Illusion and Delusion

I woke this morning and felt called to pull journals from my shelf from this time last year. I crawled back into bed, flipped through pages and began reading.

It is interesting to reread what I have written. Some of the emotion comes right back, it is familiar and does not feel so far away. Reading it reminds me. Then there are things that I have written that surprise me, things that I forgot about or haven’t remembered. And here too, reading reminds me. In this case, reading reminds me that my mind has a tendency to hold on to what it wants, it is selective and is choosey with what is wants to remember and revisit. So this practice of rereading what I have written in a beautiful invitation.

I read a quote from The Museum Of Optical Illusions. At the time I wrote it in my journal, I had not yet visited it. I did some research and gifted a journey to the Museum to my nieces for Christmas. The quote resonated with me then, I suppose which is why I wrote it in my journal Reading it today, had me thinking about what has been swirling around me.

“If a picture tells a thousand words, then an optical illusion tells a million.”

Illusion. Delusion. This play of life, what we think we see, what we think we know. I have been talking about a sow, a female pig and how the sow represents delusion in Buddhist Tradition. A few months ago, a murti of a deity riding a sow found its way to me. Delusion, the made-up stories by the mind.  While riding on the train the other day I read the words of don Miguel Luiz Jr. who, for the first time, made the concept of the enigma of the mind make sense to me. And just now, as I was writing in my journal it clicked, it all fell into place.

Our minds are wired to make sense, to comprehend and to fill in the blanks. This is what the logical mind is able to do. I know this from teaching reading, you may not know what a word means or how to pronounce it, but based on the context of what you are reading- either the sentence or the paragraph you can gleen what the words means, understand the sentence or what the author is trying to convey and read on. I also know this from reading the work of children or some of my nieces’ current writing. All of the letters are not there, but I can get the jist of what she is saying and from experience I can put together the letters that she has written and read what she has put into words. The mind, don Miguel Luiz Jr among so many others, shared so beautifully, that the mind has this tendency to want to make sense, to want to comprehend, to want to understand. So, when there are gaps the mind goes into its stored files of previous experiences, looks for something that is similar, some event with the players or situation that resembles my current event and then fills in the gaps.  The mind searches its known to figure out the unknown. I have known this before. It’s that now, this knowing is on a deeper level, a more vast understanding. One that has me settle down into my seat with a deep sigh and ponder its significance.

So today, just now as I was writing in my journal I had an awareness dawn on me. See, there have been moments recently when I have taken action, spoken up and said things, that felt good and right to share in the moment. Since I have not gotten a response, I am left wondering how my words landed. And in this left wondering place, my mind is clawing at an opportunity to make up a story, rather make up many stories and scenarios about what happened. The truth is, I shared and I do not know what the other person is thinking and in this space, this gap that is left open with the unknown, my mind has a desire to go looking, to go searching in previous experiences that are somewhat similar to pull out possible scenarios of what could have or might have happened. But, and but is really the correct word here, but I do not know. I have NO IDEA what actually happened. I am only seeing the moment from my lens which is one point of view. All of the other views, which are really assumptions, are birthed through this one point and there are all illusions that my mind came up with in attempt to make sense. So, in accordance to the quote I reread this morning, each assumption, is one point of view “in a million.” Yet, I find my mind feeling convinced that it is correct, that the stories it has made up are all correct and therefore true. So to my mind, these assumptions are actual truths and if I was not on to the play, the trick, the delusion of the mind- I would buy into them. I would see these stories as true. I would believe them to be true and then I would act from this place of truth, from these made up stories in my mind. And this, this is the narrow, limiting view in which I have gotten caught up in. I have been tangled up in these narrow, reduced versions of how things are or might be, based on how they were. All because my mind steps in and wants, has a natural desire to make sense, to make meaning and it fills in the gaps with what makes sense to it, based on what has happened to it (read, what has happened to me) in the past. But each time, and again, the word but is appropriate here, each time this happens, my mind reduces and shuts out all of the other possibilities. Why, because there are infinite possibilities and as soon as the mind latches on to one, as soon as it gets a hold of one, the others go away. It’s similar to a teacher asking a question with only one answer and children raising their hand to answer it. Once the teacher calls on the child and they answer it, your voice and the voices of others is no longer needed. You can picture if from your own schooling, once one child was called, all of the other hands went down, sometimes with a sigh or a deep exhale of disappointment. It was set and fixed from the beginning.

Yes, this is what came to me just now. This is what I wrote in my journal:

“Noticing how my attachment to certain beliefs narrow me and my thinking- limiting my perspective- only seeing my point of view, not the thousand others. Illusion. Delusion. The stories we fill in, make up to make sense when we do not have the whole story, don’t see all of the parts. This awareness plays out in such an expansive view. I only see what is happening now. I do not see all of the interworkings, actions, steps that are being orchestrated to make the next event possible.

Like someone could be on their way here, about the ring the doorbell. I don’t know. I don’t see that. I’ll know they are here when I hear the doorbell or see the headlights of a car in the driveway. I have no idea what is coming towards me, what is already set in motion- in play. I only see what is here now, that which is within my view. And this is all paired with time. How time plays a factor comes into play. So what is time- linear time according to the sun’s position in the cosmos and our position on earth to the sun, in relation to the whole cosmos. We are so tiny, so small.

And my mind wants to fill in the gaps- to know why I have not heard back, why I have not gotten a response. It is not bad or wrong. It’s natural. The mind naturally tires to comprehend, to make sense, to fit the now with what is already knows. What it has already experienced- which is narrow and limiting. Reducing the possibilities to what has already happened- not the thousands of possibilities that have potential.

Ah yes, this is what Anand Ji means when it collapses in on itself. It reduces, it narrows, has to fit into the slot of what is already known, rather than remaining open to the possibilities. This is what happens when the mind, the rational thinking mind steps in and turns on. Like sand in a timer or air and water in a drain, it collapses in on itself… WOW. This is a huge awareness. A beautiful awareness.”

 You know what? The only thing that matters is that I acted from a place of honesty and truth. That I acted and followed through on what wanted to flow in the moment, that I did not hold myself or any part of myself back. That I was free and my words flowed. All of this other stuff that is coming up, that has risen up and has swirled around in my head is all after thought, the mind catching up with what it could not control. For the mind does not control the flow, The flow happens outside of the realm of the mind. And when I am in the flow state, I am in the flow state. What wants to flow, flows, I have learned to not hold myself back. Yes, I have learned to not hold myself back. So now, the mind is catching on that it is not always in control and it does not like that, so it does what it can to regain control. And it has to work in some sneaky ways, because I am on to it, I am on to its ways…

As I reflect back to my journal from this time last year, journal #78, I feel called to share these pieces from entries:

“These six months since June- since the closure of Jyotish and that deep journey- Wahoo! Wahoo! Wahoo! I see that which I picked up- like the coats, the bottom feeder- all that others don’t want to deal with, face, so they drop.

I see how I constantly changed, adapted, was malleable- my stance, ways of being. To not disrupt, disturb- to not make a scene, cause damage, make myself and my thoughts known.

I see how I picked up folks’ problems, to fix, solve, resolve, amend – to make at ease – telling myself if I do this, I lessen your burden. I’ll add to mine, but that is okay, that is what I do. This is what I do. It is known. Its familiar. I’m good at it, this is my role. I see this now. What is theirs, is theirs, not mine. In fact. I can’t actually see what their burden, trouble, problem is- I only see how they are carrying it and how it is weighing them down. I see how it starts. The larger picture- the relating aspects, their relationship to themselves, themself, others- those dynamics- that I see clearly. Wanting a compliment about an action, wanting to be seen, acknowledged for something they did, said, either asked or unasked. It is the unasked. The asked really drives them- don’t you see all I have done, sacrifices, placed a burden on myself so you do not have to. While the other never asked them for anything, so they don’t fully get what that person is angry or resentful.  Wow. This is deep.

What is theirs is theirs. What is mine is mine and I face it- acknowledge and own it. Why? Because I want to drop it in the fire- for it to transcend, so I can keep moving on. Ain’t nobody gonna break my stride. Ain’t no body gonna slow me down. Oh NO, I’ve got to keep on moving.”

“I dreamt last night I was in a huge gathering space sharing wisdom- faces were so clear. One with curly brown hair. When you accept you are beautiful, all pain, suffering leaves. That was the message shared.”

“You can only see that which you want or are willing, allow yourself to see. This I know to be true. I also realized, saw clearly how I allow the cloak of darkness to be placed on me- drawing, blocking out the light and getting all consumed by the darkness. I read a text and instantly felt shamed, in trouble, bad, wrong, incompetent. In trouble, bad and in that moment I know I have given away my power- allowed the text, thought, words, feeling take over, control me. Focus my attention towards it. All I could do was think about that.

Grateful- with a full heart, a full expansive heart for every opportunity to grow, to learn to face myself fully. To accept where I am, where I have been.

To see clearly, with clarity.

I am able to see now. For I know it, the seeing will continue to expand.

To accept and honor others on their path. Those who show up and do the work I find value in and those who don’t.

For everyone is doing their best, the best from where they are currently.

No judgement- acceptance, no need to fix rescue, change. Acknowledging I do give up my power and I feel different when I do and I know I am aware when I am empowered, standing with myself, for myself, my greater good, highest self. Choosing growth over the ever repeating known and forgiving myself when I fall into my pattern, habit, old groove. Cherishing dialogue, opportunities to talk, connect with folks who also enjoy talking, sharing, growing, yearning to cultivate community rather than be a part where I feel alone as the one who is holding, doing the heavy lifting.

I’ve spent time being the light in the dark and I know I will continue to do so. I also know how empowered, elevated, uplifted I feel when I am surrounded, engaged with others, on the path who are interested in growth, witnessing and being aware, conscious of their role, part, participation.

Many, many seeds have been sowed and tended to- water and light and nourishing hands of love.

Looking forward to smelling their fragrances.”

“As I was walking down the stairs, I heard it.

The Greatest Love of All emanating from the tv! Learning to love yourself, that is the greatest love of all. And if by chance that special place, that you’ve been dreaming of, leads you to a lonely place- find your strength in love.

This comes on a night where I am tired and want to cry. To lay in bed and sob

Release

Soften

Here giving myself permission to be soft with myself- to be kind, be compassionate.

Not rigid, fixed.

This is an end- in a calendar, time sense.

In a larger sense, I see how I am mourning the old self- that is leaving. No longer needed and relevant. Shedding this rigid, fixed way, position, right, wrong, expectation, stance. Softening. Accepting myself and what I feel arising- be with it, not divert, over ride. Be with it.”

with acceptance, ease, grace

in peace and love,

Sara

PS. As I was re-reading this piece to edit and revise, the words “Tangled up in Blue” came to me. Which lead me to checking out the lyrics of Bob Dylan’s song. These stand out to me now:

“The only thing I knew how to do

was to keep on keeping on, like a bird that flew

tangled up in blue.”

“All the people we used to know

they’re an illusion to me now.”

Agreements, Assumptions and Arguments

I am the very thing that holds. I am the one that has the grip, the tendency to cling, the one that allows things to swirl. I am the one that holds rather than letting it drop or fall away. I am the one that keeps something alive, by replaying it over and over and over again in my mind.

What if I did not revisit something? What if I left it as it was? What if I allowed it to be rather than analyze it and ask what I could have done differently? It happened. It is in the past and me returning to it, dwelling on it is bringing it to now and I cannot go back.

Knowing that what I can do is take radical responsibility for my actions, words, choices and the assumptions that most of these were rooted in and release it all, accepting it to be what it is, for what it was-an opportunity to learn.

I am observing myself, noticing the play of the mind and what I have agreed to. What my mind and I have agreed to, these familiar patterns that have played out that I am now seeing are deeply rooted in assumptions. Oh yes, this rabbit hole goes deeper and deeper.

Agreements. They can be spoken or unspoken, subtle or pronounced. Clarified or hazy. I am noticing these agreements; the agreements I have with others and the agreements I have with myself. Agreements on how things will go, the role I will fall into, the things I will say. I am noticing that some of these agreements have become habitual and routine like, automatic responses where I simply do what is expected of me. Some of these agreements are not ways that I have consciously agreed to, rather I have taken them on as ways to be and interact. And by my taking them on, by participating with them I have agreed that they are the right, acceptable way.

Assumptions I am finding, most often through an unpleasant feeling or a reaction that has stunned me and taken me by surprise are always unspoken and they are subtle. For me they are subtle ways of manipulation and control. A gaze or a look of shame. An action that conveys that I am making a bad choice that is paired with an internal dialogue of “I wouldn’t do that if I were you.” This inner dialogue that speaks is how I know it is not about me, because whatever voice inside my head is saying, it is not me, those words are not mine. They are someone else’s words that have been said to me and I took them on, assuming that is the way I should be or life should be. They, the people who say these things or give these looks, I assume, are trying to control me and manipulate me through shame and blame, shunning my behavior or action. It is all unspoken and rarely acknowledged or addressed.

Arguments arise from the confluence of these two places. Agreements and assumptions. Because in order for these thoughts or ways to be to be an assumption, something I believe, I have to agree to them. The way I see something and the way another sees something is unique to each of us, based on our own experiences, agreements and assumptions. This is why I can be experiencing something with someone else and have a totally different experience. Agreements and assumptions are how I have come to see and navigate the world and they shape my experience. We each have our own agreement and assumptions. They are formed within us from the environments and systems that surround us, family, home, school, community, region, country. This is how I know they are not a part of me, because not everyone holds the same agreements and assumptions, they are learned and we learn them through the places where we interact with the world and those around us.

I have come to notice that when I enter a moment in a fixed or rigid way, I am not being flexible. I do not hear what someone else is saying to me and I feel I need to uphold what I have said, to feel that I am keeping my word. This has led me into some arguments, ones in which I feel like a bull elk entangling its antlers with my opponent. Words like, ‘you want to play’ and ‘you want to see how strong I am,’ come into my mind and I am clouded. My view is so hazy with the desire to keep to my word, be respected, right, exercise my control and strength that I am not interacting in a responsive way. Rather I am set, fixed. I am doing whatever I can to maintain my position, my stance. This is what I speak to when I share I am being rigid and fixed. There is no movement what-so-ever. I do not hear what anyone else is saying. I cannot even hear or see any other options or perspectives. It is as if I am locked in, strapped in and along for the ride. It is as if I am acting from a place of no mind, from a place of instinctual action with little to no rational thought. It is as if I am not using my mind at all, as if something else takes over or steps in. It is only after, when I come through- usually through some shocking moment or a phrase that is spoken that jolts me out so I can see. And then, once I meet myself there I am depleted, exhausted, confused and ashamed. Wondering what just happened?

This happened last week with my niece. She walked out of the bathroom wearing pants that she had worn three days in a row. It is as if she knew we would get into battle, because as she walked out she announced, “These are comfortable and I am wearing them to school.” I told her she wasn’t. I said, “No you are not. You are not walking out the door wearing those pants. You have worn them for three days and they are dirty.”  As she began to put on her shoes, I continued, “I do not know why you are putting on your shoes, I have already told you, you are not walking out of the house wearing those pants.” She came back at me, “you can’t tell me what to do. You are not my parents and they are okay with me wearing these pants to school so is my teacher.” Fixed. Set. Rigid. Gaining fire and momentum. I felt it coming on. I was not budging and the more she spoke, the more I dug my heels in the ground.

I walked away.  I went upstairs and sat down. My whole body was jittery, pulsing. I did not feel good. What have I done? What have I gotten myself into? I asked myself. How am I going to uphold this, how am I going to keep my word?  I came up with a brilliant plan, I thought, if she is not going to listen to me, I am going to tell her that she cannot do what she wants to do afterschool. Yes, this was my thinking. This was my reasoning, if you are not listening to me, if you are not showing me the respect that I deserve, because I am an adult and you are a child, because I said something and you have to honor my words, then I am going to ensure that what you want will not happen. Yes. Yes. All of this for power and control. To honor and uphold what I said.

She stood looking at me, crying and stomped off to change her pants. I began to walk out the door. She met me in the driveway crying, saying, “Auntie Sara, you are scaring me.” And there it was, the shock that jolted me out of my fixed position of power. She had the ability to walk up to me and say, you are scaring me. What was I doing? To what length would I have gone to uphold what I said?

