Practice and Presence

I set an intention this morning, during my practice to let go of all that I no longer need, all that no longer serves, to loosen the grip, to no longer hold on.  I have set an intention similar to this on many occasions, however today I knew I would be delving into material possessions from my past, things that I have not looked at or touched since May 2019. The intention is an invitation for me to witness, to see, to notice what arises when I delve into material belongings from the past and to not get attached to the stories that accompany them.

 As the day progressed, I received these messages from Sattva Yoga Academy:

“If a moment has shown up for you, you are ready for it.” 

So, when I opened a box and I located the journals from my Living Brave Semester with Brene Brown, I smiled.  This is a moment for me.

I learned of Brene Brown’s Living Brave Semester from a dear friend Mayling; we were on our yoga mats, whispering quietly before class began.  I was in. (As I type, the words, “Let that old story go, it’s a start…” are playing from Trevor Hall and Emory Hall.)

There is so much written and even more that is unwritten and yet speaks in the space between the words. So much to revisit, to read, to be with within these journals. The entries were written during the time I took the class during the winter in 2016.  Looking back from where I am now, here, I see how the words offered from Brene and the words I was able to locate within myself guided me towards the courage to live. Fully.

I can not locate when things shifted, for each time attempt to pin point a time, a moment, an event, I am able to trace that back to something else as well. There is not a defining moment, a moment when I am able to say, here, it is in this moment when it all began.  All of it, every moment, every interaction, every being, every encounter has offered me the opportunity to be here now. When I get really deep on this, I know this comes with the lives of my ancestors as well as my own vrittis and samskaras.

This knowing is backed by my life flowing through me and no one else, only me, for my life is me. I keep coming back to this, over and over and over again. Things arise for me, when I am ready, as opportunities to see. So today, when I opened the journals, I took a deep breath, knowing that the stories I told myself, the words I wrote were real to me, were my truth, at one time.

“Come as you are…all of it fits just right…there’s no tradition, nothing by the book…all you need is courage, have the strength to look…there’s no more pretending…” These words come from Trevor Hall’s ‘without expectation’ as I type this piece.

Courage

Come as you are

Everything will be alright

That is the thing, when you hold on tightly, there is a lot to lose (and at times it takes a lot to loosen). When I held on tightly, I held on in attempt to control. That was my stance, as I was able to put into words in those Living Brave journals, “I won’t feel, I will do. I don’t need help, I help.” That was how I functioned, rescuing, micromanaging, taking over, getting in to other people’s business. It was a way I knew.  It was the way I knew. It felt so necessary, so needed.

This moment to revisit these journals comes on the day when I also had an opportunity to I hear Kia Miller speak about a conversation she had with Anand Ji about just that.  They were speaking about Presence and Practice on a panel for Global Days of Unity. “Mind your business, be aware to not get into savior complex, get yourself in order,” Anand Ji shared. He continued, “Wake yourself up, that is our primary dharma. Naturally it will radiate out, it is a natural tendency. Natural tendency for things that are full is to spill out.” I have heard these teachings before; today they landed in a new way.

In the context of my past, how I was, my tendency was to get everyone else in order, to control every moment, every event. It was what I did to feel safe, to create some resemblance of safety, for if everything went as I planned, as I created, as I controlled, as I expected, then nothing would come out, pop up and surprise me. At least that was what I thought, that was my reasoning. That was my known.

These are a few entries from that winter in 2016

I hope to learn that the shield is too heavy to lug around and that is only keeps me from knowing myself and letting myself be known!

I am/have been part of the culture that feels/felt if I keep busy enough, the truth of my life won’t catch up.

I numb to avoid: shame, anxiety (uncertainty, overwhelming, demands on time), disconnection.

I can stop asking what is the quickest way for these emotions to go away and START asking, what are these feelings and where did they come from?

I am slowly learning how to straddle the tension that comes with understanding that I am tough and tender, brave and afraid, strong and struggling- all of these things all of the time. I am working on letting go of having to be one or another and embracing the wholeness of wholeheartedness.

The last page of the second journal reads:

Three Key Learnings:

*expectations set me up for let downs

*If I am clear with what I need help with and how I am feeling, folks know how to help, if I am not clear, they don’t know what I need/expect and can’t support me the way I hope/want/expect/need. They can’t read my mind.

*when I take care of myself - by being curious when I am in a fall or feeling shame - going to yoga, breathing, eating healthily and being mindful about my emotions, then I am my best self and can handle what comes my way

As I flipped through the pages of the journals from my Living Brave Semester, I felt called to reach out to Mayling, to share my discovery with her. I also felt called to open Book 3 from 2019… these are the words I read from this time last year:

I don’t have anywhere to go, anything to do and place to be…immerse…integrate.

I do have a job, it’s to learn more about myself- to look within- to rid and release these old patterns and habits and thoughts that have become conditioned within me, my ways, my cells. To pay attention to my environment, my surroundings… to be aware. 

I am here to be with myself- with no distractions- to get to know- to be in touch-to be inspired by me. That is my work.

Integration of the Summit, what does that mean?

To be with myself, to have the courage to look deep within, to look at the stories I have told and tell myself, the identities I’ve encased around/on myself- what I have allowed to define me.

That and a sense of trust. A deep knowing that I am on my path and all will be revealed to me when I am ready. I write this often and it is my truth. I am being guided. I am honoring the call and the messages and acknowledging the opportunities to learn, to see, to let go of all that constrains and holds and binds me, to that which limits me. So I can be a leader to others away from suffering towards love.

Earlier this week, I recalled an image from how I used to feel. For a long time, I felt I was walking the same path, over and over again. It was worn, so worn that I walked grooves into the earth, into the dirt. So worn that all I could see was the sky above, I had forgotten the vast landscape of possibilities. They were there, on the horizon, not far at all, out of sight and there within reach.

I used to think that if I was more mindful, if I thought more, if I talked more, if I analyzed more then I would understand, I would undo this knot.

I know now that asking questions, intellectualizing, thinking, trying to make meaning, attempting to make sense, replaying interactions, stories, narratives- all of this searching requires effort. All of this seeking, all of this yearning requires energy.  That, I know now, is not how I want to spend my energy, not how I want to spend my time. 

Rather, I choose to be present. Here. Now. Noticing. Witnessing. Aware of what surrounds me. To know the moment when emotion arises within me, to catch it, to catch the moment, rather than it hooking me. To see the invitation to get drawn in and say “I see you and no thank you.” This is my practice again and again and again. Present in the moment to notice, to witness and to be aware when emotion rises up. Patience and acceptance when I do get hooked, caught in the trap, drawn in, and trace the steps back to locate the moment when I got snared.

My practice is how I live my life.

I start with noticing. Approaching it all with a beginners mind. While simultaneously knowing that all of this fades, it all fades away. Nothing is permanent.

Grateful for my practice. Grateful for the opportunity to see clearly. Grateful for the opportunity to share this here with you.

With clarity,

Sara