The Greatest Gift is Also an Obstacle

I have heard this in the teachings, this phrase has come to me in time. I have even repeated it, shared it with others and passed it along.  I had an understanding of this teaching and today, this morning in my practice, it revealed a new layer of meaning to me. I accessed it in a deeper way.

I have often asked myself, Why do I care?  Why do I care so much? Why do I care so much that it hurts?  It occurred to me, that if I switch out the word care with love, it presents a whole new opportunity to see.

Why do I love?

Why do I love so much?

Why do I love so much it hurts?

Simply swapping out the words care and love offers me a grace, a space to see, to discover, to grasp the energy that drives me.

I love.

I love so much.

I love deeply.

This I know to be true.

I also know that I trust. I am trusting of others.  I trust others right from the start. I am so trusting of others. I trust that no one will do me harm, no one will seek out an opportunity to hurt me. I trust others. I trust them when they speak, I honor their word.  When I meet someone, I give them my total trust. I am open and honest and expect that others are too. I do not think that anyone is out to get me, to deceive me, to lie to me or to play a trick on me. I am trusting.

I am loving.  I am trusting.

I also have a brain, one that I use. I have a mind that thinks, that reflects, that contemplates, that wonders. One that is curious, one that attempts to make meaning, to understand the world around me. This very mind also uses me. It takes me to the depths of worry and self doubt, it conjures up stories, willingly taking on narratives that others have of me and making them mine, part of my identity- part of the view I have of myself. I begin to see myself through the lens of others rather than staying true to me.

Here, when this happens I get pulled into illusion. This delusion where I fumble around trying to discern what is real. It is a huge game, a huge mind fuck. One where I have said numerous times, I do not want this brain. I want a new mind. I no longer want to carry this around.

It is the pull of the mind that has me intrigued. This ego mind. This pull of ego, this desire of ego.

Why do I care?

Why do I seek answers?

Why do I want to know?

What is behind it all?

What is at the root of this longing?

And as I ponder all of this, everything that I have typed here happens in my mind at full speed, I can hold all of this at once and it happens quickly… so as this entered into my mind this morning during my practice, a practice that involved focusing on my breath and slowing it down, balancing the right and left sides of my body, the left and right sides of my brain and bringing them into harmony it was these words that appeared:

Your Greatest Gifts, are Your Biggest Obstacles

Isn’t that so.

Wow.

I had not had this awareness before, or if I did I was fleeting and did not last, it came and went. Like someone telling your something and thinking you would remember it.

It came and went. I did not learn it. Maybe a piece of it, an aspect, a part. To me, no, that is not how learning works. I do not hear something once and remember it. It does not embed itself into the fabric of my being, the very essence of me. What I am discovering is that I learn something and then learn it again and again and again. Each time it is as if it is the first. This discovery, this meaning, this dawning, this AH AHA!

This moment during my morning practice presented another opportunity to me to see, for me to learn, for me to discover.

I love.                          I trust.                         I have a mind.

It is the combination of these three gifts that are incredible, that make me, me.

It is the very combination of these three obstacles that challenge me to see, me, all of me.

I care. I love.

It is beautiful to care. It is unique to love. These are two qualities that make me and I cherish them. I would not trade caring or loving, regardless of the immense pain and hurt I have experienced by embracing the two. I have to type that again to really read and see my words- I would not trade caring or loving, irrespective of the immense pain and hurt I have endured by welcoming these two qualities in my life. They are ways of being. I truly cannot, because I have tried, not care or not love. I do not how to do make that possible. I do not know how to not love. It is impossible for me to not love. To not be invested. To not care. This is something I do not know how to do. I have tried and it is not possible. I see now it is not possible, because the very essence of me is love. And to deny this would be to deny myself.

This poses a challenge because there are many folks who fear love, who are opposed to love, who reject love and resist its very essence. They build up walls and create shelters to protect themselves from hurt. I know this because I have done this very thing. I have shut folks out or off out of fear of being figured out, hurt, used or deceived.

Yes, deceived. Which brings me to another one of my gifts. My ability to trust. I trust whole heartedly and this trust has brought me face to face with those who lie. Those who shield and protect out of fear, avoid or off load responsibility saying it is not my place or I didn’t think I needed to say anything. I have even had folks not tell the truth because they wanted something and in being truthful they knew they could not get what they wanted. Yes, this being truthful has me seeing others as they turn to lies, being deceitful and carrying secrets.  It is icky.

And here is where the gift of having a mind comes in, it swirls and entangles itself with the loving and truthfulness and this combination creates a perfect storm of a mind fuck. Leaving me wondering what is real?  What is real here? What was real? What was the truth? What is the truth? Can I trust? It is worth loving? Why do I care?

See how I come full circle? It is exhausting. This pull of the mind, this dance of the mind, this desire of the mind to know, to make meaning, to make sense, to understand.

Ah, I am reminded of a post I wrote many moons again about my desire to understand- to under stand. To stand under someone. Similarly, to feel inferior, to feel in fear. In fear of someone who has power over, to stand under someone who is dominating.

Yes, yes, yes, I see. I see this clearly. When I want to understand, I am feeling inferior, giving away my power, turning my power and my strength over to someone, giving it up, giving it to someone to have, to hold. And it is in this place, from this place that I seek. I want. I desire.

Because, really, I know. I know. I know. All that I need to know is already within me, I simply need to stop, slow down, turn inwards and listen.

Rather than make sense or understand, I seek to discover. For I no longer want to be held in the grip of anyone and I know that the behavior of others and their choices are a reflection of them only, not me. Yes, I seek to uncover the truth that is always here, the love that is always here.

Everything that is necessary will always, ALWAYS be revealed. It always has and it always will.

For this I know.

I know this to be true.

Embracing these gifts that are obstacles. Obstacles for me to see me for who I am, for what I embody and stand for.

Love and truth.

So many opportunities come my way to remind me that I cannot control or take responsibility for anyone else except me and so this is what I do.

I am learning that I can love and the greatest act of love is to be truthful and honest to myself, for myself and to allow everyone to be on their own path, their own journey.

I love and tell the truth. To myself and to others. Even when it is hard.

I choose to live in and with this integrity. I do it for me, for no one else except me.

For this is where I meet myself. This is where I am myself.

 In love and in truth.

 Sara

This is the recording I made after the practice, the words that inspired this piece:

Until NOW

I was delighted and swirling with bliss and enthusiasm after I wrote that last piece. This pieces consists of two messages that I left for friends, celebrating the awareness that came as I wrote. Here they are transcribed:

First message:

The very words that you were speaking in your message to me, were the very words that I was typing at the same time. This idea of constriction, being bound and held. We also spoke about the octopus the other day and how at times the octopus can be holding on, giving its love, tasting you, holding you, not trying to hurt, rather it is curious and exploring you. There is this.

This is the first full day that I am not writing in my journal, giving myself space to condense if you will; pressing a pause, allowing all that is swirling to saturate.

And as I started typing I realized, oh my, I have been taking responsibility for other people’s stuff and thinking that I caused it. Thinking, that I alone, that something that I did or didn’t do, it feels like something that I have done that makes me deserving of their shit, their lies, because in some way I am bad or tarnished and them lying to me is what I get in return. NO, IT HAS NOTHNG TO DO WITH ME AT ALL, what they do is what they do, it has NOTHING to do with me at all, it is not my responsibility.

I hear Anand Ji saying, take radical responsibility for being you, every action. That is what I am doing. I am owning and accepting every action, every action. And it is hard. And it is glorious. And it is so freeing, to know myself in this way is so incredibly freeing and to know that I was willingly taking on other people’s shit that they were off loading on me.

When you hear this, this blame, this off-loading over and over again you become accustomed to it and you start to internalize it and think that it is true, or real or that you caused it That your very existence causes other people to treat you that way. This is a huge awareness that I am coming to or that I have come to, as I am sure there will be many more layers that will be revealed.

Here is another transcribed message:

Alright, you know I called you the other night and you didn’t answer which is totally fine because I would have not been able to hear what you had to say because I was in the thick of it. And yesterday you called and said call me. I did and you happened to have just the right amount of time for me to open up and for you to be able to share words with me that resonated so deeply.

So, I told myself I am not allowed to write in my journal. It is not a bad thing, but the last time I did not write for an extended period of time was in 2017, so I am giving myself an entire week to not write in my journal. I can type, but when I type it is more concise and when I journal it is more of a free flow.

So, I am typing. I told myself, type, because it feels like things are happening really, really fast while simultaneously things are unfolding in a slow way, it’s a both and. I started writing today and it became so clear to me, that for so, for my entire existence I have felt that my actions have caused someone else to be some way. And yesterday you spoke so clearly to me, you said, “No, you didn’t cause it.”  And I have heard this at Al-Alon, I have heard it before, I actually read it in my journals, I read it recently in my first journal. You didn’t cause it… as I was sitting there, writing, the clarity was dawning on me as I was writing, “Oh my, I have willingly taken responsibility for other people’s actions, people have off loaded their shit on me, because they do not want to deal with it themselves. Why are they passing their shit on me? Because they do not want to take responsibly for their shit, but that is the thing, people have consistently done this and I have so willingly been receptive to other people’s shit because I knew no other. I have been so conditioned to willingly and unknowingly take people’s shit.” It’s like I am a coat hook and people off load their stuff because it makes them feel icky so they put it on me. They think, “I feel really icky inside because what I wanted to happen didn’t and I don’t like this feeling so I am going to blame Sara.” And I would take it, until now.

So now, I am able to go back and really look with a different lens, in a different way, no this is not my shit. Which is related to a thread of something similar that I went through this winter, it is not my shit, not mine to take on so I am going to give it back to you, but this time it feels like there is a different layer, a new perspective.

