This Incredible Journey of Opening to Love

Opening to Love

A few moons back, not so long ago, a wise woman asked me to contemplate this:

What are your nourishing self-love practices? (*to read what I wrote, scroll to the bottom of this post)

Oh, self- love. What is that self-love? What is this self-love?  Self? Love? Nourishing? Practices? Me? I can do this? I can give to myself? I do not have to wait or look to someone else for this? Aren’t I supposed to be taken care of by someone else, turn my needs and wants over to them? Aren’t they supposed to be able to read my mind, to know what I need before I know myself? These are stories I have been told, narratives that have been shared and conditioning that has been marketed to me. Someone is to know me better than myself and my life’s work is to find that person, to locate that person and then, only then can I be whole, complete, taken care of and nurtured.

Yes, this is the story I was told. And this was the story I conjured, taken from life’s experiences, pulling in from all directions, collecting and gathering- waiting.

For what?

I continue to explore through the written form, many pieces about loving myself enough and setting myself free.

Trevor Hall has been speaking to me, his words like a love letter written by me even though it’s written my him and shared through his voice, calling me home…bringing me back to myself:

I remember you. Do you remember too?

Calling out to the way you were, the way you are

Calling out to the way you’ve always been

There’s no stopping the rising sun what’s done is done

Can you set your own self free?

Threads of speaking up and taking action, doing things for me continue to show up. I say continue because they arrive in every context. It’s not only on my mat or my cushion, when I am talking with a friend or reading a book- I encounter moments to live my life for me when I am at work, walking on the street, talking with my members of my family, overhearing a conversation (last week I cringed when I overheard someone say- but I need to prove myself to him!). There are always moments, endless moments for me to see myself. For me to free myself. For me to step for myself. Not someone else. Not thinking about how my choice will impact someone else or what someone else might do, say, think or feel. Not hesitating before I act or speak out, of fear of the response I will get or carefully calculating the situation to avoid a reaction. No, I am working on listening to the voice within- which is actually the work of discerning the voice within. The voice that is me and the voice I have come to know as mine which is actually the voice of others implanted in me. This is the tug, this dialogue between these two voices is the cause of confusion and self-doubt. Do I do for me or do I do for someone else? Do I do what I want to do or do I do what I think someone wants me to do? So, I step for me or do I step for another?

At times weight is here, it is heavy to carry this burden, this burden of who am I stepping for. The density of the reaction, the fear of what might come or be- being shunned, ignored, ostracized, someone making up a story about me, projecting. All of these things are true. All of these things can happen and they have happened. What I am realizing now, is that I can choose to be me, to step for me irrespective of the state of someone else. Irrespective of what is going on in someone else’s life. Irrespective of what might happen. Irrespective of the doubt and the worry, the voices that tell me “I wouldn’t say that if I were you.”

This is a huge ahah! for me. It might seem normal or common place for many. For me this is HUGE. So huge that when this notion, this way of being came to me as I sat at my altar last week I got my phone to record it so I would not forget. That is how new it was for me, how foreign of an idea and how exhilarating and freeing it was to realize. *refer the previous post to hear the recording.

What I am finding is a recognition of the inner feeling that arises when I don’t step for me, when I do not speak up out of fear or doubt or worry, when I sit in my own projections and ideas of what might come, what might happen, what might be. When I ignore my inner voice, my body starts to send signals, signals that I cannot ignore. It is like a fire inside, a storm is gathering, energy that is gaining momentum. It is closely associated to a known feeling of anxiety; however I am realizing it isn’t that, that I am feeling, sensing, noticing. I am being called to step. I am being called to stand up and speak out. It is mixed feeling, a feeling of necessity and passion, a feeling of immense fierce love and a crushing, an almost paralyzing feeling of fear. Fear of what if? But then, as soon as the fear of what if arrives, I am able to switch and ask myself- and what if you do not speak, stand, step? What then?

Ah, this fear of the unknown. The uncalculated, not predictable. Yet known. At the same time, known because we have experienced this realness of being shunned, ignored, silenced and ostracized before. This is why we are fearful of taking the step. Because the power of experience is so strong.  The fear is so strong it bounds us, it limits, us, it confines and convinces us to stay. It holds us in this space. This space that we know. This space that is known. And I am realizing that I no longer want to be in this space and not only that-  I NO LONGER HAVE TO LIVE IN THIS SPACE. This is what is HUGE. I have a choice. I know now that there is another way. While I do not know what will happen when I step and I also carry what has happened to me in the past when I have stepped AND I am still choosing to step in this way. This way for me. This way I want to step. This way that I am being called to step. I know what has happened in the past and I am still choosing to step. Irrespective of what has happened, what has been, could potentially be AND I am saying no longer. I cannot take, tolerate, accept, stand this any longer and so I step. And I take this step for me, not for anyone else. This step is for me.

