Outgrowing what is Known

This post is a part of the series of post in which my aunt is asking questions to reflect on 2020. This is the response to the third question.

When did you stretch your comfort zone in 2020?

To answer this question, I would like to come to clarity around the meaning of comfort zone.  Comfort to me is known and familiar, reliable and steady, while zone is a range, a place that has invisible boundaries. A zone takes on a form, a fluid range that varies. With that, for me a comfort zone is a familiar space or place in which is known and somewhat consistent. Its boundaries are fluid yet there are parameters.

For me, stretching beyond the known requires trust. Trust in your own self, trusting your capacities. For as you step into the unknown, you carry the known with you. You carry yourself as you step forward in to the unknown.

These thoughts come to me now. Now there is this awareness of trust, now it is known. I am confident that I had not given this much thought to my decision to live at an ashram in India for 19 days. I do not recall having any thought as the car pulled on to the ashram grounds. The driver and his friend asked me, “are you sure you want us to leave you here?” “Yes,” I replied, “I am sure.” And I stepped out.

There I was, in this new, unfamiliar place. No one was there to greet me. No buildings or doors were marked. I knew nobody. I did not know how things worked, I did not know if folks spoke or would speak English or what my days would look and be like. I had no idea what I was stepping into.

While I was in India I had been (and still am) working on observing myself and noticing my actions, reactions, tendencies and habits and how I was really aware of them now that I am out of my familiar comfort zone in the USA. At the time I was reading the book This is That written by my teacher Anand Mehrotra and I read:

“Another meaning of tapah, is self-mastery, of watching oneself, mindful of not cultivating any level of dependency…. Tapah is also when we go on pilgrimages when we step out of our comfort zone, challenge ourselves……Tapah on that level is the practice of pushing the envelope, putting you out of your comfort* zone, cultivating tapah in your life because if you stay within your bubble, your bubble will, after a while consume you.”

*(As I began to type comfort I actually typed conform. Which I find fascinating… my awareness is around what I have let conform me- again, the habits, the ways, the routines the comforts.)

This excerpt is from post on my webpage and found its way to me and I sat with this question. It is within these words that the answer to this question arrives. 

As the clock struck 12:00 am on January 1, 2020, I was outside on the grounds of Sri Ram listening to the sounds of fireworks crackling in the night sky with the saptrishi constellation above. I love fireworks. As I watched them, I giggled with delight. 2020 began on the same grounds that only a few days before I placed my foot upon as I took the step out of the car, knowing nothing more about Sri Ram than they had many babies and welcomed extra hands to hold them. When I stepped out of the car the place was unknown and unfamiliar. In a few short days, some aspects became known; some aspects became familiar. And some things remained unknown. For that is the thing with known and unknown. Things are unknown until they are known, then they are known and cannot be unknown. Most things remain the same until you take a step. Which brings me back to the word conform which I typed when I meant to type comfort. Yes, conform, which for me means with form, to be in a line, to follow a sequence, something that is predictable, known. It is easy to conform, to find comfort in the known.

I stretched my comfort zone in 2020 while at Sri Ram, an ashram that opened their doors and their arms to welcome me, exactly as I am. When you are in a new place, with a different language, customs and ways of doing things, one thing that you have to do is be present and in the moment, not relying on what has been and what you are familiar with. During that time and since then, I have been cultivating not having any levels of dependency and consistency. It is easy to fall into a routine of having to rather than getting to and feeling stuck rather than recognizing the choices we have in every moment. It is easy to take for granted every moment that is offered for us, that is gifted to us in this life. It is easy to become complacent, easy to fall into a known, a routine, or a place where you move through life.

I notice how I slip into this place, this place of going through the motions, having life come to me in the day in and day out or as some folks say, same thing, different day.  However, now I know that each moment is different. Each moment that is here is a moment that is gone as soon as it arrives. This awareness is not new, it is not a result of being in India or experiencing 2020. For me, this awareness is deeper, there is more trust with it, it is backed by knowingness from experience, not just a belief or a phrase that I have said or that has been said to me. Nothing stays. Nothing remains. Events rise. Events disappear. Things come. Things go. That is the nature of time, things are constantly changing, that is what time brings to every moment, change. It is easy to feel stuck when you become complacent, easy to feel that you do not have choices. All events and moments in life are neutral. How we interpret these events, how we perceive the moments, how we interact and feel the events and moments is up to us, we have a choice.

We all have choices. I am an active participant in my life. I participate fully in my life, I co-create my life with the choices I actively make and the steps I take. I choose to embrace each day for the newness of possibilities that comes with it, to marvel with the possibilities held in the unknown of the day. For me, the alternative is to fall into a place of complacency, one of feeling stuck. At times I find myself there, and it is no longer familiar. What was once a known, familiar place is no longer my comfort zone. Rather, I meet discord there, something doesn’t feel right, it does not feel comfortable. Yes, that is how I stretched my comfort zone in 2020, in fact, I outgrew my comfort zone and stepped into a new one, one I will not return to.  What is the phrase folks use, hindsight is 2020. Look what I know now! Grateful for every moment and the ability to locate words to express myself and my current understanding of life, in regards to the context of comfort zones.