Coming to Center

I am noticing a desire to be quiet, in silence while simultaneously feeling the need to record what is in my mind. To share, to leave a trace.

I am currently immersed in Jytoish. Expanding in all directions inward and outward. I receive this knowledge, this wisdom, the teachings from my teacher Anand Ji with great reverence. I sit here in awe as I often am with the vastness and precision of this knowledge while simultaneously humbled.

The gaze, the view upon which one looks. How do we show up?  What preconceived notions do we hold? What are the stories that we tell ourselves, about ourselves, about others? Are we open? 

I notice my stories coming up, the ones that say my voice is not valid, not relevant, that I do not have anything to share or add. That my perspective is not important, it does not hold value.

I noticed this when I was asked to do a reading, my first reading. I was paired with A. A. has had readings done in the past, I have heard her speak to this. So as soon as I heard my name paired with hers, the stories of inadequateness came pouring in. As they do most often, when these stories flood my mind, I cannot see clearly. I am aware of this now, in my journey of understanding myself, noticing my own trends and patterns. I have caught on to this, this flooding of self doubt that clouds my view.  I also see it as a cloak, a cover that is placed over me, this covering that distorts my view, what I am able to see.

Within the awareness of these stories, I was able to reframe the moment and see an opportunity. To see the inherent opportunity embedded within, the opportunity for me to speak up, use my voice, to share my unique perspective, to read her chart through my gaze. 

Moments arrive. Time passes. The opportunity to read was upon me. I prepared the space with a candle and freshly cut daffodils from the garden. I set an intention to share freely, to trust what would flow through me.  I pressed the join button on Zoom and we were together. Here, now, together in the space, I lead us with an invocation, aligning ourselves and coming to center with our breath. Opening our eyes and coming into the space I paused to locate the words to segue to the chart. I shared, something similar to “Let’s bring in the relationship of Surya and Simha.”  A. paused, asking me “Are you sure?” 

Here it was, the moment in which I would be able to transcend the self doubt, to rise above the stories that I have told myself, that have been ingrained in me. “Yes, I am sure.” “Are you sure?” she asked again. This time I responded with, “You are asking me now twice, maybe I am not sure.”  “I am a Capricorn Lagna,” she shared. Continuing she added, “Leo is my sun sign. It appears Simha wants to speak, please continue, please share from here.”

Doubt was there. I saw it. I felt its presence. It made itself known to me.

Grace was also there. I saw it. I felt its presence. It made itself known to me.

I had a choice. The moment presented a choice.  I had an opportunity to choose which way to go.

I leaned in the direction of grace and love, allowing myself to align with my truth, gaining momentum with the balance of coming to center while being held in the loving presence and grace expressed by A. All of this enveloped me, I felt wrapped and held rather than cloaked and confused. I continued. I read. I shared what was meant to be shared in the moment, what was intended to be expressed. I know that grace and love are always here, in all ways. How they show up, how grace and love present themselves varies.

For each expression is as it is meant to be. There is value in each and every moment, inherent in each moment is an opportunity to grow, to see, to know. Each moment is relevant. Each moment is relevant for each of us in its own way. We meet each moment in the way it is intended to meet us.  We know this, we know we can share moments and within the sharing of the same moment there are various aspects of that shared moment that are of importance to us individually.  There is diversity here in the moment, the shared moment expresses differently for each of us who is experiencing the shared moment.

In this moment, Grace and Love showed up in a comical way. Grace and Love presented themselves in the form of playfulness, inviting me to see that there is joy in this. There is Joy in life, in everything. I do not have to take myself so seriously. I can make mistakes and forgive myself. I can accept what is happening as happening for me, rather than happening to me.

So, you see, my first chart reading, my first opportunity to read a chart was met in grace and love with laughter and humor. With humility and forgiveness. With strength and trust.

My first chart reading did not go how I envisioned it or planned it to be. Or did it?

My first chart reading came and met me, the moments unfolded and met me. I met the future. A.’s knowledge of her Lagna from previous chart readings gave me the opportunity to forgive myself, to respond in the moment, to choose trust over doubt, to return to center rather than remain unbalanced.

I showed up. I acknowledged the fear. I recognized the doubt. I shifted my gaze. I moved towards the love and grace that is always here.

Laughing and chuckling with the ways in which opportunities in life present themselves to me.

In Joy. With Joy. So within as without.

Sara