This is a question that only we as individuals can answer. This is a question that only we know the answer to. When folks come to me and ask, “What am I to do?,” my response is always, “You know. You know. You already know. That is why you are asking this question.”

The question only arises once the answer is here. The knowing has already arrived and then the faculty of the mind kicks in and generates a question. This is the birth of self-doubt and confusion. At this juncture, at this intersection. It is at this meeting point of the knowing of the heart and the thinking quality of the mind where confusion comes. The heart knows, it is longing and responding to the call and then the mind turns on, it wakes up in a panic, shocked that it was left out shouting, wait, wait, why are you not consulting me? Why have you not checked in, why are you not inviting my opinion on the matter? Let me have a say- include my reasoning, justifications, excuses. And then it begins, the tug, the confusion, the doubt, the back and forth, the up and down. The I don’t know. I am usure. The questioning. The torment. The inner turmoil. Havoc is unleashed, chaos swirls and off the mind goes collecting and gathering all of its points of logic and analysis. No wonder why I am exhausted.

You know what I have been doing? I have been stepping. Overriding the thoughts of the mind and taking action. Trusting that I can handle what comes my way. If something comes my way as a result of my step, I’ve got it. I can be with what comes my way. I have come this far, haven’t I? I am still here aren’t I? Which really, is remarkable. Because the power of my mind is so strong, so alluring it is believing. It works nonstop to persuade me in its direction. It must have a savvy marketing manager because I am drawn right in. You know what else I know, something will come, because something always comes. Not as a consequence as I had grown to believe, no. No, something always comes and that something is an opportunity. An opportunity for me to see, for me to meet myself on the other side of fear, for me to meet myself beyond the limiting, narrow construct of the fearful mind and meet myself, envelope, surround and suspend myself in love. Love that I stepped in. Love that I stepped with. Love that I cultivated. Love that I crafted and created. Love that I am worthy of. Love that I am.

Ah, to be held in this love is a bliss like I have never encountered. This knowing is bliss, this is ecstasy.

This is what these past five months, past three years, last five years, this entire lifetime -what is time anyway except a linear construct to keep track of was- has been. A journey towards love. A journey towards myself. A journey home. A journey beyond, past the barriers and confines that have felt safe and have built to protect me from hurt and harm. That have shield me from being me, from feeling free and living. How many times have I wanted to and then stopped? Stopped because of the stories- too much, not enough, fear of rejection, hurt, pain, of being too big, of needing to stay in my place, of needing to check myself and my place, of needing to be reminded of who I am talking to, these powers of control and dynamics of dominance. They are all illusions. They are all illusions. They are all illusions. Illusions of the mind. A carefully crafted play where everyone is in on the script, fulling their roles and playing their part. The game I am expected to play, to put on my uniform and go get in the arena.

No. I will no longer sacrifice myself, my voice and my life to be accepted and to fit in with someone’s idea of who they want me to be or how they want me to be. If something wants to be expressed through me either in action or word, I will step. I will honor my inner voice; I will allow her to be heard. I will no longer be silencing her out of fear- out of fear of what if?

What if we changed the narrative and thought about what if in an expansive way rather than the prescribe narrow, reductionist way? What if we embrace the possibility that anything is possible? Which it is, I know this.  I know that anything is possible, it is only my mind and its stories that block me from traveling on that road, from entertaining the idea that anything is possible. This is a way that we have been trained to conform and to stay in our lane, to stay the course and fit in, not shake the status quo or cause any ripples. Because doing so requires someone to have to face themselves, to have to see what they are trying to ignore, to bury, to hide, to stuff and cram away. That is why I get shunned and ostracized. They can think we will send her away and the problem will go away. Although it does not work this way. That is not how life works. See, life can only be the way you are. You are the one who is living your life, no one else is living your life for you. We get conned thinking and offloading our choices and decisions on someone else, saying they made us do it, or it is their fault. NO. Nope. No one else is living your life except you. You are the one who is living your life. You. You and only you. It is time that we all started to realize this. That we all begin to see that life can only be the way we are and the way we are is how we view life, for life is flowing through you as you. No one else. When we see this, when we realize this, we can begin to take radical responsibility for our choices and actions. We are choosing to live our lives for ourselves and no one else. And really, that is why we are here. To live our own lives, fully. To live the life we came here to live. To be the unique, strong, powerful, fierce loving expressions of ourselves that no one else can be. It is not selfish or wrong or bad. It is the gift. A gift we can all give to each other, a gift we can give to one another. Know yourself fully and be you. Choose to live your life for you. FOR YOU, AS YOU.