It was quiet in the car and no one talked as we walked to school. Breaking the silence, I asked if she wanted to talk about what just happened now or after school. She said after school and I agreed. That would give us distance and time to reflect.

I reflected. I am still reflecting. Writing this now, two days later is evident of how this event has been a major teaching opportunity for me.

From the moment she opened the door, I was set on what I was going to do and say. I had already taken a position, rooted down in my warrior pose and was ready for battle.  I had a feeling she was going to emerge wearing the pants and it is as if the whole thing was already prearranged, destined to play out the way it did. Reflecting back, she spoke first and I did not honor her words. I told her that I heard her and that her way was not going to be the way it was going to be. I was standing firm, from a place where I saw my power and control and acted from there. I saw no other way. It did not occur to me until later in the day when I was talking with a colleague and a mom, who shared, did you think you could have said, I have reflected or changed my mind, or I realized what I said… And none of that was apparent or clear to me when I was in the haze. All I could see was being right and upholding what I said. Because, I have an agreement with myself, that there is power in the word and when I speak it, I act on it. I said something and I was determined to see it through. When she, through shaking teeth and eyes full of tears shared that I was scaring her it all became so crystal clear. What had I been doing? I was not honoring her, her words, her body, her feelings. I overrode them.

The very thing I am irritated about others doing to me is exactly what I did to her. I attempted to silence her voice out of power and control. Out of an assumption that I had, deep within, that someone might think I was not a responsible adult sending a child to school in pants that she had worn three maybe four days in a row. There are so many layers here. This assumption alone has many hooks and entry points. From me being a teacher. Fear of getting in trouble. Not doing something right. Society’s view on what is acceptable. What somebody else would think of me. When I revisited the morning events with my niece, she kept saying “everyone is okay with it, no one cares.” Her words echo in my mind. I was making it about me, and when it is about me, it speaks to me and where I am at. Not anyone else. What anyone else thinks is not relevant, nor does it matter. As she so aptly pointed out.

These agreements that I hold within myself paired with the assumptions I held led me to an argument. An external one with my niece and an internal one with my mind. The battle that brought to the surface that somewhere deep within, I have firmly held beliefs that are fixed and rigid. Beliefs that are rooted and attached to something deep within, that came up and surprised me. Oh yes, my baggage. The stuff that I carry, the weight and burden that I endure. Stuff that is still here. The story that I am not able to forgive- which brings me back full circle.

There are agreements that I have, that I hold, that I feel I have to uphold. Agreements that I have made with myself and others. Agreements that I did or did not know I agreed to until now, because now I am able to see them. They have revealed themselves to me. They are out in the open, out from under the rug, out from the dark recesses of my mind. They been brought to light, to be seen.

At times, I operate from a place of assumption. My desire to know is so strong that I create all of these stories up in my mind as if they are true, and from that space I interact with the world. I make up how you think of me, what you think about me. I tell myself what I think you are telling yourself about me in your mind and I become convinced that what I think is right, that you are definitely thinking these thoughts about me. Thoughts that play on my weak spots, my tender areas. Just the other week I was convinced that my mom was not having dessert because she felt I was fat and over indulging, that I was enjoying too much. I told myself that she did not take a fork or plate to enjoy dessert because she felt that by doing that she could control me. That her action to not eat dessert could shame me in some way- because it has in the past, that is how I learned this.  This is how I know. Or if I leave something out on the counter or forgot to put something away, that she or anyone else is telling themselves that I am irresponsible. Yes, yes. This is true. True to me. Real for me. These are two of the MANY experiences that I have encountered. I have lived my life by these assumptions, these made-up stories and projections and I have taken them to be true. Real. These assumptions are, at times, the foundation from which I am interacting, from which I am standing.

I am noticing that each time I become aware, I loosen up my grip on this tendency to project and fabricate, which really are markers of wanting to know and understand. There are a few things I can do- I can ask questions to clarify, to make clear the haziness that surrounds. I can continue to practice and be aware. And I can observe. Simply notice and watch and allow that which is happening, happen. Without a desire to change it in any way. This action requires me to acknowledge the assumptions and break free of the silent grip that they hold. Because what I am actually doing is speaking up, using my voice to clarify, to make visible the invisible ways that we have been communicating. Breaking the pattern of clouded, hazy living and moving toward clarity.

This most recent event with my niece has also opened me to soften into the notion that I do not have to go back and wish I had done something different, for it to be another way. I can simply accept that it was what it was and this is what it is. That I can take responsibility for my role and part and continue to step forward.

My tendency is to replay the event over and over in my mind. If I had said… or if I had done then maybe this wouldn’t have happened.  When I am in this place, I acknowledge that I want things to be a different way. That I am not at ease or happy or like what happened and I wish I could have experienced it in a different way.

In some way, this event and all of the others that I have experienced and wished could be another way, convey that I am wrong, or what I did was wrong or bad and that I caused a problem and that it should have been avoided. The more time I spend here, in the place where what I did was wrong and bad, telling myself that this whole thing could have been avoided if I had made a different choice perpetuates the struggle and suffering.

What if this is all happening for me to see and learn? What if all of this is happening so I can become aware of these tendencies and habitual ways of interacting? What if the action of being, of what transpired is enough? What if what happened, happened so it could be released and the tension and energy moved on its own? What if no more action or energy is required, needed or necessary?

Maybe then, from this new understanding I see that I have not been observing. Rather I have been noticing and watching. This may be what it means to observe, to not be attached to any particular outcome or way, not wanting to change anything or have it be a specific way. What if the practice of observing is this watching and noticing, without motive? It is sitting and being with what is here and what is happening.  Maybe it is not detaching and removing myself from the event and it is actually seeing my part, my role and how I participated to create what is unfolding in the moment. And the noticing is more of an afterthought that catches up with me. The noticing feels like it come with some judgement, some of my own projections which are tied to agreements that I have set and allowed myself to adhere to. Yes, observing and noticing are not the same. Up until this point, I have been using them interchangeably. I see how they are different.

I have been telling myself to become unattached, to no be attached to any outcome or specific way. The truth is, I am attached. I consist of attachments. I am connected to the earth through gravity. By body is held together by blood and water, tissue and bones. I am made of attachments. When my body is in harmony, I do not think of how it moves and works together, seamlessly. It is only when there is tension or disease, pain or an uncomfortably that arises that gets me thinking about how my body works, and most often, this tension is caused by restriction, by tightness which is similar to how I feel when I hold tight and grip.

The invitation here is to be more flexible, more fluid. More at ease with how things are, accepting the movement. Knowing that movement brings new. Always. There is a flow and when things are fluid, they are working in harmony.

In connection with the other themes that arise for me, I see how my reflections are also ways to attempt to control. To wish or want things to be a different way than the way they are, to go back and do them again. My desire to make sense and want to know is connected here, infused with the idea that what I did was wrong, so I want to ensure that what happened will not happen again because the feeling is really unpleasant. My reflections are tinged with judgement and criticism- if you had done _____ then this wouldn’t have happened. This is connected with my-self punishment and self-violent, self-deprecating thoughts.

What if all of this has to happen this way? What if it is all playing out according to the script and we are all playing our prescribed roles- acting to carry out the scenes? What if instead of wanting it to be another way, following someone else’s script or wanting to be in someone else’s role (which is a piece on its own) it is perfect as it is? What if I met life as it came to me rather than designing ways for it to be?

What if I dropped the need to know, make sense, understand and simply followed the ebbs and flows?

The image of a waterfall dropping or when water rushes over rocks comes to mind.  The water speeds up, gets churned up and the energy there is stronger as the water circles back upon itself, causing the clear water become full of air and bubbles, becoming a cloudy white. Water gives power, water creates energy. Eventually the descent evens out and the stream or river becomes clear again, moving freely with ease and fluidity.

My agreements are like the water, my assumptions are like the rocks and my arguments are like the falls themselves. They are all part of the river, all part of my journey, all part of the path itself.

Yes, yes. All part of the path for me to see.

With gratitude,

Sara

PS.  I shared this story with my mom. When I said, “I do not know who was speaking, whose words were coming out of my mouth,” my mom responded, “That was me.”

PPS. I do not need to know why or make sense of any of it. Simply allowing it to happen, unfold, unfurl and move, simply allowing it to be as it wants to be and sitting with it all.

PPS. There is immense power of the word, in the word and I do practice what I speak. It is important to me…

Echoing the Call

Sit or write. This is the inner debate that comes after acknowledging that I am tired of living. Not living life itself, rather the way that I have. I know this is an undoing, a time of great healing and rest and I am also tired of this enigma of the mind. My mind was hopping from one thing to the next, trying to make sense of how I arrived here. Why I became tired. My mind was scanning through the catalogs of reasoning that I have stored up.  It wanted to turn to outside sources. No, I told myself to sit. Sit on your cushion and close your eyes. Turn inwards. So I did.  I sat and did not have the energy to lift my hand to close a nostril for alternate nostril breathing, a cleansing breath I use when I feel dense. I did not do the breath technique. I sat. Sit, said a faint voice within. Sit. Do nothing, sit. Allow the breath to breathe you.

Then the words wanted to be written, to share this out.  Written, typed, these inner workings of the mind wanted to be written out in the moment - as it is unfolding in real time.  One moment fine, content, grateful, heart wide open expansive then next dark, tired, weighted, the cloak covers and I am despondent. I know this well. These swings, episodes, fluctuations, events, moments, slips, falls….they have been occurring for a long while, it is only recently that they come and go with a more rapid speed. They come in quick and they also leave, no longer sitting and lingering around.

Community. Community.  This is what is here. Community. I am a part of a community; it is that my community, my support group is all over the world, in many locations and I am here. I am grateful for my sangha who see me, hold me, encourage me, bolster me and there is this desire to be a part, a part of a larger community. Which, as I type, I know I am a part of. It is simply that they are not here and the community is not the kind that gathers in person regularly. Rather we are spread out, sharing our love and light and doing this work as conscious leaders and teachers. We connect in other ways and today, I am finding that I am tired of feeling like I am going at this alone. And what I am noticing is that I am seeking and wanting closer connection to this sangha in a physical way.

As I sat at the table, eating breakfast, alone, I watched the snowflakes fall. It is a beautiful moment to be a part of, a voice inside shares. And there was also this piece where I want to share it. It can be, rather it is, a both and for I love alone time. I am headed into some alone time this weekend. Me. My Self and I. Quiet. No one else around. No one else to navigate, to interact with. And this, I realize is why I am tired. Because I continue to allow myself to get pulled, allured or sometimes yanked into that which is not mine.  UGH. Capricorn I thought, Makara, the crocodile. The image of the clock in the crocodile’s belly in Peter Pan continues to arise. The Moon. My moon placed in Capricorn, the moving towards the darkest and shortest day of the year. Ah, yes. The solstice. The eve of the dawn of the days growing longer with more light. This is upon us….

As I sat, tears began to flow. This is what is feels like to die, to be dying. To consciously be aware that old parts of me are falling away, their grip is loosening as my identity is fading and there is nothing left for them to hold on to. Ah yes, this is what it feels like to be dying. This dance of Shiva, of Nataraj dancing in the fire burning all of the old patterns, domesticated ways of being, conditioned ways to think, react, be transforming by the catalyst of fire. Fire.

And while I am crying, a cardinal flies and perches on the window sill. A cardinal, sometimes known as the daughter of the sun…. a wave passes through me and become full of gratitude, this gift that comes out of the ether, flies directly toward me for me to see I am not alone. I can do this, move through this like I have all of the other phases, moments. This too shall pass. Although it not only sees, it gazes at me. Its eye looking at me. We were together, acknowledging one another’s presence, company. My call was answered. I am not alone.

Cardinal, according to my Divine Feather Messenger Deck by Alison De Nicola and whose delicate artwork is by David Scheirer, “has long been associated with important and essential qualities, such as the ‘cardinal directions’ in the Native American medicine wheel.”

Directions. Medicine Wheel.

They continue,

“Examine the opportunities in your life where a path to leadership many be opening up for you. Moving forward requires self-awareness and confidence in your unique qualities and gifts. Feel assured of your importance on this journey. Cardinal is calling you to see yourself in a new light. Use that light to move forward while you lead others to do the same. Cardinal bestows a special message of self-worth. Choose to claim this as a right and a truth.”

Choose to claim this as a right and a truth.  Moving forward requires self- awarenss and confidence in your unique qualities and gifts.

This is at the core of who I am. This undoing that is a happening, is stripping me bare of the stories I have told myself, that have been told or shown to me by the actions of others, that I am not worthy, not special and that I do not deserve to access the joys of life. I was taught not to be seen or heard, to not speak, share, point out, make myself known or draw any attention to myself.  And this undoing is painful. It is painful to peel away these layers that have dried on and stuck to me. It is also healing and soothing, needed and necessary. That was the message that was lingering from the restful state, it has been a continuous message- one of healing and resting. Restorative.

This comes on the morning after I bathed myself, literally and figuratively- in the water with salts and in an auditory wash while listening to David Whyte read his poem The Truelove. It arrived in my inbox via The Marginalian.

These are the two excerpts that resonated with me:

There is a faith in loving fiercely
the one who is rightfully yours,
especially if you have
waited years and especially
if part of you never believed
you could deserve this
loved and beckoning hand
held out to you this way.

…..

we finally step out of the boat
toward them, we find
everything holds
us, and everything confirms
our courage, and if you wanted
to drown you could,
but you don’t
because finally
after all this struggle
and all these years
you simply don’t want to
any more
you’ve simply had enough
of drowning
and you want to live and you
want to love and you will
walk across any territory
and any darkness
however fluid and however
dangerous to take the
one hand you know
belongs in yours.

I recalled the first time I heard David Whyte, he was reading his poems and the sound of his voice was coming through the speakers of a truck I was in while driving in the Paradise Valley five years ago with a woman who, at the time was my teacher and who has since become a mentor, confident and beloved friend. We were on our way to Jardine to a women’s gathering, one that she had suggested I accompany her to while we walked along the Snake River on a late fall, early winter day. It was grey and my inner state mirrored the surrounding environment. The leaves had fallen from the trees, snow blanketed the earth- it was quiet. The sound of our voices, when we spoke, joined the river as she flowed and the crunch of our boots on the path. 

Here, now, five years later his words meet me again.

This time echoing the calling, the longing for my own love for myself.

-S

This Thing Called Time

Ah, time.

Time. My relationship with you has evolved within you. My understanding and experiences of you continue to shift and change, defying what I have previous come to know as time.

We often think of time in a linear way.  Like a sequence, one thing before the other, in succession. Much of my relationship with time, I have discovered, has been circumstantial- first this, then this. For this to happen, this must happen.  I am discovering that I no longer buy into the narrative.

I have been spending my time, focusing my awareness on nature and her cycles - from the seasons to the phases of the moon - and what I am discovering is that things come and go. While events can have similarities, no two events are the same. No two moments are the same. They cannot be, for what unfolded to allow the events to present themselves at one moment are different than the next or this moment.  What can be, can never be again. What was, will not be again.

Each moment can only be the way it is in combination with the events that have led to the current moment. The way we show up to each moment is unique the to circumstances that led us there.

Ah, time.

This thing called time. This concept of time.

I have an interesting relationship with time. There are moments where an hour feels like a few minutes or a few minutes feel like hours. I acknowledge that there are things that I want and desire to happen and I set a timeframe for when ideally it will be, which also often means how it will go. When I do this, I am learning that I am not trusting the natural intelligence of timing. Instead, I am imposing or forcing my ideal on how and when things should be. As if I can control time. Ah, as if I could control time.

I have been opening up and noticing this desire. This desire of how and when I want things to be, how I think things can align and play out in a way that is best and ideal for me. This desire and wanting emerges from my current stance, for the benefit of my current stance. This is what I am noticing. Do you know what I am discovering?  I am seeing that my understanding and concept of time is very different than the way things actually play out.

I want something to happen and then years later it does. And things I never dreamed about, happen.

My relationship with time is warped. Sometimes I feel so much pressure by time that I feel I might self combust if something does not happen by or within the timeframe I set. This feeling is an all encompassing feeling of dread and despondency, of what did I do wrong and why do I not deserve. Then, there is another layer that is the simplicity and complexity of setting time frames and my relationship while interacting with them. It can feel imposing and limiting or empowering and freeing and it is these interactions with time that I have been sitting with. It comes from this I want and I desire space, it emerges from this place of I want and I desire and recently, when I find myself here, I have started asking myself, “What is underneath this? What is behind this? What is driving this?” 

