Being Me, Experiencing All of Me

This piece emerged from a letter that was written to a dear friend, coming straight from the heart.

I have found, from my experiences, that it is a lot for others to see all of me, to feel all of me, to be with all of me. In this knowing, I have found that, for me, there is not one person that can hold all of me unless that person is myself. I have come to rely on and accept that I can be me, with me. The darkest of dark depths and corners and the brightest of lights and radiance. 

So much of my journey these past four years has been coming home to myself, no more running, hiding, donning masks to fit in, no more numbing to avoid, no more dimming of my light or turning parts of me off so I can be okay around others and others can be okay around me. Along this journey, I have come to know that I can only be me, in fact, being me is the greatest gift I can give.  

I also acknowledge that there is an intense desire to be whole, full and complete. That desire is so strong I give part and pieces of myself over to others - I ask them to be responsible for me. I hold them responsible for the incompleteness that I feel and it breeds anger and resentment, more hurt and pain. The more I sit with this, the more I realize that when I give myself over to others, knowingly and unknowingly, willing and unwillingly, I am depleting myself, giving away my power and strength. Passing along the fuel and kindling that lights my fire and encourages my way on.  I have found, through acceptance and forgiveness to take everything that I have dumped on to others back, to take it all. To disconnect the cords that attach, the grip that holds and binds and to do the same in return. To give all that I have willingly and unwillingly, knowingly and unknowingly accepted and taken on, received as if I am a trash receptacle back to the original sender. I peel back the fingers that have a grip on me, remove the hooks that have me caught and swirling in their drama and I send it all back to them. I give it all back to them so they have their own fuel, so they can access their own energy and use it as they’d like.  There is immense freedom in this separation and owning of myself, my choices and my energy.

I share these words, because as I come home to myself, I find that there are a few who truly understand me, who can be with me when I traverse the depths and gasp for air, there are few who can fly high and celebrate the joy and bliss and ecstasy that I access when I meet my true self. What I find is that I have near and dear friends who I cannot share these intimate moments with because they have not experienced the depths and the highs and in trying to locate words to describe so they can understand requires too much energy on my part and reduces my experience. There are times that I feel so alone, so alone with these depths and heights. Alone when I want to talk with someone, to share and wonder who, who can meet me in this space? Alone when I want someone to sit with me and hold me. To hear me. To listen to me. Not to fix me or change me. For there is nothing wrong with me. I know that now. There is nothing wrong with me and there never has been anything wrong we me. It’s just that I did not know this within myself and those who I turned to, those who I gave power and authority to, felt in some way that I needed to be fixed, healed, changed and that it was their responsibility to do that for me.  

It’s an interesting place to be. For so long I sought to be known, to be understood. I would plan each word, sharing with intention so that there could be no error, no miscommunication, no confusion. I spent so much energy planning what I would say and how I would say it, all driven from this place of wanting to be known and understood. Now, I am comfortable in my aloneness. Okay with not being understood. There is this ease that is here in this knowing, knowing I am okay being me. That being me is enough.

In these alone moments, I find myself. I find the grace that is me, that has been here all along, waiting to be seen, waiting to be discovered. When I access this, there is an immense softness, my whole body relaxes and I realize I am being held in love. That I am always held in love. That this love is here, always. It's not that it is waiting for me to find it, for it knows that it is always here, always available and accessible in all ways. It knows this, and in this knowing, it knows I will find my way to it. It is a deep surrender. Not a giving up surrender. No, it is not that. It is a surrender that comes only when we access the dark moments of confusion, of feeling lost, of anger, of grief, of hurt, of sadness of why me, of why now, of how can I go on, of what am I supposed to do. 

I know these questions intimately - 'what is there to live for?' ‘why am I here?’ I know this depth. I have been there and there are times when I return there. It is known. It is familiar. And in honesty, only you can answer that question, for that question you ask is actually you asking yourself, from the place of your deepest longing, your deepest hurt.  Yet it is not yours alone. It is ours. We all ask these questions, only a few of us have had experiences that bring us here, to these depths, to face these questions, to touch it nose to nose, to know it, to smell it. And those of us who have asked these questions are here because something within us, something we touch, something we access in those depths invites us to rise up, to pull ourselves up, to crawl on our knees and to slowly stand and see that there is beauty. There is love. For only love can bring us to these depths and to these heights. 

For it is love itself, for you are love yourself.

No one else can do this, except you. No one else. 

When you feel the wave gaining backing and force and it begins to rise up, tell yourself, I have been here before and I will endure. You can take me to the depths, you can swirl me around, you can turn me upside down, you can take my breath away and cry all my tears until they are dry because I know, I know from experience that you too will pass. The intensity of the wave cannot maintain its force and destruction for that long. Eventually the energy that backs it will subside and you will begin to see the light on the surface and because light has a way of being magnetizing, you are drawn to it. And there in the light, everything looks different. There is a different world once you emerge and push through the surface, no longer held and tossed around in the currents. And slowly, slowly, slowly, you feel the gentle rocking, the bobbing up and down, the swaying of the ocean holding you. She is fierce, in this form, fiercer in her love and desire to hold you and comfort you and suspend you. It is this. And you see it all. You see her fierceness as she swells into a tsunami and you see her fierceness as she holds you. For this is the fierceness of the mother and all she knows is love.

Know deeply that you are held in love, the gentle soft love and the ferocious love. For all of it is love. Always here in all ways.

In love, with love, as love,

S