How has the trip been overall?

This is question posed by my dear friend Sara.  I am grateful for questions because they make me pause before I respond. How has the trip been overall?

Since today marks two months being here in India, I feel compelled to respond.

The first thought is that this is the longest I have been away from familiar aspects of comfort, the known in my life. Yet, as I type, I am here with myself and still holding on to some known aspects of my self that I am ready to release, to let go of. I heard a phrase the other day that goes something like this, “If you don’t have a tight grip, there is no reason to let go.” That one struck me big time. What am I holding on to? These old patterns, stories, perceptions that are not the real, true me. Rather they have been projected on to me, ways to be, things to do. And, while that is true, I too, take responsibility and ownership, for I have fully allowed them to become me, to become a part of me, at times define me.

I am not the victim. I am not the effect. Nothing is done to me.

Everything is done for me. 

Every moment is an opportunity for me to see, observe, and witness something within myself to use to grow, to evolve, to transcend.  

Today, as I laid in bed with a stomach issue (that started at 3:30 am-oh so not fun) I find myself returning to this question that has been arising- What am I doing here?

What am I doing here? 

What a deep question to ponder.  I am here. All of the events in my life brought me here to this very moment, sitting in my room at the Sri Ram Ashram typing these words to you.  I am here. Right now I am here. How did I arrive here? While there is a piece of me that acted, that took action to make this happen- to purchase a plane ticket, to have dinner with someone I met at a sound healing, to reach out to Sri Ram to arrange a visit- yes, there are “things” that I have done to arrive here right now.

There are also “things” that have happened in my life, experiences and opportunities that have lead me to this very moment.  Things that I did not “plan out,” rather situations were presented to me.  From those situations I had a choice on how to respond and it is the choice, the response that has lead me here.  Yet, I would not be here if it were not for the opportunities to make the choice.

I have said, felt and still feel a deep pull to be here.  While I am not sure what that pull is leading me towards, I do trust it- most of the time. I say ‘most of the time’ because there are moments like today, when I ask what am I doing here? When I am in a place of asking, I am not in a place of trusting the path. It is real. I’m sure many of you have experienced things when you ‘just KNOW,’ or something ‘flows through you with ease and grace, that you were not even doing, you were simply being.’

That is what I am doing here. I am simply being.  Being present. Being in the moment. Witnessing the miracle that is life right now, unfolding before my eyes, with such simplicity and grace.

Such a moment happened tonight at dinner, after the day of pondering why am I here, what am I doing? As I heard the dinner bell, I sent a message though WhatsApp to my family, put down my phone, got my thali plate, cup and spoon and made my way to dinner. I sat down and  thought, being here is like being in New York City. I am all alone, yet surrounded by life. There is little quiet here in India. At least the India that I know. (As I type a truck sounds his horn- and some horns here in India are unique to each truck, like an individualized announcement). I have found that to be here, to be present and in the moment, I have to turn inwards and become silent.  Silencing the inner mind- the one that wants to control, to judge, to criticize, to place value.  None of those things, which were huge patterns and habits of mine, work here. They don’t.  At times I have them, the desire to ask people to stop talking or to lower their voices, yet, what good will that do. Instead of seeking and wanting to control others, I turn inward. I notice that I want to control. I witness it. I see it for what it is. And that is that.

So tonight, as I sat on the floor preparing to eat dinner, I watched.  I sat quietly and watched.  I turned my head and witnessed something so beautiful, so simple; tears began to flow from my eyes, as they are revisiting the event.  Tanya (she is 3) and her ma were sitting next to each other. They both had their plates of food in front of them when a gentleman from the kitchen, a cook, brought over a box of sweets.  He lowered the box into their view (for he was standing and they were sitting on the floor). Ma selected a sweet, and the gentleman placed it in her clean hand (as her other hand had rice and dal on it since she was eating) and Tanya reached into the box and choose her sweet. Ma lifted the sweet to her forehead, to her third eye center and said a prayer. She lowered the sweet to her mouth and took bite. Tanya watched and followed, lifting her sweet to her third eye before eating it.

That is how we learn. By watching. Witnessing. Observing. Noticing and then doing.  A moment that lasted maybe twenty seconds was so simple and so beautiful at the same time. How many of those moments have I missed in this life?

So, how has the trip been overall? 

It has been a collection of moments, opportunities for me to observe, to witness, to learn, to grow.

I am grateful for every. single. one. of. them.

In love, full of love and light,

Sara