In some way, it is connected to the belief that things come quickly and that fast and now is better. I hear comments in my mind, get it over with, go ahead and do it, now is the time, why wait, and they do not resonate with me anymore. I do not buy into them in the same way I used to before. Even saying this has a notion of time embedded in it.

For time is change. Time is indicated by change. Change happens and is marked by time. Time marks change. What has come, what has been. What is coming, what might be.

I rarely focus on the present moment in my thinking. Can you even think of the present moment, or is that taking you out of it and brining you into the thinking space….. I often find that I have been carried off by my thoughts into the future or into the past. I have techniques to root and ground myself into the present moment. However, what I find is that left to its own device, my mind has a plan of its own and it likes to generate thoughts. This is what my mind likes to do. It seems that this is what my mind was designed to do - to think. Think, all of the time. Analyze, ponder, wonder, question, doubt, worry… It is within these thoughts, thoughts generated by my mind, that plan and desire how I want things to be. Or rather it is the want and desire that generates the thoughts on how I think things should be. And honestly, it rarely, if ever goes as planned. I am usually either surprised and delighted with how things unfold or I am bummed and disappointed, let down.  And this I know is paired with my current consciousness state, they play into one another, they feed each other. How one is, influences one another. And all this, I am discovering is based on my desires and wants. If it exceeds what I thought, I am charmed and in awe. If it does not live up to what I thought it would be, I find myself wishing it went another way. Sometimes I am indifferent to it all, like it is just a ho hum moment. Sometimes, I’m finding, to my immense delight that I feel nothing. Not indifferent, it is more of a non-attachment, not clinging to one way or another. It is neutrality. Feeling neutral. This is not a not caring, for I care deeply, this I know. It is trust. It is surrender. It is acceptance for things being they way they are. A softening towards what is rather than a resistance and desire for it to be another way.

Sometimes the pull to want something is so strong I no longer see clearly. Everything that surrounds me becomes blurry, distorted and I feel confused. Wondering what happened? The desire to have something is so strong it has created an image in my mind of how it will be and when it is not that way, I find myself disoriented, in an unfamiliar space. I used to live here, in this space for long stretches of time. Living in this hazy blur of time. Confused and perplexed, wondering how did I get here, when here is so different than where I thought I would be. Oh yes, where I thought I would be when I left the present moment and dreamed up how the next moment will unfold, all to be the way I want them to be. This pull to want to control, this desire to want things to be a certain way is so strong I have to catch myself when it happens and it is here, when I ask myself why? Why do I have a preference or tendency to want things to be a certain way? What am I seeking?  Am I seeking comfort? Approval? Connection? A different sensation or feeling to replace what I am experiencing?

I do not have an answer to these questions. I am simply sharing that they are here, that this new awareness is here and I am invited to sit and stay with them. Be with them in this way, this way of wonder and awe.

Because, really, the whole reason I am here is rooted in this place of wonder and awe. How did I get here? How have I arrived here? How has life unfolded as me to bring me here? And if life can only be the way that I am, I want to continue to meet it in new ways, rather than the ways it has already been. For I know that I can not control life, I know this because I have tried. I have used a lot of energy trying to control and plan life, not just mine, but other people’s lives too.  And I know that these attempts are not good uses of my time, energy or attention. I already know that way, I have already experienced those ways.

The greatest moments I have encountered in life, the ones that have had me drop to my knees, melt, blur time, scream out loud, laugh with delight and awe and bring me to stillness - these moments have not been planned. These moments are the moments in which I met myself, discovered aspects of myself that I did not know were here, did not know was me, have been my greatest moments of learning.

So yes please, bring newness on!

I am ready for new, new ways of seeing, new ways of being, new ways of relating.  

While I was in India, I would hear the phrases, “slowly, slowly” and “everything in its time.” Embedded within these words and the space between them is an invitation of trust. To surrender to the natural intelligence that brought me here. The intelligence that knows, the inner knowing. The knowing within that requires no thought. No thought. Only presence.

Meeting you in this awe with wonder,

Sara

(You are the only one who can) Set Yourself Free

(You are the only one who can) Set Yourself Free

Let’s be with this.

There is a lot here. It may seem complex. Resistance may arise. Anger. Perhaps an inner scoff paired with dismissive words.

It is also simple. Simple. Yes, simple.

I am the only one who can set myself free.

You are the only one who can set yourself free.

It is so easy, and we have become accustomed to placing blame on others, without even thinking about it we take on a victim stance. We are consumed by this victim mentality. That someone, some thing, some event, some experience is out to ruin us, make us miserable, make life hard. That something other than ourselves, something outside of us is what causes our misery and suffering.

I know this, because I used to live like this. I lived in this fog, this hazy smoke that clouded my view, distorted my perception and outsourced all - everything that was wrong and not right - on something outside of me. The traffic light, a person, not having the color that I wanted, not getting the timing right when I cooked. I would look to blame anything outside of me for the current state of how I was feeling.

Until I began to sit with myself. Until the only thing that was familiar was me. It was then, when I began to see my patterns, my tendencies, my ways of interacting and projecting. When everything of comfort, all of my diversion tactics and ways to distract were removed and I was forced, invited, made to sit with myself I began to see.

I say force, invited, made to because it at some time has felt like either or all of these. Events happen, things change and they send you on a trajectory that you may not have planned for, wanted, ever thought about or could believe would ever happen. And yet they did. Over and over this would happen. And each time, there I was. In it. In this. This which surprised me, caught me off guard, snuck up on me. Sitting with this. My mind swirling with the thoughts and questions- wait, did this really just happen? Is this happening? What just happened?

Have you ever felt like this? Sometimes these thoughts happen in the moment, or slightly after. For me, in the beginning, it began the morning after. I would open my eyes, still in the daze of sleep, the simple moments before my mind turned on and then bam, I would be shocked, dismayed, confused and plunge deep into – oh my, this is real. This really happened.

I would review and analyze everything I said, every action I took trying to figure out how I got here. Questioning, doubting, blaming, shaming, doing whatever I could, any action all the while trying to ignore the truth. Attempting to reconfigure the outcome of reality that I was sitting with, sitting in. The reality of the truth that was.

And then I began to realize that the reality of the truth of what was, was based on my mind. The thoughts of my mind. I could be a victim. I could be a hero. I could be a martyr. I could blame myself, I could blame another person, I could blame the circumstances, I could blame an action. I wanted to run, hide, sleep, die. Anything I could to make it all go away, to not have to face the truth. To not have to deal. To not see.

Shifts came, and slowly, slowly I learned that I could accept. I could acknowledge. I could sit and be. I could take responsibility for my actions, my words, my participation, my role. That I did not have to be a victim. That I did not have to be a hero. That I did not have to be wronged or right. That I did not have to like or dislike what was happening. I did not have to have a preference on any of it. I could simply be with it.

Simply be with it.

It.  The feeling, the thought. The emotion. They are all separate and appear wrapped up to be the same. I became aware of this when I began to see them. When I began to notice them.  Sometimes this noticing came from another person, they would offer a different perspective to me that prompted me to see from another vantage point.  Sometimes, after the sensations passed, I would have bouts of clarity. Sometimes, in the midst of the storm, a clearing would open up and I would get what was happening and still feel the grip of emotion. Sometimes I would talk it out and unpack it, asking questions to reveal more and more- the stuff that was hidden underneath, the stuff that was hiding.

This hidden stuff, is the stuff that at times felt like it was lurking, was actually showing me what is here. What was under the surface at the foundation; what was at the root. Once the roots were revealed, I was able to ‘see’ more. More of the patterns, the tendencies, the reactions, the habits. This invisible hidden stuff became visible, in a sense for me to see. I began to notice the sensations that would arise that would indicate a reaction rather than a response. I noticed the desire to run and would chose to sit. I noticed the desire to talk to explain and justify and I would be quiet. I would notice when I wanted to say something and old way would tell me not to and I my voice would rise up from within. 

I began to play.

Yes, I began to play. With wonder and curiosity, I began to play.

      What would happen if I……?     What happens when…….?     How will this play out if I …….?

I was able to sit back enough to watch. To separate out the doing and the doer. The subtle difference between a reaction and a response. I began to notice the sensations in my body when I was getting lit up and activated. I began to notice where the sensations were in my body, which provided me space to choose rather than be taken over by a pattern, habit or engrained tendency.

It was this space, this space that I gave myself that helped me see more. More and more stuff was revealed. Stuff at times I did not want to see. Stuff at times I did not have the energy to deal with. Stuff at times that I felt I did not have the capacity to endure. Why me? I would ask. What more do you want from me? There were feelings of despondency, of defeat, of doubt.  The questions and curiously became more about why am I here, why am I doing this?

And then, as everything does, it would pass. The clouds would part, the sun would shine.

The night would end, dawn would break.

And it got me thinking.  Is night the end of light? Or is it the eve of dawn?

I’m not in a rigid place where it has to be one or another, it could be both or neither.

What intrigues me though, is this idea, that night can be the end and the eve. It all depends on how we look at it, and how we look at it is dependent on our current state. For me, that is the current state of my mind and the current state of my nervous system- which I have learned is deeply engrained and patterned with responses and reaction that have been set in place for years. Years.

This is where my practice comes in, the practice to be able to separate, to not cling, grasp or hold. To not identify with. To not label or define. To not try to make meaning or understand, categorize or wonder why. Rather, the invitation is to notice. To be aware. To be.

And it is here, here is the open vast space, this field where everything fades and drops. I lay down all of it. The tendencies, the stories, the projections, the ideas, the desires, the wants. All of it goes and what remains is a still, quiet space that is filled, infused, swirling with love.

This is where the crying and giggling comes in simultaneously. Crying with a sense of release and openness. Giggling with delight that I was gripping and holding on and causing so much pain. Crying that I was gripping and holding which was causing so much suffering and giggling with the awareness that once I let go I was met, surrounded, enveloped in love and bliss.

Anger that my gripping and holding prevented me from experiencing this bliss and love. Gratitude that the gipping and holding offered me the opportunity to release, drop and lay it all down so I could experience bliss and love.

It is not one or the other. One does not come first and the other after. It is not this linear aspect of time that I have been taught to work with, it is all at the same time. Simultaneously. Together. One is not dependent on the other. One does not rely on the other. There is no cause and effect. No first and then. These are constructs of the human mind, this is not how things work with the Divine. There is a whole new playing field here, once we get out of our own way. There is a whole new world, once we set ourselves free. The question is, are you willing to drop, release and let go all that you know? All that you have come to depend on, trust, rely on as the way things are? Are you willing to see the potential that there is another way? Are you willing to let aspects of yourself die and dissolve, crumble and fade?

Are you willing to explore the idea that the end is simply the eve?

Meeting you here, swirling in this bliss.

Sara

Suspended in Love

And here we are.  Emerging after another dip, dive, fall.  The analogy of climbing came to me with this one. As if I was climbing and the holds that I am used to grasping or gripping for my feet and hands are crumbling, dissolving. I am left searching in panic, frantically for something, anything to cling to, any resemblance of something familiar and known. I begin to descend, plunging and what ends up happening is I realize I am caught and held, suspended in the harness, dangling in this love, held love is this love, suspended in this love. Love that I set, love that I connected to, love as I discovered as I was climbing, as I have been taking the steps to ascend. This safety net that is this immense love, love that is always here, the foundation and space that surrounds.

I am 33 days into a practice. There is a clarity that comes with this new practice, that I can not fall. That I am always held. She lulls me. She holds me. She reminds me that she is always here. And when I say she, I mean the ever present, enveloping Love. It is love that I plunge into over and over again. Each time deeper and more expansive. This awareness comes to me with a new understanding of the fluctuations. We always return to the place that we maintain the most. Leading me to think about my journey, the steps that I have taken, the events that have unfolded.

That which I have come to rely on, hold on to, grip is dissolving, is crumbling, is no longer there. All that I can locate, all that is here is love. A vast, expansive field of love. Love that has always been here. Love that I am discovering in new ways all of the time.

As I drop the old stories, patterns. The self-negating thoughts, the self-deprecating thoughts, the self-violent thoughts, thoughts of doubt and worry, thoughts of not enough and scarcity, thoughts to control and manipulate- all of these thoughts that I have picked up and worn as garments, for ease, familiarity and comfort. All of these are being stripped away, taken away. And with each layer gone, I come closer and closer to myself, my true self. I access my voice. Not the voice that has been spoken to me. Not the projections of fear and confinement that have been engrained in me, that express as my thoughts and my voice. There is a separation now, I see how I have been trained, conditioned- that there are thoughts that are not mine. That I willingly took them on as mine, to fit in, to diminish and shut off aspects of myself to be accepted. And I know that we do not steal, we do not take that which is not ours, so I am not longer taking these on, welcoming them in. I see them. Yes, I acknowledge them. I give gratitude to them, for they are the foundation on what I have been built, and I no longer need this foundation, for I am held, dangling, suspended in love.

I have a choice now of what I want to draw in close. I have a choice of what types of seeds I want to plant in the fertile earth of my mind and heart. Before, I willing took all of the seeds in. Now, through commitment to myself and my practice; I have developed discernment and in this I have a choice, I have many choices. The whole field of possibilities are open and available to me. I get to decide. I choose how and what and when and why. I have reconnected to the ability to sense what feels aligned and in harmony and I know the signals I receive when it is not. This awareness is huge. This awareness is the foundation which enables me to discern. When before I would take it all, now I choose. I have techniques and strategies in place that support and embrace me, rather than drain and deplete me.

Yesterday in practice I was a seed. I followed the journey of a seed in the fertile ground of the earth. As it put it roots out and sprouted it began to ascend and rise up. Firmly planted, rooted to the earth, standing tall for all the world to see. To provide air to breathe, shade as respite, stable support to lean or lay, awe and beauty to behold. To be a listening ear, to receive your deepest longings and to share the voice, the intelligence of nature herself, LOVE.

Om Shanti Shanti Shanti

In peace, with peace, as peace.

Sara

Hear Me Roar

It is time for this to be shared… It has been referenced in a few previous pieces…. Here it is now…

I am this.

I am this baggage that I carry around

I am a sum of all of my parts

Complete

Whole

Inclusive

Not leaving anything out

For I am these experiences

That shape and mold me

How I see

Perceive

And understand this world

that I create

From these experiences

I am the sum of all of my parts

Every thought you have had of me is my truth, every perception you have had of me is me,

is my truth

Yes, this is what makes me alive

This is how I am alive

This is how I stay alive

In the images of your mind

The perception you hold of me

This is how I breathe

this is what fuels my fire,

That which is the kindling

It is not mine, it is yours

It is not true to me yet it is true to you, so it is here,

Out here vibrationally out here and I pick it up,

I receive it, not to own it

To transcend

Yes

To transcend it to transcend it

Here for me to see exactly what I am not

Fuel that propels me to see exactly who I am

to know exactly who I am 

from this

through this

I have walked through the fire

The fire of hate, hurt, projection,

The vision of me that you have

The one that is weak, needs to be fixed 

That something is wrong, that I am not okay

Yes, it is through these ideas and thoughts that you have of me

That I have become alive

Fueled by the fire inside

Enlivened by the fire inside

Kindled by your views, perceptions

Your projection of me

Fueled by this fire inside 

Everything that has been said to me, of me

Every story

Every lie

There is truth to it all 

I welcome it and claim it

Accept it

For this, this, this,

Your very being, your very thoughts

Is the fuel that burns this fire

Kindling, tending to the spark that has always been here

That is gaining power and strength

Gaining power

Gaining strength

Hear me roar

Hear me roar

For I come from warriors

Women who are strong, so strong they are feared

There very presence causes threat

And as our very being

We are silenced

We are shunned

We are hidden

We are ostracized

We are ignored

We are burned

I am here claiming this strength

This power of these women who have come,

Who have stood before me

Who have been silenced

Out of fear

And here I am

I am here

Using my voice

For those who have not had one

For those who have been hidden

For those who have had to hide

From fear

Fear of being hurt

Because they are themselves

they have covered themselves up

Layer by layer

Becoming invisible to some

And with each layer

Becoming more visible to themselves

With each projection, with each dump placed on them

They say themselves

THANK YOU

They rose

We rise

Don’t you see

Do you not see how

You have contributed to this, us

You have provided the fuel for this fire

For this fire to burn

To roar

Step close

Hear this sound

Feel this heat

Experience me fully

All that you have done to snuff me out

The water that has been poured, the shit that has been dumped

Thank You

You have contributed to me

You have made me

For I have never gone out

Never lost my spark

never stopped glowing

This ember inside has been kindled by the womb in which I reside

 the womb of all great mothers who have come before me

And this is the birth,

This birth

Loud

Warm

Entering with a roar

You cannot ignore me now.

