Access the Gap — sara lynn lashbrook

*If you would rather hear or listen to what has risen from this space, scroll to the bottom and there you will access audio recordings that I have made during this time.

A gap. The space between. To sit in. To be with. To do nothing. To simply be in space.

A gap. An in between. The known and the unknown.

A gap. A threshold.

A gap. Liminal, as Lisa offered me today.

To be here. With nothing to do. No desire. No outcome. No planning. No crafting or designing. No arranging or conjuring.

Being.

Allowing.

This is what is being offered. To sit. To accept. To stay. To be.

Rather than plan, do, organize, set up- all of which have been my go to actions when there is space. Fill it up. Make space and fill it up. Empty to fill.

Except now, I am seeing how I am invited to sit. To be. I receive. To stay. To not do. To be in the space. To access this gap. This in between.

And to be okay with it. To be at ease with it.

This space began three weeks ago when I came to the “end” of a sadhana, a commitment that I made. For over three years now, I have held back to back commitments to myself. Various sadhanas with a day or two, in between. Usually, when I am in a practice, something comes, some indication or sign come of what wants to flow next. It’s just that, that has not happened. Nothing has really come. Nothing has stuck. So here I find myself in this in between. In this space, this vast open space. This gap.

It is happening with work too. Things have come to an “end” and this ending is providing space to open up. I see how this space can allow possibilities to arise and present themselves, if I am able to maintain holding the space, rather than resort to my auto pilot action of filling it up.

I do this with my mind too. When I do not have the whole story, my mind likes to fill in the gaps and make projections with what it thinks makes sense or what might have happened, because this is the tendency of the mind. To make sense, to understand. To grasp at whatever it can to make meaning.

I do this with my time. Eating. Checking. Busying myself. Distracting. Diverting.

I do this with work. I tend to find ways to shift my schedule to show up and do more.

I do this with friends and social situations, over booking myself. Making commitments to others before creating space and time for myself.

I do this with situations that do not feel good and then feel the need to run, hide, solve, fix, avoid.

I have become accustomed to doing ANYTHING else rather than sitting and being. This doesn’t happen all of the time. It has happened. It does happen. It is something I am noticing.

And here, now, I am presented with an opportunity to be with this space. Space is showing up for me to be. To be in this space. This space that has been afforded to me, to simply be.

What is behind this doing? This filling in?

An ill ease with the void. With this space in between.

And then I sit. I sit and breathe.

I return to what is known. To be with what is here. To access what is always here, underneath the incessant chatter of the mind, the constant seeking and wanting, the thinking faculty of the mind. The mind wants to think its way out, think its way around and I know, I know that the thinking that got me here, is not going to get me anywhere other than here. So, the invitation is to sit, to return to my breath and breathe. In and out. In and out. In and out. Out and in. Out and in. Out and in.

Brining my mind back to the breath, back to the count, back to the intention. To sit. To breathe.

It is not that the mind stops. No, it can go on and on. And it does. It continues, it’s that once I have accessed a still space, a quiet space within, this void which is full of ease and grace, the thoughts have nothing to cling to, nothing to hold on to. Nothing to grip them or to clasp, so they do not remain. Here, yes, but not dominant, not as pronounced. Not dictating or directing. They fade, their presence is known and they do not have or hold value. My attention does not go to them.

This is the knowing. This is the commitment I have made to myself. To connect with myself through my breath. To meet myself before the mind. To meet myself in the space before the chatter of the mind. To meet myself beyond the chatter of the mind. The mind that wants to control, to make sense, to fill in the gaps.

Stay. Stay. Stay in the gap. Access the gap. This space of nothingness that is full of potentials. This rich space of possibilities. Access this gap.

Which reminds me of a teaching I have heard from every yogi, some variation of “wherever your attention flows, your energy goes.” Ah yes, what am I giving my attention to, where am I allowing or diverting my attention to? For whatever I am giving my attention to, grows. It expands. It is fed by my attention. So where am I putting my attention, the most important currency - my attention and energy - where am I putting it?

From this place, I can see the many truths. The multiple truths. The truths that are true when I give them attention and energy. When I focus my thoughts in their direction.

Here is a quick example of how from different perspectives one can see the same event.

Saturday was MahaShivaratri, the dark night of Shiva. It is a time of devotion and action in alignment with the cosmic force of death and transformation. (interesting to note that Shivaratri fell 28 days since I “ended” my last Sadhana….

It was beautiful. I moved through it with ease and grace, devotion, ceremony, celebration. Stillness, quiet, practice, commitment, steadfastness, love, dedication, laughter.

There were moments of playfulness and humor, when I realized I talked into Nandi’s horn rather than ear. Moments of reflection when I didn’t bring milk or a huge offering. There could have been moments of shame that I made a mistake and didn’t do it right. There were moments when I felt connected and grateful, at ease and in ecstasy and moments when I felt alone and excluded. All is dependent on my lens, on how I want to see. And this is dependent on my emotional state which is the outward expression of the state of my nervous system.

I could have read the day from a variety of perspectives:

From the lens of competition and critique, I could look at my day from a place of all that I did not do- I did not stay in “silence.” I did not fast. I did not stay up all night chanting. I did not access what I was supposed to access.

Or this lens of judgement, If I had done all of those things- being in silence, fasting, chanting, staying up all night then I would have received, accessed these deep messages beyond the veil, these trippy ways of being that I have been told about.

Then the justification comes in. But look at all that I did do. I woke before dawn, sat for mediation, went to the mandir, participated in puja, offerings and aarti. Connected with the deities. Made a commitment. Did a journey. Japa (two different chants). Went back to the mandir for aarti and bhajan. Sat for puja and evening practice….

Or it can be what it was. Without any attachment to narrative or story. A way it should have been or could have been. Without the idea of expectation or condition.

Simply accepting what it was for what it was.

The way it was.

And this is the invitation:

Stay. Stay. Stay in the gap. Access the gap. This space of nothingness that is full of potentials. This rich space of possibilities. Access this gap.

And be here, in this grace, this love, this ease, this peace of total acceptance for what is.

Total acceptance for what is.

Not wanting anything to be different or another way. Not wishing or ignoring. Not wanting to shift, alter or change.

Acceptance for all that is.

For all that is.

Hug,

If you would like to hear these awarenesses bubbling up or some of the pondering and reflections that arose, here are audio recordings that I made during this time….