Thank you. Thank you. If you cannot tell through this smile and my voice this enthusiasm, this awareness is huge, this clarity and awareness is huge. When it comes to people being honest with me or people having alliances, or feeling in fear- Oh wow, have you ever thought about that, inferiority, has the word fear in it, subordinate, inferior, because you are in fear of the other person. And I think that happens sometimes with alliances and secrets, what is so and so going to think of me if they find out…, the secretive what if and should.

So, I think to myself, if people are being honest or not with me, it does not really matter. What matters is that I acted and I asked. I acted because I care about myself enough, I love myself enough to speak up. And I asked. I asked. And I stay with that. With this and it is incredible.

as I walked back to my car after leaving these messages, I found this in the grass, right next to a garbage can. Yes, Yes, Yes, Shedding skin and throwing away that which is no longer needed, that which no longer serves.

Me. My Self and I

So much has been swirling these past few months it feels hard to keep track of.  It feels as if change is happening fast, swift, and I am feeling the after draft of it all.  No thing is bad, actually it is magnificent to witness, to live, to be in all of this, to be with this as it arrives in real time.

I have not given myself space to sit, to allow this all to land, to be integrated and that is what I am doing now.  I received an invitation in mediation to stop writing in my journal for a week. Yes, a whole week.  The last time that happened was back in 2017 when I took a month off from writing. At that time things were swirling fast as well.  I can only see that now, looking back.

It’s interesting isn’t it. We only connect the dots, make meaning, make sense of what has occurred, after it occurs. As it is unfolding, it is unfolding in the now and all there is, is the present moment. The mind sweeps in after and attempts to either make sense or what I am currently witnessing myself is that clarity comes and I can see clearly.  What I am experiencing though is not that I am in a fog or haze while life is happening, it is just happening quickly. There is a quickening that is occurring. While this may seem odd to read, it also feels as if things are moving very slowly, slowly in the sense that there is no rush to what is occurring. Rather it is coming in its time.

What I can say, for I know this to be true, is that the lessons that I am learning now have huge impacts and ripples. They are multi- layered, multi-tiered and it is quite clear to what is being addressed.

Standing my own ground. Trusting myself, my inner voice and guidance.

I have to say, this does not always make sense. Nor is it what I had planned or thought. What I am being asked to do at times feels so far out of my comfort zone - my familiar habits and patterns, which is why I know I need to do it, to take action, to break these trends and routines, these habitual ways of interacting with the world, events and people that swirl around me. In the past, I have had a strong tendency to move toward controlling outcomes and wanting to know everything. This desire to know is so strong. So strong. This pull of the mind to make sense, to categories, to make everything fit into neat compartments, categories, to grasp, to make meaning. To answer, why is this happening to me?

And there it is.

There is the root.

It is not happening to me.  It is happening for me.  All is happening for me.  When the pull of the mind comes, it yanks me back into the past, questioning and doubting what I have done. Yet, that only happens after. Only after something happens, do I feel the pull of the mind bringing me in to the past with a lens of doubt, shame, worry and fear.  Yes, this only comes after.

All I can do is be responsible for me. What I can do is take radical responsibility for me, my choices, my actions. I am not responsible for the actions of others.  I did not cause the actions of others. I did not cause the actions of others. I did not cause the actions of others.

What others have done or what others do, is a direct result of them.

What I am seeing now, so clearly, it is coming as a type, is that others have consistently placed blame on me for their actions. I have been their scapegoat. I have been the one whom they off load their shit on to. For so long, I have willingly stood there and allowed myself to take their shit, like a coat rack, taking layer upon layer, upon layer as they off load, peeling away responsibility and laying it on me.

Until now. Wow. I see this. I see how I have willingly and unknowingly taken responsible for other people’s shit. Feeling that I have somehow caused them to act.  I can hear their words in my mind, “you made me do this.”  “This is all your fault.”  “If you hadn’t ________, then this wouldn’t have happened.”

To be honest, that is how they feel, how they felt. That was their truth. And each layer they peeled off, I willing began to wear. Until now.

I woke up to greet this delightful surprise that bloomed over night!

Nope. No. I did not cause you to do this or that. I am not responsible for this or that. That is your responsibility. You are responsible for yourself and yourself only. I am not responsible for you. I am not responsible for you. I am not responsible for you.

I am no longer accepting responsibility for you.

No longer yielding and holding secrets. No longer sitting passive and silent.

No. No longer.

For I see this. I see this pattern and how it has been playing out, over and over and over again.

Different situations, different people. Same pattern.

I fall into the same trap each and every time. Or rather opportunities to see this are offered again and again and again. Of course, there are slight variations in how the experience shows up, but really what is happening is similar, - shining light on the trend, the habit, the conditioned ways that I have become accustomed to. Willingly taking responsibility, bearing the weight of your actions. Feeling as if it is my fault, as if it is me that caused this horribleness, this pain, this hurt. Feeling that I deserved it.

Taking your stained shit, your tarnished shit and hiding it, burying it away so you can feel good. So, you can feel lighter. So, you do not have to carry the blame. So you do not have to face yourself.

Until now, in this knowing, in this seeing I am free. I am light. Floating. No longer bound by your tethers, your shackles, your hooks, your words.

Yes, I once was bound. Yes, I once bought into your illusion- that your actions were my fault. That your lies, your unfaithfulness, the secrets that you keep are a result of me being me.

Guess what? 

They are a result of you being you.

I am facing my shit. I am taking responsibility for my shit. Radical responsible. Total Acceptance. It is not pretty. It is not easy. And yet is it freeing.

It is freeing to not be held by stories and narratives, the should and what ifs. Society’s rules of protecting and alliances.  That, my friends is all based in fear.

I know, because I was drawn into the fear-based narrative. This, the fear that grips, that grabs a hold. This fear that tightens your chest and creates a lump in your throat. This fear is the fog that surrounds, that envelopes and keeps you in the illusion, that the very secrets that you keep, the very alliances that you hold are protecting you.

I know because I have lived there. Lived there. Lived, meaning, no longer. I am no longer bound by the what ifs or the thoughts that you have of me.  They have no meaning. No value.

The only thing I value is myself. My truth. Me.

For this is the only thing that I have, that remains consistently with me. This is why I am here, to learn about me, to meet myself.

Thank you, for your very actions, your silence, what is said in the gaps and spaces between the words speak volumes. Yes. Volumes.

Thank you for propelling me, thrusting me forward at this fast rate. Thank you for the opportunity to meet myself, to take radical responsibility for myself and my actions, my choices and my words.

For I am the only one I have to answer to.

I am the only one whose opinion matters.

Everything else falls silent. All of the words, the stories, the justifications, the excuses they are all there for you only. For you only. Not for me.

I no longer need excuses. I no longer need to justify.

I no longer need to know.

I no longer need to know.

You have shown me that which I am interested in. That which I want to place my attention, where I want to spend my energy.

And it is on me.

Me. Myself and I.

Me. My Self. I.

Here it is, again....

I really can’t make this up. 

So, I am working on my book. I am going through each journal and reading them, starting at the very beginning.  As I read, I am marking, tagging lines and phrases, entries and reflections that strike me.  I have had a general idea of the process, the route I am taking and I am also remaining open to what wants to flow. 

You can see evidence of this written as the word Death? is written in red on the paper.  Do I want to explore the threads of death?  Below, later that day in a different pen, I wrote Look for self-approval.

This morning, I glanced my desk and saw these written words and laughed out loud. Read what is says:

Look for self- approval

What? No. No. No. No thank you this is not what I want. No way, looking for self approval is what I want to avoid, to transcend, to do no longer. No longer seeking the external validation, looking outside of my self for approval. If you read a previous post, you would know that this is really arising for me now. And I have an inkling that it is woven throughout the pages of my 84 journals.

Oh the power of words. If we are not aware, we can set intentions and bring that which we do not want directly to us…

My intention is not to look for self-approval, rather it is to notice, become aware of the threads and patterns that are written within the entries of my journals over the past 25 years that speak to looking to others for self approval.  That is what I meant when I wrote the note yesterday, to literally look for the word or reference to the idea while reading.  Then today as I read the note “Look for self-approval,” I laughed. Laughed at myself. Here it is. In that moment I was noticing that I was aware of its dominance in my life, how pronounced it is.

Look for self- approval. And it is not just “Look for self approval,” it is starred, indicating this is important. Marking, making it stand out. Attention is drawn to it. My eyes were drawn to it, as to say, DO NOT FORGET TO DO THIS. This is very important.

*Look for self approval

Oh my, how long have I been looking outside of myself to determine my self worth?  How long have I been looking outside of myself, to others for my worthiness?  How deep is the path I have forged in this seeking, this searching, this looking?

It is a practice to step back into time and read what I wrote.  It is a practice. One that I am strong enough to do, to handle. I am able to meet myself there, in that pain, hurt, confusion, sadness for I know I have endured. I know I have survived. I have continued on.

And I continue to do so.

With open arms, I embrace you in your fullness.

There is no one else for you to be.  Only you.

This is the journey, to come home to ourselves. To be at home in ourselves. To be at home within ourselves. To be home as ourselves.

When you know who you are, you are free.

When you know who you are, you are free.

When you know who you are, you are free.

Be free.

Love you.

Sara

this is what I wrote to clarify… there are power within words and the space between the words

Approval. Ah, Approval

I have not written in a while, there was a period of time when I did not have access to a computer… this piece was written in my journal and I am typing it here to be shared.

May 25th

Life really is what you make of it

You can have it go your way, against you, in your favor….

However you choose to look at it, events, moments, words

What you make of it from that perspective, that lens is how it is

How it becomes

Life is how you choose to see it

How you choose to engage with it

The state, gaze, perspective in which you meet it, receive it.

What you make it out to be

How you see it, store it in memory

Which is why it can shift, be altered, changed with new awareness

What if I held to my initial gut instincts? To turn way, to keep away

Then what, what would be offered? Intrigued by this.