For I have gained momentum

I have walked the path

My head is held high

I am not alone

I do not walk alone

I walk among

I see you

I see you hidden and cowering

I see you because I know this

I know this

I know the hurt, the pain

To turn your face away from yourself

Because you are too much for the others to bear

Because you do not fit with their idea of who you should be

I know this

And here, now, I take this back

I use this fuel to add to my roar

I am this roar

What you didn’t know was that I was silently receiving

Using this to gain strength

To gain momentum

Like the force of a wave, backed by the whole ocean

With each word, each action,

Every rejection

Every projection

I gained access to my self

Access to my true self

This strength

is strong

This knowing

is powerful

That I alone can break these chains of bondage

These shackles that have bound and constrained me

The very things you were trying to do was the very things that made me

Don’t you see

I cannot be ignored

I cannot be silenced

I cannot be hidden

I am meant to be here

To be me

For all the world to see

Yes, this is how I breathe

I am this song carried by the wind

The whisper you hear

The whisper you ignore

I am this

Gaining strength

With each dejection

With every turn of the head

With every rejection

I get stronger

you think you are ignoring me

and yet you are fueling me

your very actions are the strength that made me

that molded me to this

this woman

standing before you now

you must have forgotten that love cannot be destroyed

 I too forgot 

I too succumbed to the weight of fear

fearing myself

Running, hiding

Numbing

Shutting off all aspects of myself

Ignoring all aspects of myself

The very shunning and turning of your heads

That action, that behavior

I internalized

I watch and I followed 

I did exactly what was shown

A faithful student

Committed to growing

To fitting in

To being seen

The way you wanted me to

I did exactly what was told

I did exactly what I was shown

I turned away from myself

I adapted

Thinking that was what was best

Needed

Necessary

It worked

Your efforts and energy

Your lessons

Your actions

That which you showed

Worked

I took them on

I took your ways on

With each action bringing me further and further and further away

From myself

Until I remembered

Until I remembered

Until I remembered

For the truth of who I am cannot be erased

Forgotten yes

Erased no

For the essence remains

And now I remember

It is only you who has forgotten

There is power here

In this remembering

This strength I meet here

Through which these words are shared

The essence remains

And this essence is

Free

Fierce

Wild

Full of love

I stand here in this remembering

I stand here in this knowing

This inner knowing

This truth

The truth of who I am

Unapologetically being me

Unapologetically being me

Being, radiating, shining, sharing myself fully

Being ME

Me for there is no one else for me to be

And I have tried

I have been stuffed and crammed,

Hidden and shunned

Locked away from others and my own self

I allowed this

Allowed my voice to be silenced

I accepted your words, your view of me

Until now

Because in the forgetting, we remember

and I remember

this is an incredible gift to receive

and this one I will accept

fully

thank you for the opportunities to see myself

Your words give me strength

Your words are my strength

Feeding me

Feed me

As I inhale it all in

exhaling

Hear this roar

Hear this roar

Hear me

ROAR

the words began to flow

this is is the site of the first reading, which was recorded

the screenshot I took after I made the recording…..smiling noticing the time….

Indelible

Indelible

Came to me while I was washing dishes.

Indelible

It came from within, from the back places and came forward.

Indelible

A quick search reveals:

Indelible

(of ink or a pen) making marks that cannot be removed

Indelible

On this day of Code 1 “Put this purpose first!”

Indelible

Power of the word. Leave traces. That which withstands time.

Indelible

Jaw Dropping, Mouth Wide Open, Giddy with Delight and Laughter

This piece was written around the same time in August, sometime between the 20th and 26th…. so were the paintings

More keeps coming.

I woke this morning holding on to this notion that the teachings are designed to bring me somewhere, to access something. That my practice is a vehicle to get me somewhere. It is more of the same, if I do this (puja, this sadhana, this technique, this set) then this will happen (expansion, growth, vision, seeing beyond the veil, seeing the play). This if/then drives my seeking, my longing. I tell myself, if I do these things, then I will arrive here, be here, experience this. And for me it becomes more of a story of going, deserving, wanting, looking for.  I hear my teacher say come along, come along.  Along to where? Where am I going? I used to be enamored by this, thinking it is so loving, come along, come along. Today I saw it in a new way. I thought there was no where to go. The glow and shimmer are fading. I am aware how it is more of a pattern that grips me. Do this, and this will happen. Staying power is deserving power. Staying in what? Staying in the loop of wanting more, to take more trainings? To deserve what? Status, acceptance in the group? To go somewhere? To arrive at a place?

I could be far off base here, I could. I see this possibility. I also see that this could be real. That this ploy to entice, to play into the vulnerable, the weak- the undercurrent of you are not there until you have accomplished, taken, completed, achieved this status. This is what is arising for me. This is what has gotten my attention in a new way. This is what I see behind the veil.

It’s like the Wizard of Oz, the search for that which you already have, that which is within you. Except you don’t know that yet, because you forgot, so you go on this winding road and come to a glistening place with the idea that this wizard will change you, make you whole. Yet, you encounter those who uphold the secret, that the wizard is not a wizard. He is an ordinary, everyday person like you and me who has crafted a business that is efficient, someone who is a mastermind, someone who knows how to play the game. And that is revealed when the curtain is pulled back for anyone who wants to see. Even when the wizard diverts your attention back to the play, to the production. There is nothing for you to see here…

And that is the deception. That is the illusion. This knowing that something doesn’t feel right, but being told that everything is okay and all right and there is no need to focus any attention on the stories being told. The stories are being told by folks in asura nature, ignorant, out to destroy the façade. That they are bad and telling lies. That they do not know what they are speaking of and that it is their own ignorance that is driving them to speak up. They are then shunned, their comments are removed, they are threatened and they themselves are ostracized from the community- all out of fear that the truth will come out, will be revealed. Energy is given to filling in the cracks, patching up the leaks as the pressure builds. When pressure builds there is the potential for explosion, for eruption. Which causes tension and heightened emotions. The more we ignore, the bigger it grows. It is here, always lurking, ready to push through the cracks, to flow with force.

And here I sit. Navigating my role, my part, my contribution to this. It is showing me that again, I have overridden my intuition, my inner voice, this knowing. That is the power of fear and control. It lives, it feeds off of the need for silence, for power over. It gains strength with the turned eye, with the story that what you see is not true. It strips you of your own power, your own knowing. The grip of the lie is so strong, it is blinding. Allowing you only to see that which they want you to see. The rest is hidden away, or so they think. For when you are an observer, you watch. You witness and pay close attention to that which surrounds you, you are in tune and aware. Picking up on subtle clues that feel like something that is important to note and then you get swept up in the production of it all that you forget. On and on it continues, until one day all of the pieces come together to reveal a picture that you see clearly. One that you can not unsee. Yes, it is here where I sit. In this place where I can see and what I see I can not unsee.

Again, as I mentioned in my previous piece, all of this is pointing me towards myself, to turn inward towards myself and my own wisdom, strength and power- to not seek this from anyone other than me. To reconnect with myself and my inner wisdom. This outward stuff is the vehicle for me to see.

It’s as if a dismantling and a merging are happening simultaneously.  A dismantling of the what, how, when, who, a dissolving of the rigid structure of this, that which I welcome to confine and hold me and a merging of the student and teacher, the mentee and mentor as my friend Corrine beautifully pointed out. It’s remarkable how the mirror view allows me to see. Yes, yes, yes. A dismantling of the rigid holding and definitions that defined me. An undoing so the being can emerge, the merging into one- student and teacher, teacher and student, the mentee and the mentor, the mentor and the mentee.  Yes, I have been a guide. I have been guided. There is no separation now, no duality that keeps these apart. These recent events have led to me see that I am merging into one, no longer holding on to the rigid distinction or labels of having to be or the other. I can be both. I am both. I am both a student and a teacher. I am both a teacher and a student, simultaneously- happening at the same time.

Actually, this is how it has always been, it is only now that I am allowing myself to see. This awareness is catching up to me, tapping me on my shoulder and saying, yes, yes beloved. This is how it has always been. Welcome home. We are happy to have you home.

Which is interesting because this morning, as I lifted the blinds up I said, “welcome the sun, time to wake up and let the light in.” I smirked for a moment, yes, yes, Sara, it is time to let the light shine inside the house, allow the light in.  I feels like it is a metaphor for my life.

I was reminded of a story today when I was in India and I had a whole plan of how the day was going to pan out. And none of it went according to plan.  It is as if I am dropping the plan, dropping any notion of what will come or how it will be and stepping into the unknown.  Not alone as most of us think we are, rather we are accompanied by all of our past selves, past experiences, which was so beautifully conveyed today by Corrine. Yes, yes, never alone, surrounded, enveloped by the wisdom of me, that is me. For I am a sum of all that came before me, in fact, this is which led me here.

So then, I am not really going in on my own, or doing it alone. No. I have never been alone. Even in the darkest of moments when I have felt alone, misunderstood and apart, I have always been a part, a part of something far greater than I can imagine, envision, cognize or wrap my head around.

It is like my friend Chris said, what if we let go of this idea that this is so amazing. What if we let go of the notion that these synchronicities and alignments are rare which is why we appear surprised by them - what if this is life?  What if life is all synchronicities and alignments? What if we saw life like this? In harmony. What if we saw life as perfect? Perfect. In perfect harmony. The way it is.  Without any need or desire to shift or change it, to make it fit in with how we see, to divide it into neat compartments to make it all make sense, be orderly, without the desire to make it the way we want it to be.

What if it is perfect just the way it is? Perfectly unfolding the way it is. And our responsibility, what we are asked to do is to witness this, enjoy this and act in the way that we are being called forward to act. To lay down the burden of carrying this body and mind around with its desires and preferences and wants and rather, be in joy. To be in awe with it all. Not wanting to hold on to any of it, grip it or cling to it. Simple allow it to flow and be, exactly as it is meant to be.

What if with all of the time I spend in my head, I am missing these incredible gifts that lead me to giddy delight, awe, jaw dropping, mouth gaped open, breath taken away, laughing in awe. What if that is how life is?

Yes. Like this.

Flowing in love,

Sara

All of This On My Own

This piece was written on August 25th 2022, following the call to lead myself- which is in greater detail in the Emerging through the Smoke piece, which I wrote on August 20th.

I did it.

I did it.

I rolled out my mat, turn on my gentle flow playlist, followed the guidance from my body and began. I led myself through a practice. I moved the way my body wanted to move. I moved how my body wanted to move. I moved when my body wanted to move. I held postures when my body wanted to stay. The experience was incredible, uplifting, empowering, fulfilling and FUN!

I woke up this morning with a massive headache.  The pressure was intense and it lead to nausea. Then waves of heat began flowing throughout my body.  I took a COVID test and when it came back negative I said- there is stuff that wants to move Sara. Take action on what you said you were going to do and move your body, allow that which wants to flow, be released and flow.

Intuitivly, I knew I did not have COVID, I see my action to take a test to rule out the play of the mind and to confirm to myself that I can trust. That my body knows.

I have been in stillness and slowness since my days in silence. Moving slow. Not talking much. Not doing much. Reading and being with nature. Walking the labyrinth at the end of the street, watching the birds fly and the squirrels climb. So today, when I woke and did not feel well, I told myself to rest. To lay and rest. To allow my body to relax.  As I was laying hearing the rain fall on the roof I said to myself- you cried yesterday twice, cried this morning once, stuff wants to move. Honor your word, the word you said you would do and get on your mat and follow your intuition.

And I did. It really felt so good. I lost track of time. There was not I should do this and then I will do this. None of that. I flowed. I was in the moment, listening and moving my body it the way it wanted to move. I moved the way my body wanted to move with the breath, with the breath. It was so freeing. I could hold the pose for as long as I wanted. I could move when I wanted to move. Or rather I held the pose until my body wanted to move.  It wasn’t really a wanting, it was more of an undoing and being, a trusting. Which is exactly what I had set as an intention.

To follow my own lead. To be guided by my inner voice. To trust myself.

Stuff moved. I felt energy move. I noticed shaking, a releasing of a block (I know from my previous experiences the difference between pain, discomfort and a release. This is something that only you, as the practitioner knows through exploration and discovery). There was a lump on the right side of my throat that I noticed was there only on the exhale. I acknowledged it. I welcomed it. I focused my attention on it. You can go, you can stay. You can do what you want to do. I visualized it dissolving. It did not go away, it faded.  I noticed the discomfort was no longer there and I could exhale without being aware of it.

All of this on my own.  

I feel as if I am coming to the end of a long tunnel. It feels like I have been in a tunnel. The tunnel can be a canal, a birth canal, an inner place, a cave. I feel that the light is upon, it is within the distance.  It feels really good. There is something that is easing and pleasing. I am giddy about it all. It is a feeling that I enjoy, that I like and that I welcome.

Yes, this is what I wanted to share.

Hug,

Sara

Emerging Through the Smoke

This piece was written on August 20, 2022.

Ok. Here we go.

This, this, whatever this is has been inside me for some time and it wants to come out.

I am 48 hours into a silent practice. What, you may ask, does a silent practice involve? For me, since I can only speak for myself, on my behalf, this silent practice is one in which I turn inwards. A time when I can be with myself without turning to outside distractions- tv, texting, movies, internet other people (although I did teach last night and someone came to class for the first time, so I spoke in that hourlong space when we were together). It is time when I can access the silence of my mind, my inner being and see what wants to arise, to come through, to present itself. To cross a threshold.

I wrote a letter to my teacher, one of my teachers this morning.  It read:

I have only ever received love, felt love from you. For this I thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

This is true, I wrote the truth. I have only ever received love from Anand Ji. When I return to the silent space in my heart, all I have is love. All I am able to locate is love.

When my mind steps in, other feelings and emotions rush and it is a different story. Of course it is, for it is the story of the mind, not the heart. Yes, the story of the mind. For those of you who know me, you know that the pull of the mind is strong for me. The mind is something I am constantly aware of or if I am not aware of it, I am drawing back, pulling away my attention to it- which in essence can be the same thing.  There are times when I get so far back that I am away from my mind, I’ve accessed this no mind place and nothing is there only love and bliss.

I learned techniques to access this no mind place, this place before my mind from Anand Ji.  I travelled to India and studied there at Sattva Yoga Academy and completed my 200 hour training. Over the course of time when I lived in India, I studied at Sattva for seven weeks. Seven deeply impactful, influential, life changing weeks.  I have said before and I continue to feel this way, I have deep reverence for Anand Ji, for his graciousness and generosity to share these teachings with me. I also have great reverence for myself. For I am the one what showed up, that did the work, that faced my fears, my limited narrow view of myself, I am the one that took each step, I am the one that continues to take each step.

Which brings me to this current moment, this moment in which is upon me, calling me to take another step. A step to trust myself. To access my inner knowing. To turn within rather than seek out. I am being called to lead myself. To listen to my voice, my inner knowing and trust.

I can recall the feeling, the sensation that pulsed through my body when I led myself through the Sattva Warrior Flow. Yes, I led myself through each asana, each kriya, each pranayama technique. Yes, I followed a sequence and yes, I did it.  We were together in Shiva Hall at Sattva, during my 200 hour training and the time was upon us to lead ourselves. I was nervous, anxious, worried- what if I make a mistake, don’t get it right….and I began, we all began.  I moved at my own pace, I followed my intuition, I matched my movements with the breath. And then it was time to eat dinner. Our teachers wrapped up the “class” and folks began to leave.  I was not done. I had not made it through the whole sequence, I had not made it to the end. I made the choice to remain, to stay committed to myself and to see myself through to the end- to finish what I started.

This is what I looked like when I took a selfie (Oh my goodness, NATARAJ is there, I am there with Nataraj! I am realizing this now, cognizing this now. What? What! Yes, yes, yes!)

