Face Yourself Fully

You cannot change yourself until you face yourself. -Anand Ji

My nieces and I often sing the lyrics to Michael Jackson’s Man in the Mirror.

And when we do, I smile for a lot of reasons. They choose to break into song, this song of all songs when we are walking, playing airplane on the front lawn, cruising around the cul de sac with ginger ales. It reminds me of my fifth grade graduation, we practiced singing this song in the library, but ended up not singing it because it was not as fast paced as the recorded version when we sang along with our music teacher’s piano.  I smile because the words resonate with me, they always have and they really are now. So when I heard my nieces sing this song this week, we turned it on, grabbed spoons as microphones and began singing.

“I’m starting with the man in the mirror

 I’m asking him to change his ways.

No message can be any clearer,

if you want to make the world a better place

take a look at yourself and

make the change.”

I am fully facing myself. All of it.  Sometime last year I made a huge revelation that in order to receive love, to feel loved, I had to give something of myself. I had grown to understand love as a transaction. When I first wrote those words, I stopped. I stopped typing and sat with what came out, what was coming up.

Now, I see that was on the surface and as I access more depth, more is being revealed. I see that I actually feel responsible for the actions of others, in some way I feel I deserve to be shunned, ignored, threatened, abused verbally and physically. Yes. You are reading that right, I feel I deserve it. That in some way my actions, by me being be, has activated something within another that causes them to react and as a result they are punishing me, that their choices, their actions are done and I am to accept them because I deserve them, I deserve to be punished.  I know. Let’s sit with this for a moment. Or many. This is huge.

It is disturbing to read. It is disturbing to think. It is disturbing to hear myself say these words out loud. And for me, to me they have been the truth, the way I have been operating, the way in which I have been carrying myself in the world.  Accepting the mistreatment, the lack of respect, taking it on, internalizing it as if I deserve it.

Ick. Ick. Ick.

And here it is. Out. Written. Spoken. No longer hidden. Uncovered. Revealed. Known. 

I do not deserve this. You do not deserve this. We do not deserve this.

That is the thing with things that are known, once they are known, they cannot become unknown. You can hide, you can pretend to not know, you can stuff it in closet, sweep it under the rug, turn off the lights, and yet, you know it is there, lingering.

Now, this is known about me. This being, somewhere along my journey I have become conditioned to feel responsible for the harmful, hurtful actions of other towards me, that in some way, my actions have prompted others to make these choices, choice to hurt and harm me and that in some way I am responsible for this pain, for this hurt that is being done to me. I have come to believe, that his is happening to me because I deserve it. Somewhere I have connected my actions with others actions. I have associated deserving the irresponsible choices of others as a form of punishment.

I see how we all have been conditioned in one way or another. You want something and someone who has the thing you want tells you no, and you ask again and again and again. And because the person who is holding the thing you want so bad becomes tired of hearing you over and over again, they say yes.  That, that message, that carries forward in to the world, so years later when someone says no or stop the person thinks they can keep going, being persistent and eventually you will give in.

I am here to tell you. NO. NO LONGER. I am standing firm, in warrior status, standing strong, grounded in the very truth of my being. NO. No means NO. Stop means STOP. Listen to the words that come from my mouth. Enough already. Enough.

No one should have to repeat themselves. No one should have to say No or Stop or Enough more than once.

We need to honor the words that are spoken the first time. Our words that are spoken need to be honored. Not later, not after you keeping trying and being persistent, NOW.

You know why this is relevant now, because I am saying enough. I am acknowledging that I did not cause the way folks speak to me, my actions are not the problem. I am not responsible for the actions of others. No I am not. What is mine is mine and I own it, I am facing myself fully and owning it. What is not mine is theirs, and what is theirs is theirs and I am no longer claiming it and taking responsibility for it. 

For so long I have had dreams about bathrooms and shit, releasing the waste, sending it down the drain, flushing it away.  A few weeks ago. I dreamt that I had to go to a yard store to pick up a vessel, it looked like a closet, to poop in.  So, I picked it up, I do not know if I carried it on my back, with a cart or a trailer, what I do know is that I brought it to the place I was and I pooped in it. Instead of leaving it there, with me, I returned it to where I got it from.  At the time, I did not make much sense of the dream.

Then, when I was writing it in my journal it came, the meaning came, I AM RETURNING ALL OF THE SHIT I HAVE COLLECTED WILLING OR UNWILLING OVER THE YEARS TO THE SENDER, TO ITS ORGINAL OWNERS, SAYING NO LONGER, THIS IS NOT MY SHIT TO TAKE ON, TO DEAL WITH, I AM NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR YOUR SHIT.

And you know what, we aren’t. We are taught, many of us are taught to not take that which is not ours. So why did I feel compelled, responsible, like it was my job to take on others shit.

You know what else we are taught, to accept it. To accept what is happening. To shut up, to not speak out. To not question, to not say anything. This teaching is powerful, it is a silent teaching, it is a teaching spoken though the eyes and actions, the teaching of power, control and fear. POWER. CONTROL. FEAR.

What I do know is that now I know this, I am aware. This awareness is here, front and center, loud and clear and I am acknowledging it. I am accepting it. I am taking full responsibility for all of this. For silencing myself from a place of fear, for taking that which was not mine and I am releasing it all to the original owner and for feeling that I deserve to be treated this way. I am not a dumping ground, I am not a vessel to hold your shit, your anger, your hurt, your pain.  I am not here for you to take you unwanted, unresolved shit out on me.

NO. Nope.

You know why? I know now that I am worthy. I am worthy of being loved. Feeling loved. Being treated with respect, dignity. I am worthy of being seen and spoken to.  Not only am I worthy of this and so much more, I am deserving of being seen, heard, acknowledged. These are basic rights of individuals, of human beings. I am here, claiming ground, standing firm on solid ground saying these actions, this behavior, this way of being, acting from a place of fear, the place that where power and control reside no longer acceptable.

Now I know. I used to not know this.

How you may ask, how did I not know I was worthy and deserving?

How do you not know things? For me, I do not know things because I have not experienced them, I have not felt them, I have not been told them, or interacted with in a way that shows this.

For me, I am okay not knowing. It is okay that I did not know, because now I know. Since I now know, I am facing myself. I am seeing myself. I am aware of patterns and trends, well grooved paths, familiar routes I have taken to be submissive, to make myself smaller, unseen, not heard.

Maybe I did know this and I forgot. I have a tendency to forget. When we forget, we remember. In remembering we realize we had forgotten. Well, I am here to say out loud, here and now, I am strong and powerful beyond measure. I know this as truth. I know this now and NO ONE can take this from me, NO ONE can silence this. No one. No thing. No Longer.

For I am here now. Facing myself FULLY.

“I’m starting with the man in the mirror

 I’m asking him to change his ways.

No message can be any clearer,

if you want to make the world a better place

take a look at yourself and

make the change.”

I’m starting with me. Making the changes within myself, for I know that is what I can do.

Taking the steps. Accessing my strength. Owning my power. Fearlessly being me. Free being me. Unapologetically me. Kirya, evolutionary action. Here. Now. Doing this for me, for us. Standing for all of us for have ever felt this and experienced this, you are not alone.

Inviting you to do the same. If you are not ready yet, know that these words I speak are also spoken for you. We rise. We stand. Together. Arm in arm. You are not alone.

With an embrace,

Sara