What is real?

All of it

What is, what was, what could have been

Did I override or did I soften in to explore

Was I adaptable or fixed

I wasn’t fixed but what would it have been if I remained fixed

When to act?

When not to? – while all is action, choosing or not

It is, they are both choices

Closed or open

How do I know when

What are the signs, signals, messages

That is it- How do I trust myself?

This is what comes up?

Am I trustworthy?

Can I trust myself?

Yes, Sara, my goodness, to even ask this

You are so hard on yourself

You are fine, more than fine

You are living, choosing, learning, growing

There is no one way to be

Or a supposed to

These are internal questions

Was I supposed to do that, say that, take that action, choose that, go in that direction

Here is the play- the mind fuck

How do I know-

According to whose standards, whose judgements

Whose opinions

What am I seeking here

Approval

Oh… wow…needing approval

From whom

Of whom

Myself

Yes acceptance and self-approval

That I can sit comfortably with what arose

Transpired and be

Approval

The arrow I drew from Sundays’ ceremony

Shadow side

Approval

To be with this, to welcome this

It’s arrival…

With a hug,

Sara

Be With The Intensity of Life

This piece was written on May 6th in my journal, I am typing it to share it here with you.

We cannot plan, speak, choose to not speak, to do based on what we think might happen, what could happen.  How it will be received.

This is the resistance, the resistance is here in the thinking, planning, wanting, projecting, controlling, seeking- something outside of ourselves.

We don’t ___________ because ___________.

I don’t ______________ because __________.

It is this fear of what might that is so strong, such a strong pull. This rejection, this alienation.

Look deeper – what is at the root? What is below? What is attached, holding this- holding yourself back?

Why are you holding yourself back from speaking, acting, doing?

If all that you care about- if this is what you have studied and prepared for then why not speak? What will happen? What is the worst that will happen?

What someone says is not the way- not the way- not the only way.

It doesn’t have to be fair, right, wrong- your way or my way

It is what needs to happen-

What is necessary- without attachment, judgement, emotion, fear?

What is being called to action, to be awakened, enlivened, acted upon?

This is it- this- this is how not living in the moment restrains us, holds us back, limits us.

It is this, this is why we live in the now, because it is the how the universe responds- gives back. This is what we feed into the universal field of energy- that which we put out.

This is the invitation I am being called to see.

The restriction, anxiety, fear, holding, is caused not by acting now- not speaking our hearts desire. Because there are so many should, what if’s.

Commit. Choose and all other will fall into place, fall in line, come together.

This is it. Choose, now. We have the choice now. Choose now then the universe realigns and rearranges.

Speak that which you want, which you see clearly, which your heart calls for.

Say it, sing it, allow it out- to be expressed, heard

Your deepest longing- call, allow Mother to hear you.

The resistance is energy, blocked energy. There is so much energy, it feels tight, heavy, dense, it is known. If it is known, then in it is availability to be used to transform. It is available for us to tap into- to access for us to shift as the catalyst.

The anxiety is the sign that there is energy that is there that wants to move. Move it. Use it productively, in a wise way- toward evolution.

This is the subtleness of Mangal (Mars) - anxiety and passion are so close, so close, so close in feeling.  It is passion, this knowing and it wants to flow, flow freely, not be restricted by thoughts, constructs of the mind, money, boundaries.

The resistance is present to show how much energy is there, ready to move to help you shift, to change, to release.

Resistance is suffering, resistance causes suffering.  There is no quick fix. There is no magic. It is about the decision, what is needed in the moment. Act in this moment, act in the need of the hour. Adapt to the current need.

The match to the flame. Strike, friction is needed.

It’s about speaking up for what wants to be said.

Fully and Free.

Like hear me roar. I wanted, I thought I would edit, revise, move pieces around so it flowed.

And I noticed last night while S was reading the piece, I witnessed that the piece ungulates like my own journey, gaining momentum, energy, voice, strength to speak up, stand up.

I did.

Then, I’d fall into self-doubt, worry. I’d debate myself, question. These are the fluctuations.

Be with the intensity of life. Be with all of life. All of life, the highs, the lows, the plateaus, all of it. Be here. Present. Not running away or avoiding.

Sit with it, be in it.

Knowing it will pass and the anticipation, the thinking of how or what it will be is the hardest part.

Being with it all and encouraging you to do the same- what else is there to do?

Sara

Seeing Myself in Others and Others as Mysel

This piece was written in my journal and I am sharing it here now with you.

May 5th

So much of my practice is regulating the nervous system to be with the fluctuations and ebbs and flows. To be with all that is.

I have also grown to see, observe when I am playing out the ever repeating known over and over- reactivating, reawakening, re-enlivening the patterns, the views, stances- seeking the external validation.

I see it within myself now because I see it in others. I see myself in others. My old patterns, trends, ways, vocabulary, choices of words, stances, fixation, repeating, playing out.

This is seen.

I see this.

In awe,

Sara

Witnessed

A ceremony, like coming home

Unveiling, being revealed

Seen for the first time again

All of the energy and dedication, put towards growth over time

The colorless sap that rose from the earth, up the core

Through the stem,

The drive that kept nudging,

pushing through the resistance to ascend

To continue to rise up, to push up, to break through

enduring the external storms, the floods, the ice,

the crushing weight of a foot

Only to rise,

To continue to rise

Answering the call of nature

By accessing the earth, the backing from the earth

Her energy, flowing, continuously flowing

up, up, up

she ascends

Punching through the outer wall to take a new form

sprouting a leaf,

then a bud

Sending her energy towards this evolution, this change

Not knowing why

while trusting this is what is needed

What is necessary

What she is called to do

feeling the support of the earth, the fertile soil and grounds that hold

That nurture, that nourish

The winds that dance around her

The water that collects, pooling around her,

Soaking, absorbing

Receiving all that she can

Accessing this power, internal power

To maintain energy, the drive, the inner will to express herself fully

To share her essence, her fragrance, her beauty

Surprising herself with her intensity

That draws you in to take a look

To witness this blossoming, this opening

This courage to push beyond that which is known,

That which she knew

This divine expression that was set before she was even a seed

That came from the flowers before her, and before them

With the support of the bees,

the integrated, organized system of sustenance

That she contributes to

That she now gives back to

Adds to

by simply being

Her

As Within, So Without

Sometimes I find myself totally engulfed, tangled up in a web of shoulds, self-doubt, shame, obligation and worry. I continue to explore how to separate myself from these stories and thoughts that occur.

Sometimes I ask myself, who am I? Who is this that is having these thoughts? Is it me? Is it someone else? Who has these thoughts that come towards me, that arrive out of what feels like no where?

Sometimes I turn to mantra, shifting the focus of my attention from the story to a phrase that I repeat over and over again.

Sometimes I have compassion for myself, noticing that I am caught in the snare, reminding myself that this too, is an opportunity to grow.

And then my friend Corrine offered me the practice of envisioning the other person, whom I am feeling particularly connected to, as a complete stranger and asking myself the same questions I am asking myself about someone near and dear, the very someone I feel attached and obligated to. This very thought had me laughing out loud, full on cackling out loud.

Yes!  This is amazing. It is so easy and there is an absurdity to it, to speaking the stories out loud rather than keeping them in my mind and pairing this with the vision of a total stranger, with whom I have no connection with at all.

The questions of Do I? and Should I? disappear and clarity arrives.

Profound.

This is genius thinking. This simple offering has so many implications. It provides me the space to see with clarity, to not be clouded by stories or relationships of the past and brings me right here now.

As I said, I have been exploring this non-attachment for some time, finding ways to not feel obligated and responsible for others and take action from a place of inner knowing without wavering in the sea of shoulds.

When I see or pretend someone is a stranger, I do not have the emotional connection, emotional attachment or drama triangle connection - being a victim, hero or villain. It has nothing to do with the other person, it is all about forgiveness for myself because the other person is just being themselves.

It is that I am, either too emotionally invested, connected or intertwined with the story, pattern or dynamic that I feel I need to act or respond in a certain way to maintain consistency, normalcy, predictability the way it has flowed. That is what many people like. Folks, in my experience do not like to be pushed out of their comfort zone, in the same way that I do what I can to control environments, they do the same. And I have a tendency to do whatever I can to make others feel at ease and comfortable. I am a master at that, distorting myself, bending myself and ignoring aspects of myself to provide ease for others. So grateful for the opportunity to see this!

What I am seeing is that part of my practice of detachment is to see them as a stranger so I can practice dropping all of the attachment and the connections that bind me to the need to provide ease for them and dis-ease for me.

This is the practice of becoming a witness, to step away, to distance, to remove myself from the situation at hand. To watch as if it was playing out on a stage or movie set and to be in the audience rather than an actor playing its role. To observe this play, this act and the players in it from a removed stance, from a stance as an an audience member or someone on the set, not a part of the cast. Stepping away from my role, from my roles that I have come to know so well I do not even know I am acting. I have embodied the character, I have become them and from that place I act. I interact. Yet, when I become an observer and have that scene play out with strangers rather than familiar characters who also are familiar in the roles they play- I see something new. I see from a new perspective, a new vantage point. I become the witness rather than a participant and this very action, this step helps me see clearly. Provides me an opportunity to see the script, the patterns that we have fallen into, that we know so well we act and interact from this place, dutiful and committed to our roles.

Yes, this is genius. I have written about this before. I have experienced this to a degree before. This is a whole new layer, a whole new lens from which I can see. The clouds, the fog, the smoke, the haziness has cleared and there is immense clarity.

As within, so without.

Yesterday, while driving this came to me:

If we allow ourselves to become absolutely empty, with nothing there, then nothing can become attached, nothing can land. Nothing can stay, nothing can remain in this place of emptiness that isn’t void, it is full, it is intelligent. Its just there. In this empty space there is no trauma, drama, victimization- all of that has been healed or transcended and when that no longer remains, then it, all of the stories and feelings that come with them do not have a place to land, nothing to cling to, nothing to be held in.