This is the journal entry that I wrote:

Completed my first “alone” “practice.” Sattva Warrior Flow 1 with pranayama + asana + kriya + meditation. Such Joy! In Shiva Hall with Tara! A beautiful sequence on my right standing leg- standing balance left leg at 90 into Virabhadrasna- warrior 3 into Dancer- such JOY! Such Joy + delight emanated through me as I went into shooting star! I feel beautiful- it was a true devotional practice to myself- an intimate dance at pieces of the flow- Grateful, grateful, grateful + full of Joy, delight, bliss, charm and self love for me and my capable body. Staying power (which I used) is deserving power.

This time feels similar. Similar in the sense that I am being called to lead myself. To drop my attachment and story that I need to be led by someone else. That I can only do my practice if someone else is leading me, guiding me or teaching me. I am being called to let that go, to loosen the grip- and let me tell you there is a piece of me that is clutching tight- wanting to hold on to the resource of the online platform. I find myself swirling in the story of- but I love this teacher or that class, what about this Satsang or that kriya that I have not yet been initiated into, what will I have when I no longer have access to this?

Ah, yes, and here it is… what I have not yet been initiated into, do not had access to. I knew it was here, all I needed to do was sit and type and it would come, the words would find their way to express, the emotion, the feeling would move through me. And here it is, I meet it here, it meets me here.

I have only completed my 200 hour training. Yep. I have only completed my 200 hour training. There is the word – only. Somehow I am held on this, that I am a low, not worthy, only completed 200 hours of training. And what this speaks to is all that I am NOT- not a 300 hour trained teacher, not a master teacher. This hierarchy that is set up, that is at the foundation of this system, this institution. That one must rise, go through these stages to be. To be. To be what I ask?

To be devoted?

To be committed?

To be loyal?

To be worthy?

To be included?

To be accepted?

To be seen?

To be considered in?

Yeah. This is the thing that emerges with steps and status, levels to achieve, trainings to complete. Is that what yoga is? Is that what learning is? Is that what determines a worthy student, a devotee?  These are the questions I have been asking myself, the questions I have been exploring, the questions that have been the source of my confusion. For I have heard Anand Ji say, “and they have only completed their 200 hrs.” I have also heard him say that he himself has not completed 200 hours or 300 hours and that these narrow slots, these reduced, reductionist ways of seeing the whole is limiting and imposes structures on the path to unity which is whole, united, one. Not separate.

There is a piece of me that is held in this, held in the words that I have heard my teacher speak, “only 200 hour.” Simultaneously there is a piece of me that knows that I am worthy and devoted and committed to myself, my growth and my evolution and that I do not need to be reduced to someone who completed only a 200 hour training. Here is the pull of the mind and the current invitation- to step beyond, to meet myself beyond this and to do so, I feel I need to step forward following my own inner knowing, my inner guide, the voice within-to stop relaying on the online platform to lead me, to be my entry point.

But that is not the whole truth. There is more. See, around this time last year I was in the thick of it. She is always in the thick of it, you might say to yourself. And I accept that, I welcome that to be a truth, for as Ram Dass so beautifully shares, “suffering is the unfolding of karma, you are working through/out stuff- it is your secret stash.” I will gladly work though this suffering so I can drop it and meet myself.  This time last year stuff in my secret stash, the stuff that I hide, push down to the dark recesses where no light goes, came and made itself known and I was fearful. Full of fear. Fearful for my life. Fearful for my safety. Full of fear that I went to the police station to set a restraining order. Yes. This is true. That was also a huge moment for me. A moment in which I recall leaving the police station full of gratitude for the officer who held space for me to share my story, my truth, my fear and for him to tell me I am not alone. That was a big step, a big punch through for me.

At the same time, I reached out to the Academy to ask for guidance.

I waited. I waited. I waited.

No response.

I waited some more. I continued to wait. Then I told myself that the reason I was not getting an answer was because I was supposed to figure it out on my own, I was meant to come to terms with this on my own. I told myself that no one responded to my email because I was seeking externally and I was supposed to turn inwards. That worked for some time, but the rage was brewing and I was angry. Full of heated words, feelings, and emotions of “I am not worthy because I am only a 200 hour,” “I have not completed my masters training,” or “I am not on the inner circle.”

Yes, all of this was stirring within. It was painful. It hurt. I was suffering. If you read any of the pieces that I wrote during that time, this is evident. There are also glimpses of love, self love and threads of trust, compassion and forgiveness.

I allowed time to pass and in early winter I worked up the courage to ask, to send an email asking why no one had responded.  I did the same in March. 

Here is the actual email I sent:

Namaskar.

Thank you for taking a moment to open and read this email.

I know folks are arriving back on Sattva grounds and I trust being together again is enlivening.

In the past nine months, I have sent a total of six emails to both of these addresses and have not received a response from either. 

Today, I am taking a moment to inquire from a place of curiosity, why?

Why has no one responded to my emails and requests?

I inquire from the full ferocious love of and for myself rather from a place of scarcity and lack, knowing I am a student of Anand Ji and Sattva Yoga Academy and I am worthy and deserving of having a reciprocal exchange of communication.

Thank you for taking a moment to respond.

With gratitude,

Sara

I have still not heard from anyone. No response. A total of six emails over the course of a year and not one response. Maybe I was not meant to get a response. Maybe what was required was for me to send the email. This could be true, there is truth to this. And, this silence speaks. This silence speaks volumes.

I know that I am worthy. I know that I am deserving. I know that this is a call, a call for me to step forward, to drop this baggage that I am desperately clinging to, holding on to like a life preserver, as if it is keeping me afloat.  And when I read this, when I read these words, I ask myself, what does that say about your relationship with yourself Sara, what is not said, what is said in the space between these words?

See, there is more. There is more that I have not wanted to share, not wanted to say out loud, not wanted to put out here because I am scared. Scared of being ostracized, of being excluded, of being shunned, removed and/or not welcomed. Yes, these too are real to me. Real to me because I have heard these very things happen to some of my friends and fellow students that I knew personally or knew of in my sangha, my yoga community.

I am reminded of a time when I was at Sattva, it was during my 200 hour training and we were being introduced, initiated into kriya practices. We were told to pay attention and take detailed notes on the specifics of the kriya, how we were led in and how we were led out of it. Some kriyas lead me to a space of bliss, a dreamlike space and in one particular case I was there, in that space and did not hear what our teacher told us. So, like I have encouraged my own students in the past to do when they have a question - ask the question, speak up because someone else may have the same wondering - I raised my hand and spoke, asking my teacher to repeat, to share again the steps to guide an individual out of the kriya.

I was told to pay attention and to listen.

I felt reprimanded. I was shunned. I looked around at my fellow 200 hour students in disbelief, in confusion- did that just happen? Did I catch that? One student looked at me and he answered my question, he spoke the words that I had not heard. 

Either later that day or the next we were asked to reflect on our time and this is what I wrote:

And there is more. More that wants to come. More that wants to be expressed.  At the same time I sent the emails last summer, early winter, I had resumed contact with someone I met at Sattva. During my time at Sattva, I kept very much to myself. I was aware of a social dynamic that was there, that I either a., did not want to be a part of or b., was scared to initiate because I did not feel I would fit it or worse, I would be excluded or rejected or c., I was deeply involved in my own growth and choose to remain distant. In honesty- there is truth in all three of these statements. I can recall my journal entry from my first visit to Sattva in November 2018:

Beginnings can be awkward for me sometimes. Why do I hold myself back? What do I deserve? Why do I pull away, withdrawal? Uncomfortable, awkward- out of place, unknown. Arrived at Sattva for the Summit. Beautiful drive- lush- winding road along Ganga and then a tributary- weaving, making our way through the mountain. I make myself invisible rather than stand out, I quiet and withdraw. It’s as if I tell myself I do not belong. This is an old, old well known, well traveled path. I can trace it to high school, middle school, elementary school- sleepovers especially- as if I am not worthy. So I wait until someone engages me, shy away or do something to make myself useful. Something to notice, be aware of. I defend myself by saying I am taking it all in, I am really uncomfortable. The idea of imposter popped up again- that I don’t know enough, I am not experienced enough or knowledgeable enough. I know I am not fake. I know I am real and honest with myself. What does being honest with myself mean? – from my heart? From my mind? Nothing is fixed with logic- only with the heart.

My initial reconnection to my Sattva friend brought me great joy-hearing her voice through the audio recordings that we left one another, recalling shared memories of our time together and simply connecting in the now. Then the sharing shifted. She began to tell stories and experiences while at Sattva. In the beginning I felt separate from the stories, they did not resonate or connect with me in any way, so I was able to remain distant, not attached. Then, as time passed and more was shared, I noticed myself getting sucked in and activated- telling myself, I do not want to know this and yet I cannot turn my head away now, I cannot, not listen to her recordings. She shared stories of her experiences that I cannot shake from my mind. Stories that validated inner feelings, gut responses that I had felt but had not been tuned into the finer details.  When I share that I was being activated, I mean I was being lit up. Stuff she was saying was landing in me, touching and lighting up previous experiences that I have had in life, experiences around safety, being heard, being seen, acknowledged, respected. Ah yes, my secret stash. I listened. I held space and then I felt called to share with her what I was able to see, glean from what she was telling with me paired with my own experiences.  It felt that was happening quickly and while I found myself getting sucked in, I also was able to access strength to say- this is not mine- I can support you from afar, I am here for you and this is your work, you have to take the steps. In the last few texts we exchanged, I was able to share clearly and directly what I was able to piece together based on what she was sharing. She sent a text back to me saying all was good. It had a very different feel than the texts I had been receiving, even the day prior.

Looking back, it was a huge lesson learned. A big, momentous moment for me, as I was able to separate out and see what is mine is mine and what is yours is yours. I was and am grateful for the listening ear that I had, the space that I was able to hold and the words that I chose to speak- even when they felt challenging to say out loud. This awareness and clarity was and is greatly in part to the forgiveness sadhana I was doing- working with a peace mantra three times a day and engaging in a deeply clearing and healing kriya set.

I came across this is a journal entry written from that time last year, I am fascinated by the dream:

I dreamt that the surface I was walking on was floating, moving, being manipulated by a machine- a boat, a float- it was turning around. Although I do not think I was aware it was a boat or that it moved until I was on it, witnessing it, experiencing it. I had to use quick steps to maintain my balance and I am smiling because this is how I feel, here and now in my life. I am trusting. I am very trusting. I trust others in ways that I am only beginning to fully see how. I don’t have any reservations. I trust. I trust and in this trusting I have no expectation of being deceived, manipulated or used. No, those thoughts do not appear in my mind. I do not enter a situation thinking, anticipating that I will be lied to, manipulated, deceived. I do not consider myself to be naïve. Rather I know that I trust. And now, this trusting, this knowing that I trust is surfacing. It surfaced when she told me that she questioned why she consulted in me, why she reached out to me- that I am new to Sattva and still innocent, wrapped in the façade of light + love and that I am naïve. That she should have spoken to another who has been at Sattva longer, who knows. Who knows what? This is what got me going. Who knows the inner workings, the lies, the facades, the ego desires for money? I see so much, now I know why I dreamt the floor, ground, foundation on which I stand was moving. I tell stories to justify, to explain, to make sense. Like, why, why has no one gotten back to me at Sattva. I’ve been sending emails since June 2021. Some inquiry, some sharing. No response. The set of emails in September, August- no response- got me fueled. There can be a host of reasons- one of which now I can see- Anand Ji doesn’t see me as a student. He sees me as a form of money, income, to tap into my vulnerable ways, my desire to know and grow and to get my money. I can only be here if you are here. I hear these words differently now. Yes, I have made you. I have helped contribute to you- build your ego, your stance, your power, your manipulation, your control. Wow. This is how I have participated. This is how I have played a role. In not seeing this. In turning a blind eye. In not wanting to fully see- to see pieces, parts, to tell stories to justify- to make sense. I have been deceived. I trusted. And I was sucked in by marketing, the images, the play. It is icky. It is icky. Icky. Sad. So very sad. Yes, there was a sense of intrigue to know the inner workings, behind the scenes- because I was in awe at Sattva and wanted to be there, a part. I see that, I acknowledge that. She also revealed stories, experiences in which it was hard to hear- to remain neutral because the stories were not aligned with what I thought, perceived. Indian vs. Western. Embodying what is taught. Genuinely sharing vs wanting money, greed- these shake my foundation. Yes- so I look to myself. The me I have come to rely on and trust and I forgive. I forgive myself for being trustful, open, for not seeing all – for seeing signs and bleaching the flags, ignoring them, turning an eye.

I forgive myself for believing

I forgive myself for being manipulated

I forgive myself for being trusting

I forgive myself for buying into the façade

I forgive myself for getting sucked in

I forgive you Anand Ji for straying from your path, for being human, for getting sucked in the ego and desire, for forgetting your power, for forgetting or maybe never fully knowing the role you stepped into. Maybe you never wanted this- maybe it became too much, you have a choice to be honest and step out.

I forgive myself. I forgive you.

I forgive myself. I forgive you.

I forgive myself. I forgive you.

I forgive myself. I forgive you.

I forgive myself. I forgive you.

I forgive myself. I forgive you.

I forgive myself. I forgive you.

And here now, as I am being called to take this next step, this step towards following my inner voice and trusting myself this is arising.  It is arising for me to see.

As I began this post, I wrote a letter to Anand Ji today saying I have only received and felt love from him. This is my truth. I stand in this. I allow myself to be enveloped in this.  Throughout my journey I continue to come to places where I accept my past, I accept that which I have encountered, stepped through, said, and participated in fully. For I am a sum of all of my parts. I had only one yucky experience when I was at Sattva, yet it is an experience whose presence still lingers. I do not use shame when teaching my students, I know the courage, strength and vulnerability it requires to speak up and to ask a question- especially when it has been made explicit to pay close attention. I have explored my role in this, the stories that I have attached to this moment- that I was irresponsible, that I made a mistake… and I continue to rest on the fact that I am here to learn and when I do not know, especially when I am in a space as a student, in a place where I am intentionally learning, that asking questions is part of the process.

And what was shared with me, are the words of another. They are not mine. They are her truth, her version of experiences that she felt called to share with me. Her words placed images and pictures in my mind that I cannot erase or ignore, turn my head away from or close my ears off and pretend that I did hear them. Because I have. I heard. And I cannot unhear.

As for the emails, I see how I have attached narratives to why I have not gotten a response. I see how my attachment has me locked into a position and an idea. I have asked- What does it matter? Why do I want to know? And for some reason it does. I cannot seem to shake it.

I am not writing off my experiences and time at Sattva, I am not going to go through my previous posts here or on Instagram and delete words shared to me by Anand Ji, I am not going to remove or pretend that he and Sattva Yoga Academy have not influenced the trajectory of my life. I am not here to erase my past. I am here to accept it, to acknowledge it, to speak its truth, my truth. I have learned techniques and Yog-Vedantic teachings from Anand Ji and Sattva. These are the practices I continue to embody and meet myself through in my own practice, it are these practices that have shifted the course of my life. They are that powerful and I feel called to share them with others who are willing and ready. And all of that will come, when the time comes.

I am showing up and being me. Opening and accepting that which is- not resisting, refusing, rejecting, blocking- because when this happens it shows me that something is here, holding me, trapping me, ensnaring me. Which I why I need to step, to release myself from this bind, which is showing up again now, a year later.

All I am doing is speaking my truth. The truth that comes from me being me, living my life and having experiences. Taking the action that I am called to take to grow, to evolve and heal myself.  I share this from a place of love, no hate or anger, resentment or animosity. Only love. As I typed these last few words, Anand Ji’s voice comes through the speaker Har Har Mahadeva Shambo… my heart melts, I meet love here. All I have is love. All I am able to locate is love.

Yoga continues to gift this to me, love, self love, knowing I am love and through this love of myself and for myself I am accessing my own strength. I meet myself here again and again and again. Through my practice I come to know my own strength, my own worth, my power. Power lives off of silence. Power is fueled from silence. Power gets its strength from silence. This pattern has been carried forward for a long, long, long, long time. I am done. I am no longer giving away my power, no longer freely offering it out. No longer sitting in silence out of fear. I am taking my power back. Coming more and more into alignment with the truth of who I am. Isn’t that a gift of being a teacher, to empower your students to carry on without you, to say you have done all you can and the rest is up to you?

