, because they, in my experience and this gives context to the types of relationships I have been in, from my perspective, based on my experiences with folks I have been in intimate, close relationships with, the ones that matter to me and that I care about, I have found that they do not shift or change – leaving me with the message and notion I evoked within, that I alone am not worth it, worth their time or energy. I totally take responsibility for this, this is my shit, mine alone. For me, it is part of a larger story about taking responsibility for my stuff and not putting, placing or relying on others to do anything for me. Ouch, I can really hear my hurt in these words, behind these words. It also shows me that I cannot control or change anyone else, no matter how hard I try, wish, want or at times have attempted to manipulate or wrangle to have it be my way or to have be okay. I notice the tendency to smooth it over or make is fine, when deep inside there is pain that grows into resentment. There is deep, deep hurt here, clearly. And, it is important for me to note that this is a driving force and power in me taking responsibility for my role and my part in decisions and choices that I have made. Not all of which I would say are my proudest moments, yet they are true and have happened and I live with this, owning them.

The more I get to know myself, the more I have to face myself and take responsibility for my stuff, my role, my perspective and my part, I realize I cannot control anyone other than me. What folks do around me I have no control of, none. Even when I used the phrase “when you…. It makes me feel…” I can name it. I can say it. And that may be enough, that speaking up and sharing may be enough. For me though, it leaves me thinking that because I said it, someone cares enough to make the effort to shift and change. And no one can make anyone else change. That work is inner work. The true, driving force of change is an inner desire, one that does not come from power or threat or domination. And when I would say things like “when you…. It makes me feel,” I found I would be  putting the responsibility on someone else rather than taking responsibility for myself and my stuff. I would be waiting for them to take action, responsibility and ownership of their stuff. I think this is what I am irritated by, because folks have dumped their shit on me or projected their shit on me and I have thought it was mine- that I caused it or deserved it or warranted it. But not anymore. These recent months and the stuff that has been arising and causing discomfort, my cells screaming in protest – NO MORE, NOT ANYMORE, is showing me what I am ready to release and let go of.

And now, when I notice that, I have the opportunity to ask myself- what is showing up in me, within me that I do not like, that does not feel good, that I want to avoid or off load, because what it is really showing me is that something is here to address, to face, an opportunity to get curious, grow and learn.

It can be little things, like the energy that I have to “only’ do one thing like read, or prepare food, or rest. And it is not that I am lazy or wasting my time, or being a sloth or unproductive, it’s that this is what I have the energy and desire to do. And I am choosing to do for me, what I want, when I want.  So much of these past 9 months have been that, slow. Slow, quiet, inward. Contemplative. Reflective. Taking ownership. Noticing patterns, trends, habits and my role, my compliancy in preserving them, in keeping them going. Most often is it out of fear. Fear of what someone else might think, project or worse say to someone else and talk about me behind my back- ugh gossip really gets me. And again, in these moments I realize that is about them and this is about me and I can only take responsibility about me. My role, my part. How I play and participate, how I engage and show up.

I’m intrigued with what I meet and how I meet it. Tired. Tears. Emotions flowing. Laughter. Joy. Delight. All wrapped up in this discovery, uncovering and meeting what is here. This is great work. Work that feels like work, sometimes hard, sometimes fun, always rewarding. If not in the moment, I experience it soon after or later when I catch on to what it was once there is space and distance. Because I am working to not be all consumed with making meaning and understanding and trying to make sense. Especially of other people’s actions and choices, that is simply, I have found, is crazy making. And some things do not need to make sense, they are what they are. I take them at face value, rather than trying to read into them or analyze them.

I am getting more and more comfortable with things being as they are. Unfolding as they are, in the way they are. Not wanting them to shift or change or be another way. Which to me, signals an acceptance. A trust.

And this is where I am.

With a hug,
S