When you access nothing, nothing is there, there are no thoughts, when you become nothing, nothing can affect you.

I know this to be true from my mediation and practice through which I access a space within where there are no thoughts, no ideas, no shoulds or need tos. There is nothing in this space, but it is not empty in the sense that it is a void, scarce. Rather this space is full of pulsing energy, pulsing with an aliveness that is so real that nothing is more important than it. This space is the present moment. It is me in my fullness. Beyond thoughts, stories, needs, and avoidances. Pure presence. Me. Where nothing can touch me, shift me, distract me, divert me. Nothing. This space where I am untouchable, unlocatable. Not clinging to a story or identity, a position or narrative. It is simple. It is vast. It is beautiful.

With this, I know that there is a space that is accessible, beyond the stories and narratives, beyond the negative aspect of the mind, the one that tends to hold me in a staying pattern of the ever repeating known.

This space in which I access the essence of me, the truth of who I am, this space in which I am learning to live in and from, responding to the requests and needs (sometimes those which feel like demands of others), from the space of knowing me, the essence of me, from a place of what is best for me. When I am here, I am claiming my truth, standing firm, accessing the inner voice and not overriding it with the stories of should, need to and the feelings of obligation.

And with each step I take, each action I make, each sound I voice I am coming home to myself.

As within, so without. As I access this knowing within, I can also access this knowing without. This knowing of observer, witness, not attaching or clinging to any thoughts or ideas, emotions or feelings. Simply noticing, watching. This is accessible within, in my mediation practice. This is accessible, without in my practice of everyday, that which we call life.

Genius. Pure Genius.

It is possible. The question is, are you willing?

With a hug,

Sara

Letting Go to Accept or Is It Accepting to Let Go?

Another practice of detachment, not being attached, letting go

I wrote the previous piece It’s a Both And a few days ago. Then after a mediation with Matheus, I had a huge awakening, realization and as soon as I came out of the mediation, I added words that flowed freely in.

Rereading the piece, I combined the previous part with the new addition and made it flow. After letting it sit, I returned to it and I felt that there were two different pieces within the one and that they would be better separate. So, I choose to cut a few paragraphs, moving them to a new document for a new piece. While reading over It’s a Both And again, I found a few more parts that felt they would be better suited in the second piece, so I cut those as well.

I published It’s a Both And, realizing only after that I had not pasted the most recent cut piece into the new document, so I did that. What I did not catch, was that I had actually copied It’s A Both And piece from Word into Squarespace so what I actually pasted was the It’s A Both And piece over the cut pieces on the new document piece. Yep. This very action, caused me to layer over what I have previously pasted. Deflated, I closed the document and did not save it.

I realize now, there were a few steps that I could have taken to recover the cut pieces and I tried. After I was not successful, I accepted that the words I typed were gone. They once were and now they are not locatable. Yet, they flowed through me so they were with me at one point. Since I was connected to them and I can access them again.

What I find funny, not yet hilarious, is that the It’s A Both And piece is about accepting rather than separating, being inclusive of both my head and my heart, not favoring one or the other. And I wanted to separate a piece out of it to make it stand alone, in that very action, I was choosing one or another. What is also humorous to me is that I chose to use the 30,000 crows photo to accompany the It’s A Both And piece, and crows symbolize detachment, among other aspects, to me.

So here, what I have been playing with and putting into practice, is the very thing I am experiencing now. To detach. To not be attached. To let go and allow it to be.

What it is stirring up is the need to be accepting. Accepting that I no longer have access to the piece. Acknowledging the feeling that I am bummed about it and let down in a sense. It is also inviting me to see that this too is an opportunity to learn, to not hold on to and become attached to any outcome.

I acknowledge that when a story pops up in my mind, like “how did you do that?” “Why were you so careless?” “How did you let that happen?” that I am being hard on myself. The underlying story or the root of this is self-deprecating, feeling I should have done something different. Only now, when this shows up, I realize that I am not accepting myself for who I am, what I have done and where I am at. When these stories, these narratives show up I see now that I like when things are going my way, life feels easy when I am in agreement with how things are going and when something goes a different way, or when I disagree with how something is playing out, I am harder on myself and I am resistant. In this resistance there is self-hatred and self-violence, feeling I should be someone else or should have done something else. Sometimes it shows up as I should be somewhere else. Whatever it is, it comes with a should be, and that should be is not accepting me for who I am and what I have done. Showing me that at the root, I am not accepting of all of me, rather I only accept parts of me. Parts of me that I like, parts of me that I agree with. And here, I am shown that I am not accepting and loving of myself, all of myself. This very action, this awareness brings to light the struggle I have been battling in my mind- what I like about myself, I accept. What I do not like about myself, I reject. I can even say I resist.

Why do I resist myself? Why do I reject myself? How has this come to be?  I am in the practice of not analyzing this, so these are questions I am putting out there to be aware of. Asking and being curious, noticing what arises for me to see. Noticing what comes to the surface to see the light, to breathe in air. Noticing what wants to become known.

This inner battle. This opposition, born through taking a position against myself. Wow, to know this now. You are battling yourself Sara, you are fighting yourself, your very act of taking a stand is pitting yourself against yourself. This is an internal battle, one that you can fight from position of resistance or resolve through acceptance.

Full acceptance.

Not selective acceptance. Choosing the parts and pieces that are aligned with what I think is right or best, good or worthy, acceptable or in alignment with the story I want to tell.

Full acceptance.

It is full acceptance of who I am, how I am and where I am. Right now. Living in and from this present moment.

Not tugged into the past, not thrusting myself into the future. This is part of the pull, part of the battle. This non acceptance of the moment, wanting to be somewhere else, doing things differently so I would not be here. This very thought, these very thoughts are the acts of self-violence and self-hatred. This comes from not accepting myself for who I am, for wanting to be someone else, for feeling I should be someone else. The thought that I am still battling these inner thoughts, that I should be done with this, over it already remains. It lingers on. It has a strong essence; its presence has been so present in my life it has become familiar. This constant completion against myself. Against others. Yes, these thoughts signify that I am not in acceptance, that I am taking a stance against myself, wanting or shoulding myself to be anyone other than me or anywhere other than here. That me being me is not enough.

There is nowhere else to go. No one else to be. Why would I want to escape myself? I already know what that is like. I lived much of my life in avoidance of myself, running, hiding, numbing, donning masks to be someone else or at least to trying to be. Those were and are acts of violence against myself, and they are hurtful. Painful to turn my back on myself, to not like me for who I am. I did not see how hard I was on myself. The stories, telling myself to be more like someone else or to stop being the real authentic me because it got me in trouble.  The more I see this, the more I acknowledge these acts of hatred and self-violence, more arise, more come to the surface. This is what acceptance looks like for me, in one form and it comes with its partner forgiveness. Forgiving myself for what I have done and what I have not done. This can occur right now in the present moment.

That is the gift of this moment, and the next and the next. I can stay here in the present moment or I can relive the past or pretend to plan the future. Why would I choose to spend my energy on this, because this very act of being somewhere else rather than here is also a disservice to me, I am robbing myself from the experience of now. How much have I missed by not being here, how much have I missed by being in my mind?

This is a huge awareness. I had thought that it was my higher Self fighting my ego, but really it is my ego fighting my ego. My highest Self, my true Self already knows and is patiently waiting with open arms for me to return to her love, return home to her open arms. My ego wants to be right and it will stop at nothing, no matter which stance it takes and it loves divisiveness and suffering, this is what fuels it, gives it power. This inner resistance that weakens, that strives to weaken me, to tire me out. The voice that says, “I cannot take this anymore.”  What my ego does not know is that I have gained strength through my practice and I have grown strong through my commitment to myself, this strength and power is what fuels me and I do not want to fight anymore. What my ego is now realizing is, that it will have stop once I am home in the arms of the Divine. I know this from my practice, I have no thoughts when I am home within myself, at ease with myself. Nothing can access me there, nothing can get to me. That is how I know there is nothing wrong with me, because I have accessed myself through my commitment to myself through my practice. I see, I see what is happening. My ego is pulling out all of its tactics to keep me complacent, to keep me bound, in suffering in this constant pull. Yes, yes, yes, I see this now. My practice remains and when my ego comes on strong, I turn to my practice without a doubt, without hesitation. There is no turning back, I am in. I am committed and I am staying the course.

My life, life in general is not intended to be a burden or a struggle. It is meant to be lived fully, enlivened and celebrated. I have heard these words before, they have been shared with me, told to me. I have even repeated them out. But now I know, and with this new knowing I can choose, I can choose to stay in this state of duality, being yanked into the past or thrust into the future. Yes, I have a choice, I can live in a state of competition with myself or I can live from a place of ease and acceptance. Accepting myself fully. All of me, not only the parts that I like or agree with, or the parts that others like and agree with, I am every piece, every part. For I am a sum of all of my parts. I cannot be me without my experiences that made me, that brought me here. So why do I want to shun or ignore parts of me, the parts that fuel me, that give me power, that have taught me to rise up, to stand up, to claim my space and be seen. Why would I only want to show parts of me that I think others would like so I would fit in and be accepted? I can rewrite my stories, accepting my choices and celebrating my actions rather than feeling ashamed or regretful. For staying in that stance, seeing life from that position is limiting and depleting. It is diminishing and punitive. It is a hurtful stance, an act against myself, one that I am no longer choosing to live by.

There is nothing wrong with me. There never has been and there never will be. The more I accept this, the more whole I become.

I acknowledge each and every part and piece of me.

I accept each and every piece of me.

I welcome each and every piece of me.

I love each and every piece of me.

I see myself as whole and complete.

A sum of all of my part and pieces, inclusive of all of the experiences I have had that brought me here.