The call is to drop the fear. I am stepping forward towards no longer living in fear, I assure you it is here. Fear is here. I can see it. Smell it. I know fear well. It’s breathing down my neck with its hot breath, its stench lingers and threatens- saying do not put this out- you have no idea of the power they hold. You can get yourself into a lot of danger and trouble- and this, feeling this, it is this that drives me, fuels me. This knowing that I am able to no longer feel the need to carry the burden of these stories around in silence and not speak up. No longer living off of what ifs, buying in to the fear-based narrative of being shunned or the grip, it’s really more of a clinging, I am not longer clinging to this narrative. Us, them. Worthy. Approval. In. Out. 200 hrs. Master. I am dropping it all and living.

For that is what I am here to do.

Live.

My only purpose is to live life.

Living requires choices and I see how when a choice is made, there are layers underneath that choice, subtle experiences that have led to the choice making. This piece has offered me the opportunity to see this clearly. As I continue to explore my responses and reactions, the feeling and sensations that arise in my body, I am learning. I am connecting with my inner voice, my intuition and allowing it to guide me even when I do not know why or when I do not understand and it makes no sense. Something is calling me to act. This action to step forward to rely on myself. To be my own teacher is one in a string of calls recently, calls that have been so loud I cannot ignore them. Calls have been heard, invitations were offered for me to take a step, to step forward to release the tightly held grip of fear, the fear that defines and confines, that restricts and holds back. I can stay in the pattern of fear- having a sense of what will come as a result of my previous experiences or what I feel might happen- this is the grip, this is the hold- or, knowing this I can choose to step, to act in a different way, breaking the pattern and meet whatever is there to greet me once I take the step. There are so many options, for sooo long I have felt my options have been narrow, reduced or limited and that is when I feel stuck. I have felt I have no other choice than to remain in pain, experiencing suffering and hurt, to stay silent, to not speak up, to be invisible, to not cause problems, to not be seen. I thought that was the only way. It is not. I see this now. I know this. There are so many ways, so many ways to see. Viewing through life through the lens of fear holds us in these repetitive patterns, it keeps us locked in. This is how fear controls us. This is how it steals our power, our strength, our voice. I see this clearly now.

Yes. Yes. This is the illusion. This is the play. This is Maya. This is Lila. Right here, right now. The idea, the though the illusion that we are held, trapped stuck.  Once we see this, once we see this we drop the karmic pattern- there is a natural releasing that happens in this seeing.  WOW.

All of this is actually only about me. It has nothing to do with Sattva, Anand Ji, emails and texts. These are simply the vehicles that are propelling me forward. These events had to occur, had to play out in this way for me to be able to see how fear has a grip on me and how it holds me back from fully living.  Sattva, Anand Ji, the emails, the voice recordings and the texts are all part of the script, all part of this play of life that I have created. I have cultivated this; I have carefully arranged all of this so I can see. I have cast some actors as villains, as those who are out to get me- they are not out to get me, no one is-they are simply playing their role, dutifully connected to their part. That is why they are here acting in this way. Oh yes, I see this and what arises is compassion and forgiveness. Gratitude for them to stay their course, to be loyal to their script, to play their part- all so I can see. ALL SO I CAN SEE.

I have to play my part too. I have to follow through and act. I see how these events have unfolded, the gifts of timing and alignment, the subtle cues and messages, the signs and calls. Life rearranges itself each time we step. We lift our foot and the path reconfigures, rising up to meet us when we place our foot down to complete the step. On and on it goes. We can walk the familiar, worn, well trodden path or we can switch it up, engage with life and keep it curious, wondering what we will do next.  Ah yes, this is when it gets interesting.

I am choosing to live life in this interesting, curious way. I am switching it up, I am playing the game fully. I know the some of the rules and I am choosing to no longer play the way I have been engrained to play. Yes, yes. I am playing in a way that has no secrets, nothing hidden, nothing covered up, nothing shielded or protected because clearly this is what I am here to do. This is a thread of my life, to see the fear and know what might happen and step forward to act anyway. This pattern is pronounced right now, it keeps showing up and it is connected, intertwined, woven in all that I do, in all that I am. I am peeling aways those layers each time my secret stash is revealed.

For this, for all of this I am grateful.

I would have it no other way.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

In Love for that is all there is,

Sara

Please note: I want to mention that I am reading Yoni Shakti by Uma Dinsmore-Tuli. This book found its way into my hands around the same time all was unfolding this time last year. Yoni Shakti had been recommended to me by a Sattva Sister and Sangha member and a few weeks later I saw this book on a shelf of another Sattva Sister. Yoni Shakti is an incredible resource, a book that I have only begin to dip a toe into.  Yesterday morning, 24 hours into my silent practice, I was called to pick up this book and enter the wisdom in its pages. I have read the preface and “author’s warning” before and yesterday I read it again. Ah, yes, I said as I read. I see what I am meant to do. To face this part of myself that feels silenced out of fear. What you read just now, is inspired by this call, this call to action, to rise up and meet myself and the stuff inside my secret stash.  I do not need to know why or understand why I am called to act; I trust that my action is healing and guiding my way on. Maybe it will for you too.

A Glimpse Into An Evening, My Mind and Moments in Time

This is a transcript of a recording I made on October 14th… I have chosen to not share the actual recording because it names streets and towns in which I live.

So, I have to be laughing at myself. I was in a funk this afternoon when I looked at my work schedule and all of these commitments that I have made. I am trying to figure out when I have some time for myself. The truth of it is, is that it is all for me none of isn’t- so that is kind of silly that I would even say that. I’m recognizing though that I feel that I am longing for the moments when I had days that were open and flexibility to be able to do, that which I want when I want rather than these commitments that I have committed too. Although none of the commitments that I have committed to, I don’t want, meaning I want all of them or I would have not committed to them. So, it is not like I am resentful or anything.

I am taking myself to a date, to go see Indigenous Liberations. It starts at 8:00 and I left the house a few minutes before 7:40 and it takes a few minutes to get down here. As I was leaving my street there was a huge truck and I thought to myself I am not going to follow behind the truck, because it was going straight. I decided to turn and take a different route. As soon as I got on to the next road, I was behind a car that was going 30 mph in a 45 zone. I found myself asking them why are you going so slow, why aren’t you going faster. I was irritated, it was not pleasant. When I got to the next major intersection, I saw that the truck was actually in front of me. And so, the whole time I was driving, I could see how far the truck was ahead of me, getting farther and farther away. All I could think of was, that is where I would be if I wasn’t here. If I wasn’t here, that is where I would be. But in the same sense this is where I am, and I had to settle in.

And then right before I took my second to last turn before arriving, I was one car behind the truck. I am here before 8 and it always, always works out.

The thing that has me intrigued, is that we, the natural tendency of the human mind is to always want to be anywhere other than where we are. We want to be somewhere else. We work hard to get there - we control, we plan, we devise, we create and yet the place where we desire is always just out of reach, we can see it. We can see where we want to be and it is a constant reminder of where we aren’t, which is where we are, which is the place we would rather not be, for we want to be somewhere other than here. Isn’t that a play of the mind? A play of ego?

That is what was arising, a month ago when I had that awareness while driving. I thought I could beat the truck, go faster than the truck, bypass the truck by taking another route and what do I encounter- the truck that I was trying to pass, avoid, beat was just a few car lengths ahead, a visual reminder of where I wanted to be, where I hoped I’d be. Where I thought I could be with my swift, crafty planning and there I was, behind it. Watching it gain distance, getting further and further ahead as my mind conjured up stories.  In the end, I “caught up” with the truck and it went its own way and I went mine.

In this, sitting with this, I am reminded of a teaching from Sattva Yoga Academy when I was studying in India. You are the path, the path is you. This is a loose transcription of an audio recording I made while in India on February 7, 2020:

“Something super excited revealed itself to me in my mediation this morning, and you know how you have been talking about the awe, the sense of discovery and wanting to share. The Aghhh, I figured this out. So here I am sharing this with you. In my mediation this morning, really I wasn’t contemplating it, it arose, it arose on its own, and I have been contemplating the question I am the path, the path is me. I have been working on my homework for 200 hour and I carry these questions around in my mind throughout the day. So yesterday I was having a conversation with a friend, not really a conversation, we were walking and he said we are going to go this way, we are going to deviate. Yeah, yeah I said, we are the path. And he was like something along the lines of, if we are the path, then we are not going anywhere. Ah, I said, that is interesting. I hadn’t thought about it that way, I hadn’t had that perspective presented to me. So this morning that popped into my mind and it happened really quickly, and the thing that responded after or the thing I responded to afterwards was, “if I am the path, and the path is me and then, I am not really ever going anywhere because I am the path, then I am always here!” I am such delight.. I sent it into the energy field and I wanted to really ensure that you heard it, so that is why I am recording it. For me and for you and for everyone who is listening. Thank you for sharing in my delight with me and have a glorious, radiant day.”

Which brings me to now. Now in the sense that I am experiencing forgiveness. Forgiveness and acceptance of how I used to be. What I used to do. How I used to carry myself and interact. Forgiveness and acceptance of what was. Forgiveness and Acceptance of how often I want to be anyone other than me, the story that someone else’s life is better than mine and that I need to be more like them and less like me. Forgiveness and acceptance of what brought me here, to this moment. Writing these words, as a cool breeze enters the room and brushes my hands, as I the sound of the tall grasses move with this wind and the warmth of the sun dancing on my cheeks. Yes, this grace is here, the grace of Forgiveness and Acceptance.

This time last year, I had recently embarked on the journey of forgiveness, acceptance and peace in a Forgiveness Sadhana. This is what I wrote on the opening pages of my sadhana journal:

Some context to how I arrived here: planted seeds verbally in a WhatsApp audio recording on July 5 for this forgiveness sadhana, to be initiated, lead, guided to, in this practice by Beloved Lisa and here we are.  On the day after closure of Brihaspatic, Budh, Shani and a 21 day Saraswati Mantra Sadhana which followed an intense run with Shani and 54 days of Maha Mriytunjaya Mantra and a lot of muck. I am seeing clearly now. Seeing what is here for me to see, the gifts I receive, that continue to flow to me with grace, gratitude and ease.

I see how forgiveness is necessary to soften, to accept, to heal

Forgiveness for forgetting

                        For being harsh, hard

                        For self doubt

                        For self negation

                        For control

                        For desire to control, to know, to make meaning, sense, to understand

                        For wishing things were different

                        For resisting and rejecting love and support

                        For feeling I need to go in and do this all alone

                        For feeling I need to be right, that it needs to be my way

                        For the times when I have acted without grace, love and acceptance

                        For my reactions

                        For my projections

                        For my self limiting stories and narratives

                        For the barriers I have placed on myself, to narrow myself, reduce myself, cage

myself, hold, contain myself

Smiling, for what I want, comes when it is time. Not when I want it to come. Not how I plan to it be. It shows up unexpected, unplanned, unannounced. I am dancing with this concept of time and the timing of how things unfold. Everything in its time, nothing before and nothing after. Everything now.

For events from February 7, 2020, November 11, 2021, October 14, 2022 and right now all swirl together and gift me this moment.

And this is exactly where I am meant to be, for the path is me and there is no where else to be.

Hari Om Tat Sat,

Sara

Intersection of Gentle Street

I found myself at the intersection on Gentle Street, literally. At first, I was struck by the name and now, as time passes I find myself reflecting on not only the name of the street or how I arrived there, I catch myself contemplating its significance.

I have lived a majority of my life dependent on outside sources.  When I speak to dependency I mean, I have relied on outside sources to determine, tell and define my inner state and well-being. For those of you that know me and read the inner workings of my mind, you are familiar with my experiences with the threads connected to acceptance, inclusion, rejection, exclusion, approval and fitting in (to name a few).

I used to be scared of people. This realization came to me when I crossed a bridge recently- yes it is both a literal awareness and a figurative one. While I have been scared of actual people, the realization uncovered while walking is that this is not directly related to the actual person per se, more about how they would react to me, something I did or said and sometimes what they think I would do. This fear defined my interactions, so much so that I withdrew, I would shy away and not speak up, share or defend. Instead, I would sit there and take whatever was thrown at me, thinking it was mine, that I in some way caused the person to act and react in whatever way they did and out of fear, I would avoid this at all costs. What this avoidance actually did was cost me my life. I would only act, share or say something if I knew I was going to receive a response that felt safe and accepting, rather than shaming or shunning. I became a shell of a person, a shell of me. Empty.

I lived like this for a long while. I am not sure when I actually stopped fearing individuals, I know it has happened gradually with time. It has grown as my relationship with myself has expanded,  with an awareness that I am not responsible for anyone else except me.  This is a huge understanding to come to, for it also means that I am only responsible for the way things are, the way I am. Yes. I am responsible for me and how things are. I am responsible for how I perceive life, how I interact with others, how I respond. I am responsible for what I say and what I do not say, what I do and what I do not do.

This way of living has been a subtle yet profound shift. I cannot locate a date or time, a specific moment or event that marks this change, yet I know it is here. I cannot locate a trace in my journal, there is not picture that marks a change in my face or way I carry myself. What is here though, is a noticeable change within, how I live my life and how I interact with life.

Which brings me to another change, I know that I am life itself. How life is can only be the way I am. I am the eyes that experience life, I am the very being that is living this life, my life. So life can only be the way I am. How I see life, how I interact with life is dependent on me. Not on anyone outside of me.  This is a huge cognitive shift. I used to outsource the status of my life to other people. How I was, was dependent on how they were. If they were ignoring me, I would hide. If they appeared angry or irritated, I would remove myself and be quiet. If they were pleasant and I felt safe, I would emerge from behind my protective shield, showing a glimpse of the true me. I shut of parts and pieces of myself to reduce the type of interaction that I had with another, again, out of fear.  Until I realized that the way they are has nothing to do with me, that I am life itself, so however I perceive life is the way I am. This knowing, its presence came slowly, it became brighter and brighter until it was the only things I could see.  I used to blame others if I was shy, scared, wanted to coward, hide or remove. This built a wall around me, a wall of protection as well as a wall of resentment. I stopped living in the moment, I was so focused on what had happened in the past that I would limit my interactions with the hopes of controlling my environment to prevent the future from happening.

Somewhere it dawned on me that I did not have to live that way. That life is meant to be lived fully, not in parts or pieces. That I am responsible for how I view life, that I have this choice, the choice to live life the way I want to live, to see life the way I want to live. My life does not have to look like someone else’s life. My life does not have to be lived according to how someone else wants it to be or thinks it should be. While I am not able to locate a time in my life where this profound shift occurred, I know this awareness is huge and it has had a noticeable impact on the way I carry myself, the way I interact with life itself. If I do not like something, I have the choice on how I want my inner state to be. My inner state is not dependent on the outer environment. I know this because I pay attention to my body, it gives subtle or not so subtle messages to me that I now am aware of and tune in to. It is a practice that requires a lot of attention and focus. It also requires acceptance and forgiveness. Forgiveness of myself and others and acceptance that while I cannot control what happens outside of me, I take full responsibility for my inner state and how I am inside is up to me and no one else.

Which brings me to Gentle Street, I found myself there on the verge of a huge shift in my life. This is a moment that I can recall. The next day, when I walked back to the intersection and sat, recalling the events that had transpired in the last 48 hours. I found my body soften, relax. I exhaled deeply, reminding myself, life can only be the way I am. In that moment, I realized it was much more than what had just happened. That was a result of everything that came before it. It was every moment, every step, every thought, every action. And gratitude was the feeling I touched there on the intersection of Gentle Street. I was grateful. Full of gratitude. Grateful for what was being shown, for what was revealed, for what was uncovered. Grateful for how I showed up, how I responded, what I said and the actions I took. No longer hiding, no longer cautious or worried about what someone else thought of me. For what I found in that moment, was, what mattered more was my relationship with myself, how I viewed myself, how I carried myself through life’s moments, the ones that come full of grace, bliss and ease as well as the ones that come with pain, agony and grief. The ones full of laughter and joy and the ones in which I cry until there is no more sound. Yes, all of these moments are gifts, opportunities unfolding, happening for me to grow, for me to learn, to evolve. So, as I travel along this path on this journey of life, I know I can be kind and gentle with myself. If I forget, because I often do, I know eventually I will cross paths with Gentle Street. An invitation to sit and pause - in total surrender, knowing, knowing fully that ALL that is happening is for me and there is nothing else for me to do, except simply be me.