Now that I know myself, there is never a going back. I can never go back. Only forward.

Step. Step. Stepping in love, the fierce love that surrounds, burns through this stuff that limits me and holds me utter awe and grace.

The love that is so intense and who force is so strong my only response to it’s call is,

If this is the ferocious love you have for me, I’ll match it!

LOVE YOU!

S

This is what I wrote on August 22, 2021 in preparation for the Opening to Love Circle:

 As soon as I saw that I was invited to answer questions, I balked. Really, I said to myself. I thought all that was being asked of me is to show up.  And, as I sit with this, I acknowledge how much blockage is here, that which I want to avoid looking into… and at the same time, here I am, showing up. Thank you for the invitation to see. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

What is the sacred purpose behind your decision to join this women’s circle?

To heal and be healed.

To give and receive.

To hold and be held.

To love and be loved.

To see and be seen.

To be held and embraced by the Divine Feminine, to share our stories, to bond, to know we are not alone, that we are together and that we are STRONGER than we can ever derive from thought.

What do you want to receive from our six-weeks together?

Clarity within myself, no end point. Nowhere to be. Deeper and expansive compassion and generosity for myself, towards myself.

Connection and bond with women.

How do you already embody love, just by being you? 

I am love. I exude love. So in that sense, I am love in body, I embody love. Nothing more to do than being me.

What is it that you want to commit to for our six weeks together?  What is your sacred commitment to yourself?

To show up and be fully open. Open to receive, accept, acknowledge, allow all that is arising to arise and move through me.

I became aware that my 54 day sadhana with the Maha Mriytunjaya will come to an end on September 1st, during this time. I smiled as I realized I would be engaging in work with self forgiveness and healing at the first and second chakras and feel called that this will move me more towards the Divine Feminine. And the commitment, the will, the staying power is located at the naval center along with absolute surrender totally letting go, which leads to the anahata, the seat of love, love itself, our purest form at the subtlest level. Truth. Love. Accessing the ferocious truth and love through commitment, staying power, total surrender healings and fearlessness.   YES PLEASE!

What are your nourishing self-love practices?  Or, if you do not have any self-love practices, what practices feel nourishing to you?

It is so easy for me to give. I have been trained, conditioned to give.   This is why I am showing up. To deepen my love for myself. And it is not to locate love or find love. It is to practice loving myself, fully accepting myself. Which is a practice. A daily practice. A conscious choice. Conscious awareness. Which when I type this I do, do. I do accept myself; I acknowledge this aspect of my journey and the growth I have made and the evolutionary steps I have taken. I am way more kind to myself than I have been- my kindness and generosity and love and compassion and forgiveness and acceptance towards, to myself has shifted, has grown and I recognize this, I see this, I celebrate this.

I show myself self-love by greeting myself with a smile, saying namaste to myself, smiling when I gaze at myself in the mirror or when my eye catches a glimpse of myself. I engage with self massage and self touch on a regular basis. My body says thank you for taking the time to massage myself with oil or lotion.

I listen to and honor my needs in the moment, rather than shun them or ignore them. That can be removing myself from a situation, not saying something, speaking up, taking a bath, taking a nap…. I remain committed to my practice and through my sadhanas I know that I can show up for myself and rely on myself.

I am and have been contemplating the connection of love and commitment. Are they the same? Does one come before the other? Is one a result of the other? I am not hung up on answering these inner inquiries, rather I am curious about the stories we have told ourselves about the meaning of the words and how those narratives around the words impact the meaning of the questions- really what is commitment?  What is love?

How can I support your unique needs during our journey together?  Is there anything that you are already working in your life that you would like me to be aware of?  Is there anything else that you would like me to know? 

What arose for me while writing, reflecting and being with these questions is a new awareness. I have known that I have been conditioned that in order to receive love, I must give something first or give something in return. This knowing has been known to me.  A new awareness arose, that for me to feel good, for me to feel pleasure is wrong and I need to punish myself for feeling good. That it is wrong to feel good. It is wrong to ask for things so that I can feel good, feel pleasure. This is both intimate and sexual but also connected to the simplicity of being in JOY and ENJOYING life itself. It is that I have been taught that to be in JOY or to enjoy life, living is wrong, is shameful, it bad, is not necessary, is too much….. This is huge and I see how this is the beginning to seeing deeper. I can already locate to “stories” and “narratives” that are playing out in my mind, and more are flooding in.

Yes, this is going to be a beautiful journey.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.