The life I live is my life. For I am life itself. Life flows through me and life flows through you. I can choose to continue to live this life as a battle, in opposition with myself or I can choose to celebrate and cherish this opportunity to be here, living fully and being in joy with all that comes my way.

Cherishing, swirling and giggling with delight,

Sara

It's a Both And

Have you ever said something to a friend and been surprised by what came from your mouth, the words you speak or type and how the message to the dear friend is the same message that you yourself can benefit from hearing? The words that you share are the very words that you need to hear or read, the words that you need to receive?

This happened to me as I typed a text message to a beloved friend.  These are the words I shared:

Beloved.

Hug.

You are showing up for

Yourself in ways that

You have before,

It’s slightly different

With these circumstances

With this, you know you can

TRUST yourself, rely on

Yourself in challenging times

Stay with this truth

Stay with this knowing and

Return to it when you

Forget and get caught

In the tide of self-doubt

 And worry

The grip of fear is strong-

It wants everything to remain

As it is, the same

But that is not possible,

For we exist in time

And in time there is change

There is growth and decay

That is the nature of nature

What remains is your relationship with

Yourself

You are love itself

Choose love

Choose yourself

I have been in the pull of duality. Have you ever been there? The tug? The back and forth? The doubt? The questioning? The worry? Have you ever experienced this? Yes, it is true, I have been here in this pull of duality. And I know exactly how I got here. I read a line in an email, a line that lit me up.

There was a brief awareness of gratitude, gratitude for what was, gratitude for what is and gratitude for what will come. I glimpsed this, I felt this. I observed this. And then the grip of time mind took over. It was as if it swooped in and put its claws on my chest, taking away my breath while I looked from side to side bewildered, wondering what is happening, what just happened?

Ah, the grip of the mind. The stories. The narrative. The habitual patterns and trends. Its ability to dream and create expectations. Its strength draws me away from the present moment thrusting me into the future while yanking me back to the past all the while full of self-doubt and worry, asking myself how did I get here? What did I do wrong? How did I mess this one up? What sign did I miss? What subtle clue did I override? 

Yes, this its power. This is the power of duality, especially when I am stuck in the mind. Once I am here, I debate myself. I criticize. I judge. I defend. I cry. I scream. I feel lost. I am confused. Disoriented. Unsure. And here I remain until I gain some clarity, some solid ground, some space.

Sometimes it takes a long while for me to arrive to the space of silence where I access clarity. I had already witnessed that the only thing that shifted once I read the email was the state of my mind, everything around me remained the same. The birds were flying, the train passed by, the flowers were growing. Everything on the external was continuing on the way it had been. It was my mind that changed, there was a shift there and I could feel it throughout my body. So I decided in that moment to turn to techniques I have been taught. I worked with my breath to shift my state rather than remain stuck.  I have learned that talking helps in some aspects and taking action through kriya helps me in others. While sitting on my cushion and activating my inner fire and will, I was able to gain perspective, gain separation. I was able to distance myself and see from a new lens.

I find observing is a wonderful way to spend time. I have always been curious and I wonder a lot. I like to reflect. I like to dissect situations, looking at them with my current lens asking what could I have done differently. And you know what, I find it really doesn’t help. I cannot go back; I cannot make the change and at times this awareness of not being able to change what has happened brings me to a place of feeling stuck.  It also brings to the surface my tendency to analyze. When I analyze I often judge and when I judge I often critique. Then I find myself defending and or justifying my action, my “why.” 

What if, instead of moving into a place of analyzation I simply notice? What if I observe? From this place of observing, I have the ability to be distant, separate from rather than tied up in or caught by the thoughts and narratives. When I observe I am noticing what is happening as an observer.  I am a witness. Being with what I see, what I feel, whatever is arising without attaching a thought to it. I am being with, rather than clinging to. I am watching from the outside, not getting drawn in to the drama, the old story with victims, villains and heroes. Instead, I am watching it all play out. Removed, like watching a play or a movie from the seat of an audience rather than being in it on the stage or set.

I notice that I fluctuate here too, feeling the tug of observing and analyzing, noticing and judging, witnessing and critiquing. This duality is exhausting. This back and forth, which should I do, where should I put my energy towards, what is the right action to take…. And then I remember that I am in my head. Spending time listening to my head, getting sucked in more and more to the side that wants to be right, to be correct, to do the right thing, to not get this wrong, to not make a mistake.

I have been exploring living from my heart. I have been exploring living from my head. I spend time observing this. I used to think I had to live from one and not the other, that living from my heart was better than living from my head. “Get out of the head and into the heart,” is a phrase that I have told myself. As I type this, I see this is another form of duality- one or the other. I positioning myself, telling myself one is better than the other. That I am doing it wrong if I am living from my head. That I am too, “idealistic” if I am living from my heart. But those are just words, phrases that I have been told, that I have picked up from here and there and carried around as if they are mine. They are not. I have lived from my head. I have lived from my heart. I live from my head. I live from my heart. I type from my head. I type from my heart. I love from my head. I love from my heart. What I am actually doing when I position myself against myself, is going against myself, fighting myself. When I take a stand like this, I am setting myself up to either be right or wrong. This is the internal battle, this positionality is at the root of the duality.

Why does it need to be one or the other? Why can I not accept them as a both and? This practice of acceptance is not wanting to be somewhere else, someone else. Or the familiar story of “I will be when…,” no that is self-hatred, that is violence to the self. It is toxic when I say or tell myself I am worthy only when I clean all of this up, when I am healed, when I have no more fluctuations.

When I do not accept the here and now, I am in resistance. When I do not accept what is unfolding now, what is being offered now, offered for me to see, to see what is here in this space in which learning happens, there is opposition within. I have to catch myself and be aware to not write, that which is still here, because using those words implies that, whatever I am resisting should be gone. It implies that I should be- either should be someone else, or should be somewhere else. This is a focusing on the doing, what has been done rather accepting what is here, seeing what is here, acknowledging what is here. This creates struggle. This very act creates the pull, the tension, the polarity.

I tell myself; I have cleared this. I have done this sadhana or practice. I have done this and that. This narrative is like a tick in a box. Check, done this. Check, done that. Been there, addressed that. It is dismissing the now, that which is here now, ignoring that which is arising and presenting itself to be seen. What I am actually saying to myself is that I have failed because it is still here. I am battling myself for not getting it done, taking care of it, completing the task. The voice in my mind says to me, this should already be gone, cleaned up, taken care of. As if there is an end point that I am supposed to arrive to.

I received a text from Jeanette with a message from her yogi tea that spoke directly to my struggle:

May your head and your heart speak with one voice.

Yes. Yes. Yes.

Of course. I was bringing the duality into the head and the heart, thinking that they are separate entities, separate technologies, separate wisdom, when they are one. My practice, my daily practice is to come into alignment, bringing the head and the heart into alignment meeting together at the throat chakra and speaking as one, one unified voice. No longer separate entities, separate places and spaces, rather they are united, together as one. Aligned.

This is a huge AHA for me. This is a huge shift of awareness. Separate but the same. Inextricably connected and working together in tune, in alignment for the greater good of my being.

Sharing from my head and my heart, as one,

Sara

In the Great Unfolding of Now

We are what we put out

We are what we send out

We are a part of a circle

A feedback loop

That which we look for, finds us.

We bring it towards us

We invite it to us

We are a magnet

We attract our current state

We draw life towards us

Based on our thinking, feeling and emotion state

For life can only be the way we are

What is it you desire, your deepest longing

Set the attention of your heart here,

maintain your awareness on this

Bring it in

Bring it towards you

Welcome it in with open arms

Receiving in the moment

No waiting

Now

What is your deepest hearts’ desire

That which you long for, yearn for

Call it in

Invite it towards you

Receive it with open arms

In the great unfolding of NOW

These Are The Learning Grounds

I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself.

                                                                                    -The Invitation

How many times have I disappointed myself to be true for someone else? To be what they want me to be? To be what they need me to be? To be what I think they want me to be? To be how they want me to be?  How many times I have turned my back on myself to be for someone else?

These are the questions that arise when I read this. 

How many times have I disappointed myself? How many times have I not been true to my self?

Does this resonate with you?  Does this meet you?  What do you feel stirring within?  A hint of nausea, yes. Nausea, mixed with immense power. Why? For once you know something you can not unknow it. Forget, yes. This happens for me, this forgetting. Knowing something, really knowing something in the core of your being, at the core of your being- is different. There is no going back once this is known. I will never turn my back on myself the way I have in the past. I will no longer succumb to the pull, the draw of being anyone other than me, anyone other than the truth of who I am, of who I know to be.

Can I disappoint another to be true to me? Yes. It is possible? Yes. Am I willing? Yes. I have and I will, again and again and again. The more I take these steps, the more I break out of the old pattern of disappointing myself to be for someone else, the more familiar it becomes, the easier it is. It is the steps, the early steps that are critical to build the foundation to return to again and again and again.

When I forget, I will rise and face myself fully. Meeting myself with the grace that is needed in the moment. Adaptable, responsive, nurturing, loving, enveloping because I cannot get this wrong. You cannot get this wrong. It is not possible. If I ignore the inner knowing, the subtle clues and messages. If I override them thinking my way is better or someone else’s way is better, I will be provided an opportunity to face myself again, to go at it again, to have another chance. What is for me is the same for you.

For that is all we have, possibilities and opportunities.

We have only forgotten this.

These are the learning grounds.

They can be soft and forgiving, padding your fall. They can be hard, rough and cold providing a shock to the system, a call to wake up and see things from a different perspective.

There are only solutions, infinite ways to see, to address, to overcome, to transcend.

If we are willing to see.

If we are willing to see.

This is why we are here, to learn.

For these are the learning grounds.

Meeting you here, for where else can we be, besides here.

With a hug,

Sara

Silence. Part 1.