Meeting you here, at this crossroads to sit and be with you,

Sara

what wants to grow

Positioned in child’s pose

allow all to flow

open up,

energy moves

a message comes

Heal yourself

You are healing yourself

No need to do

Let it flow, move

move

Move

Allow it to move

Tracy Chapmans’s “I’m ready to let the river rush over me,”

plays in my mind

Wash away

Cleanse

Two nights ago felt similar

stuff arising

only to move

Not attached, connected

Couldn’t locate, recall or remember

This is the work of the body

Heal

its own energy

Its own power

Its own strength

intelligence to heal

I am surely departing lighter than I arrived

I think as I cough,

Yes,

The cough is supporting of this release

from what I refer to as the cave in my chest

heart, lungs

The chest cavity

Space

I knew there would be a clearing

To the depths and how it would arrive was unknown

What happens to the space within the crack

when we let light in, allow light in

for that which wants to be nourished

                                                 nurtured by

                        the essence of nature

natural essence

what it does, what it knows

the slit, the break

nature continues to thrive

doing what it knows to do

nourish

provide

sustain

destroy

I meet myself here

allowing the light in to the cracks

into the space

to nourish

to heal

To be surprised

First Light

Grace is gazing upon me

An ease

A whisper

You are held

You are safe

Soften

Trust

where did this come from

this longing to heal

grief

from the caves of my lungs

the sound currents of my past

swelling

rising

up

are no longer contained

no longer held

no longer

not a moment longer

managed

maintained

hidden

tucked away within the depths of my being

they come from the root

rising

swelling

gathering

collecting

Expanding

Touching the wounds, the hurt, the pain, the sufferring

They are awakened, activated

beckoning the gut to act

to pump

contract

guttural sounds

sounds

calls from deep within

want to be heard

the longing to be expressed

announcing, signaling

scooping up all it can

bringing it in

closer

closer

making it real

to touch, feel

more and more

bringing it towards

gathering

collecting

to be seen, felt, heard

propelled by the gut

waves

guttural sensations swell and

meet the heart

pulsing, beating

gaining vibration

rising to the throat

until they can no longer be contained

no longer be ignored

rising up

to breathe for the first

time

to touch the light

carried on the wind

to be set forth

mouth open

release

This is the Practice, I Meet it Here, NOW.

Why are we always running from Now -constantly living in the future or the past, rarely here in the present moment?  The gifts can only present themselves to us when we are present, here. Now. Not later, not when. Not if, not then. Only Now. I am seeing this. I have seen this before and today, now I am seeing it again. Meeting a new layer, a subtler layer of this. I see that I am so programmed to avoid the moment that is at hand, I am rarely here. Instead, I am constantly thinking about what I will do and what needs to get done or what I have done or haven’t done. Yes, I am rarely here.

And, if we are co-creating life, if we are participating in life and meeting life as it presents itself to us, and we are not here to receive its offerings, then we are in a sense, missing out. Not missing out like we have made a mistake (because you know how I feel about this word), it’s just that we are so conditioned to not live in the moment, we are allowing them to pass us by.

Life happens through us. My life happens through me and your life happens through you. If I was not here, no life would flow through me. We, as the Grateful Dead so beautifully convey, are the eyes of the world. What we see, what we perceive, what we experience is a direct result of us being us. Of me being me. Of you being you. No me, no life. No you, no life. We interact with life, we meet life in our current understandings, as our current views, through our conscious state. If we feel that we are a hero, that is what we find. If we feel we have been wronged, that is all we see. If we are in joy, everything feels light and free. If we are in sorrow and suffering, everything feels heavy and dark. For me anyway, for life can only be the way we are- this I know.

If we find ourselves constantly going, moving from one thing to the next, doing, doing, doing, then how are we engaging with life? How are we meeting life? I really ponder this, because for so long I would go and do, busily occupying my life with activities and shoulds, rarely sitting and being. This choice was a choice, a choice that I see now was a diversion tactic, one to avoid myself. Yes, I would avoid being with myself. I would do anything to circumvent having to sit with myself- tv, food, drinks, friends, sleeping, scrolling, writing, reading, cleaning, worrying, fretting, planning, controlling - ANYTHING that would prevent me from having to BE with myself. I was so scared to be with myself. What did that even mean, be with me?

In honesty, I used to have someone tell me I was lazy when I finally did sit down and “not do,” so that didn’t bode well for my attempts to undo, to relax, to stop the frantic pressure of constantly being on the go. I used to laugh when I would get on the table to get my eyebrows waxed, that was the only time in the day (month) that I would be still. Even at night my mind would race, taking me in so many different directions, diverting my attention and focus. It was exhausting. No wonder why I was so tired, run down and depleted. This was happening top of everything else I was doing- taking care of others (when they never asked me to, it simply felt like my responsibility), worrying about what others thought of me, seeking control over everything so I did not have to encounter any surprises in life that would throw me off. Not to mention the day to day activities of living- shopping, preparing, cooking, cleaning, working, talking, interacting, navigating….. Whew, I am tired thinking of it.

So today, when I opened my eyes to greet the new day, the day that was unfolding and presenting itself to me, I thought- I have no thing to do, no where to go, no obligations to myself or anyone else. As this awareness was with me, I found my mind wanting to fill this empty space. It is so quick to fill in the blanks-  well first I will do a journey, then I will eat and then I can hang up my flyers. I will be sure to write and I choose a recipe to cook something special for dinner…. And then I caught myself- I caught my mind and boy does it run fast- it saw this empty space of possibilities and filled it right up, my day which was open became packed with things to do.

And here is the practice- this is the practice of undoing and meeting. Being. Being in the space and allowing it to meet you, swirl around you and move you in the way you want to move- not the way you think you should, rather co-create, be present with what is coming, arising and meeting it here, in the moment.

This is the practice.

I meet it here.

S.

This is a timeless movie. It speaks to me every time. Grateful to our local community for hosting this outside viewing, among the loving gaze of the stars, Chandra Ma and Shani Dev.

The Full Moon and Shani Dev - Saturn are visible here…. Look at their radiance, their love!

Full Moon In Capricorn with Shani Dev and the Sun in Cancer

I woke this morning, walked over to my desk, sat and began writing. It’s a full moon in Capricorn and a lot of stuff that has been lurking below the surface has risen. I have been envisioning a crocodile in a swamp, slowly lifting its head, revealing its eye and nostrils, reminding me what is here to be seen if I choose to face it.  In Jyotish, Capricorn is Makara, represented by a crocodile or a goat with a beard like a zen master.

The crocodile comes from the prehistoric era and this sign, Capricorn is associated with the oldest planet Saturn. Oh, beloved Shani Dev. The crocodile can be feared for its bite, its power. It also represents capacity, what it has the tenacity for. It is a hard working sign, it goes all the way without tiring because it knows how to regulate and conserve its energy - aware of where it is putting its energy and how much it is spending. It is an earthy sign, grounded, not easy to shake.

It can also be confused, for crocodiles sleep out of the water. It spends it day in the water and sleeps on land at night- which can represent being emotionally confused at times, having an identity crisis. It can feel challenged to identify itself.

Embedded within it, this sign has a great impulse, desire to discover itself, longing for something to elevate it, inspire it. When Makara keeps going, pushing through, the goat has the capacity to become a unicorn. It has immense commitment to itself and its work- it represents hard work, staying power and the commitment to showing up. And it does this without drawing any attention to itself- like a crocodile in the water. It can be there and you may not even notice.

I have taken notice. I see the swamp that is resides in. I see the lower tendencies that it are drawing me towards- these feelings of being stuck, held in these patterns of self-negation and doubt. I also know that these same murky waters is the environment where the lotus thrives, where she rises up through the water and blossoms, revealing her beauty and fragrance.  I am aware of this. I know this.

I find it fascinating that the moon is full, because she is receiving the light, fully receiving the light of the sun who is placed in the constellation Cancer.  Yes, yes, Cancer, represented by the crab who is an adaptable creature, who adjusts and changes its habits to fit in the environment. The crab, with its hard shell and soft insides, this sensitive creature who resides on the bottom of its watery environment, gathering up all that it can get its claws on to. Yes, the crab that accumulates and collects, that holds on and doesn’t want to let go. The claws that have a tight grip, a tendency to hold on that shows their commitment is not shakable.  Who resides in water, which is life giving and life sustaining, representing fertility, growth, expansion, nurturing, nourishing and healing.

Seems fitting that I was called to sit and write today, on this day when the full moon is here with the energies and gazes of Capricorn, Cancer, the Moon, the Sun, and Saturn- Beloved Shani Dev upon me, swirling around me. If you read the previous posts, it is all here, it has been coming to the surface for some time now. Hold. Bite. Grip. Dependable. Unshakable commitment. Transcend. Confused. Sensitive. Capacity. Tenacity. Steadfastness. Adaptable. Expansion. Growth. Healing. Nourishing. Nurturing.

Inviting me to soften, to loosen my grip, my tendency to hold on, to control. The seeking, the looking, the wanting. Inviting me to open up, to nourish myself, to heal, to nurture. To step beyond the patterns of the lower mind, the ever repeating known and meet the abundance that is here. To step into my power. This supreme act of devotion, of surrender, of trust.

Inviting you to join me,

Sara

This is the full moon in Scorpio at dawn, the day after the lunar eclipse in May. Doesn’t she look like the sun?

Be. Loving.

You know what I realized when I emerged from the depths the other day? I was tired and I was grateful to slow down, listen to by body and turn inward.  I feel drained and taking care of myself is something that is important to me. I have tendency to ignore my needs and to override them by thinking, feeling I should do something different that I rarely listen to my body. This is a deep groove, a well worn path that I am able to peer my head over the top and see the expansive world that lies beyond, if only I allow myself to see.

To see.

Ah, to see.

You know what else I realized, the universe is so giving, so loving, so accommodating, so adaptive that you can find WHATEVER you are looking for!  Whatever it is that you seek, you will find. If I want to be a hero, I will find ways to celebrate myself. If I want to be a victim, I will find all of the ways I have been wronged. 

I see this while reading. I can read a paragraph and pull out only the phrase or line that reinforces my current stance, the words that align with my consciousness state. I can find anything that I am looking for. I can do this with people too, I can talk to people until they tell me what I want to hear, what I want them to say or I can dismiss what they are saying to me, and ignore their words because it doesn’t feel good, doesn’t match where I am or what I seek.

This conforming is something that is arising.  For so long, rather that adapt, I conformed. I allowed aspects of me to die, to get closed off, to be hidden away from me and away from others. I shielded myself to fit in, to belong, to be seen, to not stand out, to not be seen, to shy away.

I read these words from Brene Brown’s Gifts of Imperfection:

Sacrificing who we are for the sake of what other people think just isn’t worth it…. In the end, being true to ourselves is the best gift we can give the people we love.

In the margin, I’ve written this in pencil:

-why I have been struggling

Agh, these words of wisdom written years ago… Yes, Sara, this is one way you struggle. Not being true to you and feeling the need, obligation, the should to be a certain way, a different way, someone, anyone other than you.  Somewhere, some how I have picked up this story that me being me isn’t good, that I am mistake, that the choices I make continue to be bad and that I cannot be trusted.

Oh, yes, the power of free flowing, words being typed and flowing from my heart…. That I cannot be trusted. That I cannot be trusted. Which also seeps into me not being able to trust myself, my choices and my decisions. Let’s be with this for a moment.

I am at a place and time in my life where everything is possible. It’s not that everything isn’t possible or wasn’t possible before, it’s just that now, I am seeing that I have the possibility to go anywhere and do anything. There are moments when I feel free with this open expansion and there are moments when I am paralyzed by fear. This fear, as this free flowing written entry is helping me face, is driven by getting it wrong and making a mistake. As if I am supposed to do something, be someone, go somewhere….

There is a piece of me that feels this is true. I have not shared much about my experiences with Jyotish, Yoga and conversations that I have had with guides and this one time keeps popping into my mind.  I had someone say to me, “But you were supposed to move there.” To place this phrase in context, there was a moment when I was living in my cabin on the edge of the wilderness and I had an opportunity to move into town and I didn’t. These were the words that were shared with me and I have not let them go.

I carry them around and place them within the context of Free Will and Predeterminism.  Ah yes, the concepts of Free Will and Predeterminism. I have listened to my teacher speak on these values in lectures, teachings and satsangs.  They co-exist, they are not opposing values. There is not some person, being, entity sitting in a chair watching over me, judging my every move. As Katrina pointed out to me the other day, that person is me. I am my own judge. And you can see here, and in the previous posts, this pull, this tug, this struggle that I endure is real.

I think. I think a lot. I reflect. I contemplate. I ponder. I consider these qualities a gift. I also accept them as obstacles. An obstacle to my growth.  I am in my own way.  My over analytical mind is constantly going, taking me in all of these different directions.  It lives on fear, fear inducing strategies to keep me in the same holding patterns…

I ask myself:

How do I get out of my own way?

What is getting in the way?

Okay, lets answer this.

Here is a conversation between my head and my heart:

What is getting in the way?

I am getting in my own way.

How am I getting in my own way?

By over analyzing, over thinking, over doing. Doing rather than being. Holding on to stories, narratives, feelings, projections, assumptions or how things should or are supposed to be. It is all encompassing, all-consuming this place. This place is paralyzing. It limits me in taking a step. What step should I take, what is the right step? What I am supposed to do? It is thick. Sticky. It is residue that holds, binds, traps, engulfs- swallowing me whole. 

What is this residue?

Fear. Fear of making a mistake, of getting it wrong.

Why do you feel you are going to make a mistake, get it wrong?

Because there have been moments in my life where I have made choices that have led me to places that, when I look back, I think, how did I allow that to happen? Why did I stay in that for so long? How did I endure that? Why didn’t I love myself enough?

Okay, so that happened. And.

And I am fearful that I cannot trust myself to not repeat those patterns, so it is easier to stay here, in the ever repeating same, known to protect myself.

Is that really what you want? Is that really how it is?

No, no, I do not like the ever repeating known. I do not like the same swirling. That is what I am in now, and I am tired of it. New things, new aspects arise from these same patterns and present themselves and I am grateful for this and I want new, something different.

What is the new different that you want? What is it that you seek?

Peace.

Ah, peace.

Yes, inner peace, a still mind. I am tired of this tug, this pull. This inner battle, this back and forth. I use my techniques. I get on my mat, on my cushion. I sit for practice, for sadhana. I utilize the tools so generously shared with me and I am still here. Still, meaning I feel like I should be beyond this already.

Ah yes, that you should be somewhere else, anywhere other than here.

Yes and no, I see that I have grown. I see that I have made changes. I see that I see. How I am aware of my patterns and tendencies. I see this. I am grateful. I also know that I am seeing this and in seeing this I am growing. That there is no place to go to, no place to arrive to, no end goal. All is constantly unfolding, revealing, unfurling and showing. Meeting me where I am and providing me opportunities to grow.

Okay, so….

So, I feel, I think that I should be doing something else

Is that really true?

A piece of it is. The conditioned part of me feels this. The part of me that focuses on those outside of me, their opinions, thoughts, projections and judgements. Another piece is that I do trust, I trust that when the moment is upon me to move I will. I take action. I am not sitting idle. I am participating in life. I am responding. I am doing. I am being. I am healing. I am meeting myself, meeting my whole self, the self that I have stuffed away, the self that I have been hiding from myself and others. I am allowing myself to be. I am exploring what it means to be me. What I enjoy. When I feel full. When I feel depleted. When I want to share. What I want to share. What I want to do. And I have the space to do this, to be with myself in this way.

Yes, you do. It is beautiful. So why are you rushing it?

I see that there are parts of me that are rushing, wanting to rush this time, this healing time, this time of growth. Parts that want it to be over because it hurts. It is painful. I feel that I have endured enough already. And I have. I also know that I endured this pain and hurt for so long, that it takes time to undo.

Yes, this undoing, unraveling requires time and commitment and that is what you are doing. Showing up and being committed to you, your growth and your healing. What will come is already on your way to you. It is already flowing to you Sara, everything in its time. Allow it to flow, in its own time. Not your preconceived notion of time.  Allow Beloved. Simply Allow. Soften in and allow. There is no wrong. You cannot get this wrong. You are not wrong. You being here is not a mistake. You are powerful beyond the capacity of your mind. Step out of the way. Surrender. Trust and allow.

Soften into this grace that is here. That is holding you. That is loving you.

For you are love itself.