Why is silence important to me?

What does silence mean to me?

I used to not know what silence was

What did it require?

What was it?

To silence the mind?

To be quiet?

To not talk?

To not fill the space?

To hold back?

As I sit with this

I ask, what is necessary to convey?

What is needed to share?

To be spoken

To be said

To bring into this moment

What is the desire?

What is behind the words?

Is it that silence is uncomfortable?

That you are uncomfortable in silence

With silence

Why it is that you have to share, have to say something?

To be seen

Acknowledged

Heard

Be paid attention to

Why are you sharing?

Are you aware of this?

Are you aware of the power of your voice?

That which you say

That which you birth

That which leaves your lips and remains in minds

Are you aware of this?

Are you aware of this power?

Yes, this is why silence is important to me, because of the power of words.

Being Backed

I write about being backed, backing yourself and I thought, maybe folks what to know more about what I mean when I say being backed.

I have found from experience that we can be backed by our attention, our will, our volition. When we back ourselves, we know we are supporting ourselves, never giving up on ourselves, never turning away from ourselves.

It starts slowly and builds. This backing gains momentum and strength. It gains staying power when we commit to ourselves again and again and again.  This backing comes when we direct our attention, when we are aware of what we are putting our attention to and on. 

Backing and feeling backed by myself has come through a variety of lessons. They could be called challenges to some; I choose to see them as opportunities to grow. For so long I would show up for others, do for others, act and say for others from a place that was disconnected from myself. In this place I was often seeking approval and acceptance from others, so I would act, do and be driven from an external drive.  Until I met myself and began spending time with myself and then I began acting, doing and being me driven by an internal will, an inner volition.

This is a journey, one that I am on every day. At times it feels “easier and more fluid than others.” Do not be deceived, the wavering is still here. This dance, the gentle pull or forceful yank of this play between external and internal is still here, lurking under the water, slowly bringing its eye to the surface to make itself known. There is no end game. There is no end. This is a process that is never ending. There is no, “I’ve got it, I’ve achieved this or I’ve accomplished this and it is over and done with, never to surface again.”  No, what I find is that there is always more, layers upon layers. Each and every time I discover there is more. More arises, more to address, more to be seen. Always more.

It is here, in the moments when this stuff surfaces that I gain backing. When I sit with it, face it, acknowledge it, accept it, it is in these actions that I gain backing. I gain momentum. I access strength. I back myself by facing it fully, rather than running away or diverting attention to avoid or hide. I have gathered practices to support me in this backing and I can turn to mantra, shift my breath or get on my mat. I call a friend or I write. I have learned that depending on what it is that is showing up requires different practices to address it. If a negative thought, feeling or pattern shows up that I am aware of, it requires certain energy to redirect and focus. If whatever is showing has a tight grip and is all consuming it requires a deeper practice to shift.

I know this now. This knowing is backed by the experiences that have led me to this knowing, all of the times that have come before this moment that have led me here. Inclusive of them all, even the ones that I would rather ignore or turn my head from. All. Every moment is an opportunity to learn and grow.  How do you show up in these moments, moments of discomfort? What do you do?  What are your patterns, habits, tendencies? What is your go to response or reaction?  Do you know? You can start by observing, noticing, being curious and paying attention. This is how I began and I know you can learn a lot about yourself from these actions.

We all have to start somewhere. Why not start at the very beginning, with you, the one who has been with you from the start, from the beginning.

For you are always here, always here and the invitation is to return back to yourself. The invitation is for all of us to return to ourselves, the truth of who we are. Who we have always been and will always be. Who else can do this work, besides you?

Meeting you here, in this truth,

Sara

A Play with Words

There is a subtle switch between scared and sacred. Do you see it?

There is a subtle shift between scared and scarred. Do you see it?

There is a subtle change between altar and alter. Do you see it?

For me, the experiences of seeing this have been subtle yet profound.  The experiences that come with this seeing shift me. Creating shifts in my knowing. Shifts in my relationship with my self, with others. Shifts in my experiences with my experiences, my memories, that which I remember. Small, delicate shifts that lead to huge shifts, life changing shifts. Shifts that are life altering.

I recall a text I sent to my mom when I was in India that captures the essence of this play with words and shifts.  Here is the exchange:

Ah yes, I have an altar to alter my relationship with myself. For those of you who have witnessed my journey in person or have read about it, you know that I love words. You also know that I used to run from myself, hide, numb, distract, divert, plan, overbook- I would do anything to avoid spending time alone with myself. Alone? Me? With Myself? Why would I want to do that when there are so many other things I could be doing?

Yes, this is how I used to feel. Used to feel. Now, all I want to is be alone and spend time with myself. This is what I mean when I say there is a subtle shift that is life altering.  I used to avoid spending time with myself, until all I had was time with myself. In the beginning, while in India I did not have access to my distraction outlets. I did not have work, emails or drinks and dates with friends. What I did have, was myself. Myself and time. Time to be with myself.

At first, I did not know what to do. How to fill my time. How to pass time. And time felt it passed slowly.  One of the ways I first began mediating was to sit still, to sit through an entire song. To sit without moving, without getting up to do. To sit. To sit for a ten minute song. That was the beginning.

Slowly, slowly, I was introduced to an altar, a place in which special objects, things acquired were placed to focus my attention when it wandered, to help maintain my gaze. I was introduced to mantra, a phrase or sound to repeat again and again, noticing when my mind carried me off to far away places in time- to the past, to the future, bringing my awareness back to the present moment with my mantra.

I also began to have full on conversations with myself, literally pulling up a chair and inviting myself, the shadow side of my self that I did not want to face, that I wanted to ignore, to stuff down, to turn away from, to pretend it was not there to sip of cup of chai together.

Ah, there is the word, pretend. To pretend. How long did I pretend? How long did I ignore my true self, turning away from it out of fear of what I would see, meet? Out of fear of what would greet me as I turned towards myself. How long did I do this?

Looking back, I have always been interested in learning about myself, wanting to know more, asking questions, reflecting, pondering. There was a never settled feeling that drove this, this feeling that there had to be more to this, this day to day, day in and day out way of life that I had been living. I was seeking. I wanted. I sought. And when I couldn’t find or wasn’t satisfied it sent me back to my old ways, tendencies and patterns.

Until, slowly, slowly I gained momentum.  Through the time I spent being with myself, staying committed to my practice, I began to back myself. I began to rely on myself by turning inwards for answers rather than seeking externally. Yes, there were times when I felt alone. There still are. Times when I felt no one else would understand. That I could not locate the words to describe or tell. Until I realized that no one else has to understand. No one else has to ‘get it,’ for it is not theirs to get, it is mine. We have similar experiences, similar stories, similar journeys, yet each is individual, each is our own, each is unique. The energy I put forth trying to locate the exact word to convey how I was, who I was or where I was, drained me. I was exhausted, tired.

Choosing rather to use that energy for me, turning the energy that I would put out so others would get it, would get me, I gave to myself. Softness comes with this. So does permission. An acceptance arises, when you access this sacredness within yourself. There is a subtle shift from being scared of yourself to accessing the sacredness of who you are, of how you came here, of why you are here. An immense grace arises and holds you, embracing you when you surrender in to this.

Scarred yes. The scars are here. Visible marks, traces on the body and mind of the journey that led you here, the steps that have been taken to arrive here. And with this shift, this subtle shift from being scared and hurt, of being a victim softens and you see, with total acceptance all that has happened has led you here, to the very core of your being, the sacredness of yourself.

That every step. Every action. Every choice. Every moment has led you home to your heart.

Upon reflection, looking back you would not change a thing you see this now and you welcome time to pass slowly.

Meeting you here at the altar of this truth,

Sara

What if?

What if we saw the purpose of life to be? To be fully and present in the moment. To be without expectations, without a plan, an aim or a goal.  What if we were to be, present, here and now?

Can we be with this?

Are we able to allow ourselves to cognize this? Envision this? Accept this?

It is possible. Yes, it is possible.

All too often we focus on the product, the outcome, that which we achieve, forgetting the moments that lead, that guide, that took us there.

The ocean and sand gifted me another message this morning.  The tide was going out as I greeted the sun, the creek and its return to the ocean.  As I walked, I noticed lines, patterns and designs in the sand. Traces left behind from the dance of the sand and water.  These traces were faint and could go unnoticed if one was not looking, not tuned in to the subtleness.  And then there was a deeper groove, it was more pronounced, wider, darker in color that caught my eye. I followed it, tracing its flow with my gaze until I stopped and stood. In awe. In amazement with what I witnessed.

There I saw that which made the track, that whose path it was. This creature, going on about its way, doing what it knows to do. Upon observation, it appeared to be eating, gathering that which was nourishing from the sand, from a grain of sand, from something on the grain of sand. What really struck me was the design, the design placed, made, created by this animal, who was doing what it was doing. Being themselves. Being. Eating. Moving. While leaving a trace of its actions, its being.

It was this trace that caught my eye with awe.

Everyone is on their path and it looks like nothing is happening, being created and then you look back and you see the journey that has been taken, the steps that have been stepped.

This creature is moving so slowly. So slowly. It can look as if it is doing nothing, producing nothing, not adding or contributing. And then you see this and stop, stop and gaze in awe.

Once you see this, you go back and realize it is beautiful all along. And that there has always been doing, always been action, and maybe hasn’t been valued or seen or acknowledged yet you are doing that which you do, which is moving, step, crawl again and again and again.

How many of us are going along, being ourselves, living our lives, doing that which is necessary and only when something is deemed beautiful or worthy does someone stop to take notice and draw attention to? When all along, each step, each action taken contributed to this.

Don’t they see that it isn’t this, it is THIS?  Don’t we see that it is THIS, this which is all encompassing? Inclusive of all. All of the process, not some, not only that which looks good or is value, rather it is ALL. ALL.

That which is valuable is seen by some one way and another by others, reliant on the perception, the judgement. Dependent on the very lens of the experience of that who is watching, that who is noticing, that who is witnessing, that who is observing.

Our lens, how we receive is dependent on our current state, our current understanding, how we make and are making meaning of all that is around us.

It is incredible. Profound. Beautiful.

So simple. There is beauty in all that we do, each step, each gesture, each gaze. It is all of this, inclusive of everything, leaving nothing out. Accepting each and every moment that has brought us here. Each and every moment. For it is a divine play, a gift, a dance magnificently orchestrated. One that continues to give and give and give.

There is no end.

There is no end.

There is no end.

Soaking and basking in this beauty of this,

as this,

Sara

Detachment - A Practice of Non Attachment

I love life, this play of life. This game of life and its playfulness with me.

I travelled to the Pacific Northwest and was met with opportunities to practice detachment, fully letting go of attachment. At the time these moments were occurring I did not fully embrace this detachment. Or did I? Was it happening in the moment? Was I only aware after? The knowing of the timing, of the when it happened is irrelevant. It happened. I experienced this. I know I was able to be acceptive of what was occurring, saying to myself a phrase I heard in India often, “What to do?” Really, what could I do?

I arrived at Xenia, on Bowen Island for the Writer’s Retreat.  I listened attentively at the welcome dinner, agreeing and understanding the request for a closed mug/drink container while in the yurt to prevent spilling.  After dinner I returned to my room to get my mug and fill it with warm water, lemon and honey for our opening circle. I looked everywhere and could not locate it. Ugh, I thought to myself, I must have left it in Jeanette’s car. I remembered seeing it in the cup holder, as I got out of the car and gathered my things, I must have left it there.  My mind ran through scenarios, thinking I had grabbed it and placed it in my bag, wondering why Jeanette did not call to tell me I left it there. I even had the thought that Jeanette would have called her friend and had her bring it to me, a totally rational thought in my mind since she was on her way to the island. I caught myself and said Sara, your mug is not here. What to do about it? It is not realistic for Jeanette to call you or to bring it to you. You do not need the mug, there are many mugs for you to use.

In this dialogue I became aware of the attachment I had to the mug - the memories of the mug, the rituals I have with the mug. I began thinking of the expectations I had placed, the ideas I thought, the stories I told myself that included the mug. I would bring the mug with me into the forest, I would have it in my hands to keep me warm, I would hold it to my chest while I spoke, resting it in the space between my legs while I sat.  It was the memory of the mug that I was missing. The story I told of the mug, how it had travelled with me to India and how I thought it would be a companion to this journey as well.

What to do? I brought myself back to this question as I lay in bed falling asleep.  What to do? What to do? Let it go. There is nothing you can do. Slowly I noticed my mind shifting away from the scarcity of not having the mug and moving towards a place of gratitude, remembering that my water bottle (which I am using now, because I left my Shiva Hanumana water bottle in Jackson last summer) maintains the heat of water. It is a fancy water bottle like that. I turned my mind to this gratitude for what I did have, rather than what was lacking, what I no longer had.

In the morning I woke, rose and walked to fill my water bottle before heading out be among the trees for mediation.  Once at the main lodge, I filled it with hot water, lemon and honey leaving the cap loose to allow the steam to rise and the temperature to cool enough to sip it as I made my way back to my room to put on my rain gear.  As I entered the room, I placed the water bottle down, not noticing that I placed it half on the carpet and half on the hardwood floor. It toppled over spilling its contents everywhere. I began searching for a cloth to clean up the spill and as I stood to wring out the liquid I discovered, to my delight, my mug sitting on the shelf next to the sink!  “Wahoo,” I shouted. “Yippee.”  

This is what is means to let go, to fully detach. I had resolved that I could not locate my mug and, in that resolve, I came to terms that I would not be able to have it. That my idea of my mug, my expectations and memories that came with it were no longer possible in that way and I let it go. I allowed my attachment to fade.  And once I did, there it appeared.

That experience in itself brought me such joy.

As if that was not enough, I had another experience. Similar but not the same. I have a love, a special place in my heart for an incense that I burned in India.  I have one stick left that I place under my nose and take a deep, long sniff. Wanting it to last, I have not burned it.  When Jeanette and I were together, she shared some of this special incense with me.  We wrapped it, placed it in my bag and told myself I would burn it on a special occasion.

When I woke in the morning at 4:45 to write, I said to myself, burn this incense now. I did. In the low light of a candle, with the window open to let the crisp dawn air and light in I typed words that flowed from my heart. A similar experience happened the following morning. I woke early with words that flowed. I lit a candle and a stick of incense and began typing. 

The next day, I thought to burn this incense while soaking in the tub.  I reached in my bag to locate the incense and was not able to locate any. Huh, I thought to myself. I thought Jeanette gifted me more than two sticks. And that was that. I let it go. No more thoughts remained. I chose a different stick of incense with a beautiful rose scent and enjoyed my soak.

The following morning, while packing my bag I discovered more of the special incense. Jeanette had graciously offered me more sticks and since they were in their original box I did not feel them in the early morning dawn light.  I smiled and laughed out loud as I thought, I am glad I used those two sticks for a very intimate writing session, had I known that I only had two I would have saved them for a special occasion and wouldn’t have burned them.  And those early morning writing times were so special and meaningful to me in part because of the sensual experience of the incense.

That is what I am experiencing about letting go of the idea of what was or will be, in doing so a great space opens to be present and enjoy the current moment as it is.

No more than ten minutes after this discovery I witnessed this outside of myself.  Earlier in the week, I admired Becca’s red sweatshirt with birds on it. “Is that a Steller’s Jay?,” I asked. “It is,” she shared, turning around revealing the back. There stood a crane, a painted crane that stood taking up the entire length of the back of her sweatshirt. “When I heard you speak of herons,” she shared, “I thought that this sweatshirt needs to be with you.” Becca walked past my room as I was packing and said, “I have something for you and now is the time.” She walked back to her room and returned with the hand painted by her, bird sweatshirt.  She offered it to me, I received it with open arms and placed it upon my heart. As this was happening, Angel walked up the path and said to Becca, “I have a red sweatshirt for you.”  WHAT? Becca had literally offered her sweatshirt to me, releasing it, letting it go, giving it passing it on and as soon as it was out of her hands and in mine another red sweatshirt appeared.

This play is beautiful to witness unfold, beautiful to watch.

Smiling in awe with it all. The vastness. The interconnectedness. The simplicity. The complexity.

In the releasing there is receiving, it is in this act where we make space for more to come.

As Katrina shared with me as she observed the ocean, “It keeps coming in as it goes out. As it goes out, more is on its way in.”

Yes, it does. Yes, it does.

Inviting you to let go, so you can accept and receive. Fully.

It is possible.

Discover it,

Sara

Being Me, Experiencing All of Me

This piece emerged from a letter that was written to a dear friend, coming straight from the heart.

I have found, from my experiences, that it is a lot for others to see all of me, to feel all of me, to be with all of me. In this knowing, I have found that, for me, there is not one person that can hold all of me unless that person is myself. I have come to rely on and accept that I can be me, with me. The darkest of dark depths and corners and the brightest of lights and radiance. 

So much of my journey these past four years has been coming home to myself, no more running, hiding, donning masks to fit in, no more numbing to avoid, no more dimming of my light or turning parts of me off so I can be okay around others and others can be okay around me. Along this journey, I have come to know that I can only be me, in fact, being me is the greatest gift I can give.  

I also acknowledge that there is an intense desire to be whole, full and complete. That desire is so strong I give part and pieces of myself over to others - I ask them to be responsible for me. I hold them responsible for the incompleteness that I feel and it breeds anger and resentment, more hurt and pain. The more I sit with this, the more I realize that when I give myself over to others, knowingly and unknowingly, willing and unwillingly, I am depleting myself, giving away my power and strength. Passing along the fuel and kindling that lights my fire and encourages my way on.  I have found, through acceptance and forgiveness to take everything that I have dumped on to others back, to take it all. To disconnect the cords that attach, the grip that holds and binds and to do the same in return. To give all that I have willingly and unwillingly, knowingly and unknowingly accepted and taken on, received as if I am a trash receptacle back to the original sender. I peel back the fingers that have a grip on me, remove the hooks that have me caught and swirling in their drama and I send it all back to them. I give it all back to them so they have their own fuel, so they can access their own energy and use it as they’d like.  There is immense freedom in this separation and owning of myself, my choices and my energy.

I share these words, because as I come home to myself, I find that there are a few who truly understand me, who can be with me when I traverse the depths and gasp for air, there are few who can fly high and celebrate the joy and bliss and ecstasy that I access when I meet my true self. What I find is that I have near and dear friends who I cannot share these intimate moments with because they have not experienced the depths and the highs and in trying to locate words to describe so they can understand requires too much energy on my part and reduces my experience. There are times that I feel so alone, so alone with these depths and heights. Alone when I want to talk with someone, to share and wonder who, who can meet me in this space? Alone when I want someone to sit with me and hold me. To hear me. To listen to me. Not to fix me or change me. For there is nothing wrong with me. I know that now. There is nothing wrong with me and there never has been anything wrong we me. It’s just that I did not know this within myself and those who I turned to, those who I gave power and authority to, felt in some way that I needed to be fixed, healed, changed and that it was their responsibility to do that for me.  

It’s an interesting place to be. For so long I sought to be known, to be understood. I would plan each word, sharing with intention so that there could be no error, no miscommunication, no confusion. I spent so much energy planning what I would say and how I would say it, all driven from this place of wanting to be known and understood. Now, I am comfortable in my aloneness. Okay with not being understood. There is this ease that is here in this knowing, knowing I am okay being me. That being me is enough.