Beloved.

Be. Loved.

Be held in the grace that is always here.

As I typed these last words, the final notes in the song The Father’s Heart by Tony Anderson played.

Yes, belonging. This longing to belong. This longing to be.

It is right here, accessible inside this breath.

It is so accessible I can touch it; I can be it.

Be loving.

To yourself and to others.

Hari Om,

S

PS. Another Post Script, writing what has come to me after I posted this…. I acknowledge that I have been hung up on the words “but you were supposed to move,” the words that someone else said to me, which I see as an invitation to trust myself. To turn inward and intuitively trust rather than seeking feedback, guidance and direction from another.

Choices, Judgements and Mistakes

The notion of forgiving myself continues to arise…it comes from this place of making mistakes and making mistakes because the ego wants to control or feel validated or right. I used to find others judging me, now I find myself judging myself. If you do not know this for yourself - I will share, it is exhausting. Draining. This constant pull of the mind. This back and forth between is this right, is this wrong? Is this good, is this bad? Did I make the right choice? Did I do what I was supposed to do?

This whole idea of judgement is built on a foundation of value. What do we place value on? Once we see what we value, then we are able to see through that lens the space where our judgments arise from.

When I find feelings of wanting to be validated, seen and/or recognized start to bubble up I know something is underneath it, trying to get my attention.

People make mistakes. I used to hold this thought to be true- because I too, make mistakes. Making mistakes is part of learning. Looking back, I am grateful when I make a mistake, all of the mistakes I have made because they are opportunities for me to learn, opportunities for me to grow. Recently, I have been asking myself, so then are they mistakes, as I have been told they are or rather, are they opportunities to grow? If they are opportunities for me to grow, which is what I choose to tell myself, even when the feeling of I made a mistake is there, then I need to be a little more kind to myself, a little more forgiving of myself.

You know what else is arising, the difference between making mistakes and doing something wrong. Huge. Doing something wrong is, has someone placing judgement, not being about to do something in someone’s eyes. Ready for this?  So does the using the word mistake. Embedded within the word mistake is the notion that we missed an opportunity to take, to do something. Mis, as a prefix means- not correct, lack, ill, wrong. So then, the word mistake actually has judgement within it. It implies that there was something that we aught to do, were meant to do, supposed to do and didn’t.

Mistakes and judgements. Wow. And this is how I have lived my life for so long. Living my life under the guise of mistakes and judgments. Not being able to live up to someone’s perception, someone’s projection, vision or view of me and feeling that my very existence, me being me is wrong. That the actions that I take, the choices that I make are bad.  This is so deeply engrained in me, that I am seeing that it is not only how others view me, it is how I view myself. This is how I view myself and I have the self -violent, self-hatred thoughts and dialogue present to remind me.

Intellectually, I know this is not how the world works. Cognitively, I know it is not how the universe is arranged. This view of wrong and judgment is not how Divine Mother created. I know this from experience of meeting myself, my true self. The Self that is beyond the mind, before the grip of ego. I know from experience being there, touching that, in that space there is no judgement only love. It’s just that I’ve lived in such a place of feeling ashamed and feeling that I have done something wrong and that I wasn’t worthy- for so long -for so long - for so long that it has become a way of being. Now that I am aware and wanting to step away, I feel the pull even stronger. The pull of this divisive mind- the one that knows that I am not bad, that I am love itself, that I can do no wrong, that I cannot make any mistake because there is no way that anything is supposed to be. No perfect way for it all to be. That there is, and always is, is an opportunity to learn. An opportunity to grow. An opportunity to evolve and move beyond the ever repeating known, the patterns that hold us stagnant and the same.

All of this is arising, bubbling up. I have felt it swirling and swirling around me, making its presence known and then today more bubbled up as it always does. I felt surprised, caught off guard. I was happily going along and then WHAM, just like that I get knocked, hit in the face, the floor collapsing below me and I began falling down, falling down into the depths. At tailspin speed. I’ve been here before, in the depths. I know when they come and summon me, but today, today?

See I have been playing with this notion of making choices and choosing what is best (already in using this word I am judging – it is that deeply engrained in me, glad I have the awareness to catch it and so tired that it is here)… I have been playing with the notion of choosing me and listening to my body and it has not been easy. Not been easy simply because I am so accustomed to listening to everyone else and ignoring my own body and putting everyone else before me.  I’m in this place of exploration, because it is new for me. It is nearly new in my lifetime to put me first, to listen to my body and honor what it needs. And yesterday, I listened to my body or at least what I thought my body needed and rested. I laid down and rested.

And today, I am second guessing my choice to rest. My choice to rest and not go to a concert that I wanted to go to. Or a concert that I had a desire to go to? Or a concert that I told myself I could go to?  A concert that was within reach and close, but for a moment felt far and distant. An opportunity to go and have fun and access that which I love- live music, sand, ocean and friends. A concert in which they played a song that I love. And I wasn’t there. The choice I made has me confused.  Was I making, oh, here it is again (so engrained) – was I making the right choice, was I making the right choice to rest, to listen to my body and give it rest or was I falling into an old pattern of giving in, of not taking care of myself energetically so that I became drained?  Was I drained or was that a familiar play of the mind? I cannot even keep up; it is confusing and tiring being here in this place.

This is my sos text to Katrina, I was swirling down at lightening speed. She held space for me as I vented, cried, shared myself fully!

Here is glimpse: Was I supposed to fight the old story of being tired and drained and push through by getting into the car and driving to the concert? Was I supposed to rest and let my body heal? Was I really tired? Was I really content with the other shows that I saw or did I want more? Was I seeking? If I was seeking, what was I seeking? What was I wanting? Was I playing safe, small? Was I repressing desire? Was fear a driver here? Was I repeating the ever repeating known of telling myself I do not deserve to have fun? That familiar story of being irresponsible? If I went, would they have played this song? Or was it only played because I was not there? What is underneath this… what is here? Why is this here? What am I meant to see? What wants to come to the surface to be seen? Why is it that this is only arising now, when last night I was content, fully confident and okay with my choice?

Are you confused trying to follow the back and forth of my mind? I am. I am tired by this constant pull of the mind. I am unsure about what I am to do, how to act, what choice to make that all I want to do is turn inward and not have to do anything (here is another thread, the feeling of having- being obligated to do).

Do you get what I am saying, do you feel this pull, this back and forth that sometimes feels like a yank to and fro? If you do, I am with you. You are not alone.  

Maybe you are thinking, why is she making such a big deal about something so little? That might be your viewpoint. For me, I see this as an entry point to something much bigger. This event, this moment, this opportunity is actually an access point. It is showing me that something is here, something that wants to be addressed, seen, highlighted to be deleted. This something is connected to other things, this is deep. Its reach is vast and wide, all encompassing. All of this is connected, like a huge tangled ball.

Do you know that phrase, damned if you do, damned if you don’t? I feel that like. I feel like I cannot win. Not that I want to win, but there is a piece of me that feels like I want to get it right, right in the sense of enough already, when am I going to catch a break, what more am I supposed to do. Right in the sense that I feel like I am getting it wrong. Making the wrong choices. That my choice to not go is being punished by the universe by playing my song that I long to hear live. It is tiring being me. I am tired of being me.

And that the same time I am being cracked open, tears are flowing and emotion is moving. A release is happening and it hurts.  I know it is of no use kicking myself when I am down. I know that I can access love and grace and stillness. I know that there is no judgement, that judgement exists only on the level of the mind. And yet, this is where I am. I am accepting this. This current moment, these feelings that are arising and moving through me. Is real. Real to me.

As you can see, there are levels in me that make sense. I know that the grasp, that this is, only the pull of the mind. There are also levels in me that are so gripped by this dynamic of being punished and rewarded that causes me to feel stuck in making decisions. What to do?

All I want to do is turn inward and live there. Live inside, by myself without having to make choices or interact with anyone or life. It feels like too much to interact and make choices because of the pull of the mind, the story of the conditioned mind.

And, I remember this is why I am here. To learn. To grow. To evolve.

With this, I choose to continue.

I breathe.

I step.

I move.

I forgive.

What else can I do? For what is done is done. No need to dwell on the past. No need to focus on the future.

This is an opportunity for me to learn, to drop judgement and the idea that I made a mistake.

All we need to do is be here, now.

Now.

Now.

Now.

In the ever unfolding of now.

S

P.S. The day after….

You know, I am not immune to what other people think of me. As I reflect on the moments that lead me to decide that I was not going to get into the car and drive to the concert, I acknowledge that fear was there. Fear of being blamed and shamed, being seen as irresponsible. At 44, I stepped into child mode and slinked away out of fear of being shamed and blamed, viewed with the critical eyes of judgement and didn’t do something that my heart wanted to do.

There is also a part of me that was tired, really exhausted and drained. That part is true too. The was a part of me that gave myself permission to rest, to stop and be.  I was okay with that.

It was only after, after the moment when I was at ease with my decision, when I learned new information that sent me into a tailspin. That uprooted me and had me swirling in the storm of self- doubt and confusion. And the only one responsible for any of this is me.

Me.

I take responsibility for this range of emotions, for these feelings, for these thoughts. I accept them, for they are real and they are here. Presenting themselves in a way that is loud and pronounced, in a way that gripped me, in a way I cannot ignore.

This is the threshold; this is the space where change happens. Where patterns are seen. Where the opportunity to drop what I have been carrying, the façade, the pretending, the living for someone else can be released.  Which leads me to this- whose life am living? A life for others or a life for me? It is here, on this threshold which I stand, where I ask this question. Do I want to continue to live my life for the approval of others or do want to live this life for me?

If it is to be, it is up to me. And while I know I cannot do it alone; I know that I trust myself as I take each step. Each step, bringing me closer and closer home to myself.

And this is the message that greets me today. Yup, I am exactly where I am meant to be.

The Purpose of Life

A thread of my life has revealed itself to me. I know I have become aware of it before, this is not new, yet now it is really here. Again and I am no longer able to ignore it, it is here, making its presence known. Loudly! Across contexts and experiences! Here for me to see!

Throughout my yogic studies, I have heard the teaching, “the purpose of life is to celebrate and liberate.” Celebrate. Liberate. These words resonate with me as I long to live a life, one in which I celebrate and feel free.  What I am noticing, is that somewhere along the way, I have picked up the notion that to celebrate and be free is irresponsible and bad. I have a deep rooted notion that having fun is careless behavior.  I know. I know. It is hard to type, even harder to read. Yet so important to address, to acknowledge, to let it come to the surface and be known.

As I read through my journal entries, I see a similar question posed, “Why do I not allow myself to have fun?” “Why am I so serious?” “Why can’t I let go and enjoy?”

These are real questions that I have asked myself over the years. These are real questions that I find myself exploring now. 

Why do I not allow myself to have fun?  I can think of many experiences in which I had fun or was having fun and then after, I have been punished, shunned, ignored, reprimanded even shamed. These experiences over time have led to a scarring of sorts, one in which I am fearful of ‘letting loose,’ ‘having fun,’ ‘experiencing joy, delight and pleasure’ because I tell myself that someone is going to have something to say about it or worse, that I am going to be punished for it. Actually, I am not sure which is worse. They both feel really icky.

Were you raised like this? This notion of cause and effect, if this happens- then that will happen?  This fear based notion that keeps us from living fully?  Don’t have too much fun, something bad is going to come of it. When you enjoy yourself, you are putting yourself at risk- risk of hurt, pain, trouble, someone else’s opinion of you.

I am seeing this so clearly now. I have gone through life, I have been living life in fear of having fun, letting loose, enjoying myself because someone might judge me, have an opinion of me, may deem my choice as bad.  As I have said, these fears are rooted in real experiences, as that which I fear has been reinforced, engrained in me over and over and over again.  Now that I see this, I am aware and it requires ALL of my attention to switch the negative thought pattern, to reestablish paths in my mind- to set things straight- it is okay to have fun. It is more that okay to have fun. Actually, it is more than okay to have fun. These patterns are so engrained that the feelings come quick, they sneak up on me- like the cloak over my head and I am swirled up in shame, blame, self- judgement and self-doubt. It requires immense attention and a focused intention to shift this pattern in the moment. It also requires forgiveness. Yes, forgiveness.

Acknowledge. Accept. Forgive.

A few weeks back I was reading a magazine and learned that the Black Crows were playing on the Summer Stage at the Stone Pony.  Crows have been speaking to me and I thought, why not. GO. This would be a very spontaneous event for me and a huge step- to go to a concert by myself. By myself. So, as my heart raced (which I am learning is a signal to say yes, do this- step out of your comfort zone, live rather than be stuck in fear and sucked into worry and doubt) I purchased the ticket.

I arrived at the venue and did some self-talk- you have been to a concert before, it is okay to be here alone, you have done things alone before. I caught myself feeling self-conscious, worried and scared as I walked on the boardwalk before the show. What is this, I asked myself, you have traveled in the world alone and you are fearful, here, now.  What arose was- what will folks think of me… as soon as I caught that thought I smiled. Yes, yes, this is connected to the other thread- living and making decisions based on what other people think of me. Right, I thought, it is all connected, all of this is connected.

As I made my way through the crowd, I reminded myself that I am taking big steps. Each small step is actually a huge step.  As the opening band ended, they began to clear the stage and set it for the Black Crows. I stood. I watched. What I saw had me in awe, absolute awe. One of the stage crew was carrying Nataraj- a murti of the dancing form of Shiva. Yes, yes, yes. For this alone I am meant to be here. For me to see this, this is why I came. Nataraj- the dancing form of Shiva, who dances on the demon/ignorance surrounded by a ring of fire in the burning grounds. Yes. Yes. Yes.  Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. I cannot make this up!

I made my way to that side of the stage in awe. Nataraj, who symbolizes the choice to live this life as a dance rather than a burden. What an incredible offering to receive, as I showed up to a concert all by myself. Choosing to live. To enjoy. To dance. To sing. To celebrate. To have fun. To experience pleasure. To experience delight. To feel free. To be free. To actually be free from constraints of my mind, thoughts that I think others may or may not have of me. What does it matter? Really though, what does it matter? 

This is what I am softening into to, this notion that for so long I have lived my life according to what others think I should do, how my life should be, accepting judgements and shame for the choices that I make. 

I am not bad.

I am not wrong.

I am not irresponsible.

Me being me is not bad.

Me being me is not wrong.

Me being me is not being irresponsible.

I am not being punished by some invisible person sitting in a chair in the clouds watching my every move, making a tick on a list when, according to some one, some system or some organization I have done something good or bad.

Good or bad according to who? Whose standards have I been focused on? Whose way of life have I been living or trying to live up to? See this is the thing - when we live our lives for someone outside of ourselves, we will always be let down and always let someone down because we cannot live to someone else’s standard or expectation- it’s not possible. Someone will always have an opinion, judge, have some sort of view or comment about what we do.

What we can do is rise, step aside and as a witness observe these behaviors as they are happening or reflect after, to that see that this not ours and not let it impact us. I am seeing, again, another layer revealed to not let others interfere with my being. My, when I pause to think about how much energy I have diverted and given to try to live up to someone else’s view of me, to fit into to a mold of how they want me to be, to live… wow. This is something that I do, less frequently now, but did all of the time. I was exhausted. Spent. Drained. Tired. Until I became aware. Now that I am aware, I have a choice. I can choose if I want to respond when someone says something to try to shame me or place blame on me. I can choose if I want to wear their opinion like a comfy sweater, familiar and known, or I can say no thank you. No thank you, your opinion, your view, your judgement of me is not aligned with who I am, how I perceive myself and what I know to be true to me. No thank you, this is yours, not mine and I am returing it to the sender, the originator of the thought, opinion- giving it back to you. I am no longer taking off- loads and others stuff. I am done with that.

The more and more I get to know me, the more and more I am able to stand firm and not allow the events of life impact me and throw me off course. The more and more I access the truth of who I am, the more connected and confident I am in me, in knowing that life is happening for me - actually happening through me and each action, each interaction, each choice is an opportunity for me to learn and grown.

A big step. A small step.  A huge step.

A step at a time.

That is what we do, take one step. One step at a time.

Step. Step. Step.

Love you,

S

After the show, I walked on the sand, touched the ocean and turned around to see the moon. I took myself to the boardwalk and enjoyed a strawberry ice cream cone- all by myself. Pure Bliss. This is the life I live, this is the life I love. Be in JOY!