In these alone moments, I find myself. I find the grace that is me, that has been here all along, waiting to be seen, waiting to be discovered. When I access this, there is an immense softness, my whole body relaxes and I realize I am being held in love. That I am always held in love. That this love is here, always. It's not that it is waiting for me to find it, for it knows that it is always here, always available and accessible in all ways. It knows this, and in this knowing, it knows I will find my way to it. It is a deep surrender. Not a giving up surrender. No, it is not that. It is a surrender that comes only when we access the dark moments of confusion, of feeling lost, of anger, of grief, of hurt, of sadness of why me, of why now, of how can I go on, of what am I supposed to do. 

I know these questions intimately - 'what is there to live for?' ‘why am I here?’ I know this depth. I have been there and there are times when I return there. It is known. It is familiar. And in honesty, only you can answer that question, for that question you ask is actually you asking yourself, from the place of your deepest longing, your deepest hurt.  Yet it is not yours alone. It is ours. We all ask these questions, only a few of us have had experiences that bring us here, to these depths, to face these questions, to touch it nose to nose, to know it, to smell it. And those of us who have asked these questions are here because something within us, something we touch, something we access in those depths invites us to rise up, to pull ourselves up, to crawl on our knees and to slowly stand and see that there is beauty. There is love. For only love can bring us to these depths and to these heights. 

For it is love itself, for you are love yourself.

No one else can do this, except you. No one else. 

When you feel the wave gaining backing and force and it begins to rise up, tell yourself, I have been here before and I will endure. You can take me to the depths, you can swirl me around, you can turn me upside down, you can take my breath away and cry all my tears until they are dry because I know, I know from experience that you too will pass. The intensity of the wave cannot maintain its force and destruction for that long. Eventually the energy that backs it will subside and you will begin to see the light on the surface and because light has a way of being magnetizing, you are drawn to it. And there in the light, everything looks different. There is a different world once you emerge and push through the surface, no longer held and tossed around in the currents. And slowly, slowly, slowly, you feel the gentle rocking, the bobbing up and down, the swaying of the ocean holding you. She is fierce, in this form, fiercer in her love and desire to hold you and comfort you and suspend you. It is this. And you see it all. You see her fierceness as she swells into a tsunami and you see her fierceness as she holds you. For this is the fierceness of the mother and all she knows is love.

Know deeply that you are held in love, the gentle soft love and the ferocious love. For all of it is love. Always here in all ways.

In love, with love, as love,

S

Listening In and Trusting

I’ve been noticing a wavering. A wavering of sorts. A back and forth. It could be self- doubt, it has some similarities. It also has deep roots of knowing and standing in this knowing, yet being swayed. Swayed by ideas and words of others.  The image of a buoy comes to mind. Anchored in the earth below the water, bobbing and moving with the wakes of the boats. Moving and anchored. Moving yet anchored. And sometimes this swaying, depending on the momentum it has gained, can send me out of balance. When I am in a place of anger, pain, suffering, hurt or feeling despondent, it is usually, I have found, a result of being out of balance. No longer aligned with my truth.

I located this journal entry from November 2015. At the time, I was teaching fourth grade in a new school.

The state for my current situation…

You know what – I feel like I am blindly leading my students, following the words of others without a thought and when I find time (which is rare) I am learning that I disagree with what I have said to them, what we’ve focused our work on.

Ex. Reader’s Notebooks- tracking our thinking. We’ve been categorizing our thought/tracks yet really there is a reason why we wrote what we wrote...the goal is to get them talking, for them to learn that the details of their thoughts and experiences are important. The goal here is ‘what am I thinking and why’. They are talking, they have a lot to say. Capture that.

I’ve been struggling because I have been using the words/guidelines of colleagues without thinking about its impact on our community of readers. While I don’t know the skills of each individual reader – I do know about their thinking about their reading and that has been our focus. Not necessarily writing about their thinking but talking about their thinking and we’ve been spending time sharing, growing, being inspired by… Sara, trust them. Trust where they are at, what they are doing, saying and build slowly, but slowly – we’ll become powerful. It is a slow process in the beginning, trust them as a collective. Trust your gut. What you believe to be true/know/reality as we embark on this journey rather than forcing them. Celebrate their thinking, their ability to catch their thought, regardless of what it is, they caught it, something lead them to that- it is in the process, the process that highlights the work, the moment the value, not the category.”

I choose to place these words in bold because the capture the knowing part of the swaying:

Sara, trust them. Trust where they are at, what they are doing, saying and build slowly, but slowly – we’ll become powerful. It is a slow process in the beginning, trust them as a collective. Trust your gut. What you believe to be true/know/reality as we embark on this journey rather than forcing them.

How often do we do this?  How often have I done this? How often do we easily follow the lead of someone else without thought? I am delighted to see this reflection in written form back from 2015. It is validation that this knowing has always been here.

I see how easily I can get tangled up in the stories others are saying and telling, tied to believing and in some cases thinking they are real and mine.

I am recalling another example of getting persuaded. It was during a therapy session in 2017, when I was asked if I was more like a cucumber or a pickle.  This question was asked in reference to my choice or lack of choice around drinking. I found myself saying I was ‘more like a pickle I guess,’ even though I did not really believe that to be true. I felt that was what I was supposed to say, that was the answer they were looking for. That me saying I was a pickle was taking responsibility for the state I was in at that time. That saying I was more of a pickle than a cucumber, was owning my drinking and accepting the role it was playing and had played in my life.

I am writing to get to the root of - is it me or do I feel I need to say something or take on an impression that someone has of me to make it okay, to make them feel better?  Am I being true to me or am I adapting myself to fit into a view someone has of me? Am I adjusting aspects of myself to make it easier for others? Why do I feel it is okay or necessary to fit and conform to a view or perspective that others have?

This is a huge thread that is showing up for me now. I think about all of the times I have not be true to me. All of the times that I didn’t know that I wasn’t being true to me. All of the times I was blindly being led by the views of others, allowing the views others had to become mine. Allowing the views others have to determine my choices, my decisions, my path.

Which is why I am delighted, DELIGHTED to locate these words from my journal in 2015. During a time in my life when I felt so pulled, so unsure, so unsteady. To read these words, it similar to accessing a gem, something shiny in the dirt. I do know, I want to shout, this is here within me! There are these glimpses of me knowing what is best, right. What feels aligned and in tune with me.

The question now is, how do I continue to access this knowing? What signals does my body give, offer me in the moment, after the fact? What is my body saying about my experiences? Do I feel good? Do I feel icky?  If I feel icky, am I overriding the icky uncomfortable feeling because it is just that, uncomfortable? Am I ignoring the feeling, giving the other the benefit of the doubt? I know I am great at ignoring, excusing and justifying, how often do I that to make something better? How often do I do that so I and others can feel at more ease?

I have teacher who says, “Do not bleach red flags.”  She shares this with me knowing that I have the tendency to do just that. To see warning signs and to override them. To witness events and interactions and write them off by saying ‘she is always this way’, or ‘they are having a bad day.’ Anything to avoid what is really true. Because sometimes the truth is icky to see, to face, to have to deal with and address, and it is much easier, or so we tell ourselves, to ignore and to turn a blind eye.

What we are really doing is avoiding and prolonging. The choice to override our intuition, our knowing, our gut sense fades the signals. We drown them out and they are not as loud. In the ignoring, the signals soften. There are here, subtly but not pronounced. Making them harder to recognize and pay attention to. Yet, remain they do, for they are our truth, our inner knowing, our guide. They are persistent, subtle in their form, yet always here. Until, I have found, we ignore them over and over and over again. In the ignoring there is something that builds and builds and builds and then bursts. The stuffing and hiding, the ignoring and shunning, the out of sight out of mind mentality, with all of its force and energy comes roaring in, in a way that we cannot longer put off to the side, sweep under the rug and shy away from. The turning away and ignoring becomes impossible to do once the signals become louder and louder, for all they ever wanted was to be seen and attended to.

At times it shows up and is irritating and annoying, providing what we perceive to be as an inconvenience. Something that hinders us or gets in our way. When I find myself here, I deal with what is arising once I recognize it. The ‘it’ being the unease, discomfort, unsteady, the constant pull of the mind, the indecisiveness, the second guessing and self-doubt.  Once I am aware of its presence, for it is loud and hard to ignore, I catch on to it.  Sometimes I catch it in the moment, sometimes it takes me a few days. Sometimes the awareness comes out of the blue, sometimes it comes to me in meditation. Each time it comes, I trust it and honor it. I acknowledge it and act from it.  And each time I do this, I am validating myself and this inner knowing. With each step, each action, every small gesture I make from this knowing reinforces and feeds it, invigorating it and giving it strength, slowly building up the communication. Again and again and again.

Instead of feeding the fear by staying in that space of second guessing and self-doubt, I choose to shift my state sending my awareness and attention towards the knowing. Trusting the intuition that is here to guide me. Each time I do this, each and every time, I choose trust over fear, I am changing my patterns and tendencies. Forging new ground and creating a new path.

With each acknowledgement. With each step.

Listen in. There is a call. There is a tug. There is a nudge. There is a signal within asking for your attention. It is your inner voice, wanting to be heard.

You can listen or you can ignore.

I’m choosing to listen and invite you to do the same.

Enjoy what comes your way,

Sara

Roots Down

When you listen to the ground and you put your roots down,

you can hear what she says if you’re listening.

The sweet sound of the river as she moves over the stones

the same song that the blood in your body sings

as it weaves around your bones.

When you’re listening

When you’re listening

Are you listening?

This song has been signing in my mind recently. I see the resemblance to this post, what I write and am making meaning of now in my life. “You can hear what she is saying if you’re listening.” I learned it from my niece, who would sing it at Forest School and then carry it with her throughout her day. Through an internet search, I read that “Roots Down” was created and composed by Molly Hartwell. It is beautiful and I invite you to check it out, feeling the rhythm move through your body.